The id and I

Lost and Found: My lunch with Brady Quinn

2008-09-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

What a week for Cleveland sports, huh? Ohio State. The Indians. The Cleveland Browns (THUD). And don't even get me started on LeBron James (again). It looks like more of the same from the Buckeye state, don't it?

Well, not exactly: ONE thing has changed this time around in Cleveland. I no longer "live and die" with my Cleveland sports teams. More like: Live and let die.

At the very least: MY prospects look better than the Indians.

I mean, yes, I still love 'em (the bastards). But I'm done with this ridiculous roller coaster ride for the time being. Cheering for Cleveland sports teams is like a one-way ticket to Crazy Town, it seems, and "that's all I can standz ...I can't standz no more!" And Blue Moon Belgian Ale has now become my supportive can of spinach...

I've got just two parting words for the Cleveland Browns: Bill Cowher.

I've actually met the guys that run these teams: Mark Shapiro and Phil Savage. And, no, they're not bad guys. I have honestly supported both of them for the last several years ...but my patience is now wearing thin in the meantime. It is what it is.

I was lucky enough to throw out the opening pitch for a Tribe game a few years back - and it was a dream come true! Looking back, I guess, if I played my cards right, I probably would be opening their mail (or some crazy shit like that) or "mopping up" after Michael Phelps in the corporate loge ...if I towed the company line like any good droid would do in that situation.

But, in the end, like Braylon Edwards ...I dropped the ball.

I can live with it. I have never been a good "yes man" at heart. In fact, my major flaw is that I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I can live with that, too.

I sense the major turning point in my travels was the "leadership luncheon" I attended last spring which was hosted by Phil Savage (coincidentally, a "no show") and Brady Quinn in downtown Cleveland. But, here's the twist: I made an appearance at this Gotham City function not as Batman ...but, rather, Bruce Wayne (wink, wink).

Yes, I was dressed for success in my stunning business suit all ready to schmooze with the Big Boys in town. Like a lamb to the slaughter, I was ready to be "enlightened" by the brightest minds in Cleveland sports. And so it goes...

At least I passed on the "Romeo Crennel Success in Leadership" conference, later that month. I mean, what was Romeo Crennel going to teach me: The fastest way to extract a Hostess Ding-Dong from it's wrapper? Hey, Nell Carter: Give me a break!

Anyway, I was all but ready to sashay on up to the bar and order a Blue Moon Belgian Ale: "Shaken, not stirred." But, unfortunately, I soon found out that this was more of a meeting of the minds ...where the minds were waiting to slip on their religious robes and purple Nikes ...and sip the sanctimonious Kool-Aid (McEditor's Note: Ah, yes. The old bait-and-switch. Growing up in a Catholic household, I'm rather familiar with that parlor trick. In fact, it's the oldest trick in The Book. Hey, faith and freedom of religious expression are fine with me ...just not on my dime).

It reminded me of the time when I was a young lad who wrote to L. Ron Hubbard seeking more information about Scientology and his book ("Dianetics") because I thought it was some ..."cool science fiction thing" and it turned out to be ...um, something else. Yeah, kind of like that.

But the chicken was good, though. Moist!

Regardless, I was seated at the back of the room, where I was constantly "monitored" by the single security guard on duty (Just ONE security guard? Quite frankly, I'm a little insulted!). But, at the very least, it gave me a good chance to reflect and redefine myself as Brady Quinn blathered on and on (not so much about the Browns) regarding his religious convictions (as we all anxiously awaited for The Mother Ship to arrive - sponsored by AFLAC).

So what's the moral of this fractured fable, Mr. Peabody? Here it is: I need to spend less time listening to these so-called "profound" pundits for profit ...and more time focusing on my own brand of shameless self-professed bullshit (for better or for worse).

Anyway, when I first entered the dining room of the hotel, I stopped to ask a couple of businessmen if they knew where my table I was sitting at was located. They did not. But they did offer this one piece of advice:

BUSINESSMAN 1: "You're table number says zero. I don't think there is a zero table. I guess that means you're sitting at the head table next to Brady Quinn..."

BUSINESSMAN 2 (in a joking fashion): "Yeah, you must be hosting this event, huh? You better be ready to hop up on stage and say something! I hope you've got something prepared ...you're on in five minutes! Are you ready to go...?"

ME: "You now what? I think I am."

And so it goes...

******

And now a word from our sponsors (Lost):

JACK SHEPHARD: "Well, I'll tell you what. You stay here in your little greenhouse ...the rest of us are going home."

JOHN LOCKE: "But you're not supposed to go home."

JACK SHEPHARD: "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO-? What was it that you said on the way out to the hatch? Oh, I think I remember: That ...crashing here was our destiny."

JOHN LOCKE: "You know, Jack. You KNOW that you're here for a reason. YOU KNOW IT. And if you leave ...this place. That knowledge is going to eat you alive ...from the inside out. Until you decide to come back..."

JACK SHEPHARD: "Goodbye, John."

JOHN LOCKE: "Jack, you're going to have to lie. About everything that happened since we crashed here. You need to lie, in order to protect the island."

JACK SHEPHARD: "It's an island, John. It doesn't need protecting."

JOHN LOCKE: "It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen. And, Jack, if you can't see that. Well, you just wait and see what I'm about to do..."

Season 5 of Lost (Episode 5.1: "Because You Left") premieres January 2009 on ABC.

******

Stand and Deliver: An Evening at The Cleveland Improv (Or ...How McFella Got His Groove Back)

2008-06-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I realize I have been neglecting my blog for the last few weeks to be sure. But there is a reason for that: I've been in training. And now I'm back from Dagobah after a fun, intense, few weeks of studying with "the Master Yoda of comedy."

Regardless, I'm back in Gotham City now to turn my training into action. So, you see, I should probably explain that when I mentioned before that I was going "back to the drawing board" - that (once again) I meant an entirely brand new drawing board.

"Do or do not. There is no try."

So, yes, we did manage to "move the island" ...in a sense. And now that "island" is securely located (complete with a solitary microphone) in the center square ...at The Cleveland Improv (as part of an entire graduating class of comedians). "Gotta support the team!"

I have always (for the most part) been a "sort of" writer. But, for many years, I have wanted to attempt stand-up comedy. And, until now, I have been putting off the process of actually doing it. Sad to say, but I just wasn't ready before this point in the time and space continuum (mostly out of fear, I guess).

Regardless, I am not making any "grand declarations" here by any stretch of the imagination. Stand-up comedy is a tough business and it takes years of practice to perfect (as most established comedians will be glad to inform you ...and you are correct, sir). It's a spectacular skill that cannot be mastered in a few weeks, no doubt.

It may have taken "Ricky Roma" chasing me around the offices of "Consolidated Resorts and Properties" with a set of 3rd place steak knives. But, hey, like my "good friend" Tanya Roberts: I'll be there!

Nonetheless, I am going to attempt to translate my scattered words into something cohesive now. But, ultimately, I'll let the audience be the judge in the end. And, hopefully, I don't end up like Kenny Bania just because I think "anything that dissolves in milk is funny."

Jerry Seinfeld: "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine!"

Kenny Bania: "That's gold, Jerry! Gold!"

But like my professor in Communications back at Cleveland State always used to tell me: "Johnny Carson was terrified of going up on stage - he hated it. But, ultimately, he did it ...because he loved the world of comedy. And he wanted to be a part of it."

Well, obviously, I'm no Johnny Carson. Not even close, believe me. And my influences growing up were David Letterman and Steve Martin: I idolized those guys! But spending a scary amount of time lately studying some local comics in the Cleveland area, I realize that I have my work cut out for me to even come close to THAT (if I choose to pursue this on the next level ...and time will tell, I guess).

So, check out the local comedy scene in Cleveland to see what I'm talking about. You will not be disappointed!

In the meantime, I will be performing on Tuesday night (June 17th, 7:30 p.m.) at The legendary Cleveland Improv with a lot of other great guys and gals for our graduation show with Dave Schwensen. Tickets are $5.00, or mention my name at the ticket window for big, big savings. It should be a lot of fun!

Hecklers, drunkards throwing tomatoes, and serial killers are all welcome! Hey, we need to put asses in the seats, okay?

I look forward to seeing you there.

Marc Jaffe (who won an Emmy Award for his writing on "Seinfeld") will be hosting our event. I never got a chance to meet Marc Jaffe (unfortunately) when I was working with him at The Free Times.

But ...I guess ...like my favorite quote from the show Lost: "The universe has a way of course-correcting."

And, sometimes, it just needs a little ...PUSH.

And then I am on vacation: Follow the map from Indiana Jones to Bowling Green (the "mecca" of Pop Culture) to South Bend, Indiana (the Notre Dame "mecca" of drunken Catholic Irish men) to Chicago (The Second City of comedy) ...to destinations unknown.

So, it seems, I (sort of) have come a long way from putting on foul-mouthed puppet shows with our stuffed Muppets in the basement of my best friend growing up in Ohio. So much more to do!

"Goodnight, Mrs. B. ...wherever you are."

R.I.P. Tim Russert (1950 - 2008): The one guy who could actually tear me away from ESPN for politics!

2008-06-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

We lost a great "voice" in the media today: Tim Russert.

Believe it or not, as shallow as I am at times, I always flipped away from sports on Any Given Sunday to watch this guy in action on "Meet The Press." He was one of the few men on the planet who could turn my head away from pop culture - for a moment - to focus on politics. And I want to truly thank him for that.

No, this time, Jon Stewart doesn't count. Tim Russert was "old school" and we loved him for that. In this "new" age of media where most of it's members are smug, insincere, self-serving asshats (Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Nancy Grace anyone?) more focused on American Idol than the actual events in the world, Tim Russert was a breath of fresh air (And, yes, people - I realize I am handcuffed to my own pop culture bullshit, as well - but there is so much more to life than that!).

In an era when (most of) the media falsely buckled to the Bush Administration, this was the one guy who was never afraid to speak his mind - and, more importantly, ask the tough questions that ultimately needed to be asked in a world gone mad. Never a mean man, yet - at the same time - he never faltered. Tim was truly a tough guy, with a teddy bear disposition, in the end.

But, as brilliant as Tim Russert was at times, he never forgot that he was a man of the people - he loved his sports teams to no end, and that's what always made this guy so damn accessible to almost every person on the planet.

Tim Russert was a hometown guy we could all believe in, to be sure.

So, yes, I am a sap. I admit, I got choked up today when I heard that he passed on to the next level of existence. But, for what it's worth, I honestly believe that this guy will sorely be missed here - now more than ever. Thanks for everything, Tim Russert.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Me

2008-05-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I know this news might send some of you into cardiac arrest, but here it goes anyway: I have become a "gym rat." Yes, you heard me correctly. I am addicted to working out at the gym now - have been for the past several weeks.

In fact, I actually beat the gym manager to the front doors this morning before he had a chance to unlock them - go figure! The early bird gets the burn. I know, I know: I probably should have gotten a photograph to publish on the cover of Weekly World News or something for authenticity.

Regardless of your suspended disbelief, I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably going to need a "superhero body" if I'm going to start kicking ass and taking names (so to speak). Let's face it: We live in a visual society and people seem to like some eye candy to go along with their sidedish of laughs - so I might as well give the masses what the want out in the public forum!

Actually, that's a truckload of Kentucky Derby crap. I'm doing this for me. You see, when I told you all that I was going "back to the drawing board" - I probably should have clarified that the same old drawing board was actually located in a new School of Rock.

Sure, I could always make excuses about becoming some disgusting blob ...but talk is cheap, right? Well, I've LOST 22 lbs. - and counting!

So even though I always seem to be two steps behind "my esteemed colleagues," I usually seem to get there (someway) in the end, don't I?

And, no, don't worry: They haven't killed "Fun Chris." Believe me, "Fun Chris" still exists on many levels. Let's just say, we're making a few much-needed "modifications" to the original model...

"It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."

Whatever the case, I've always (as you are well aware) loved to eat, drink and be merry. And at 6 feet 4 inches tall, I seemed to be able to get away with packing on the pounds here and there at times, from Cleveland State to The Second City, through thick and thin. It's just those damn "commitment issues" of mine that always kept me from signing up at the gym before now.

Well, that - and the fact that signing a contract with a gym is worse than buying a used car these days (and you need to bring along a high-priced team of lawyers to avoid getting fleeced by the Fitness Mafia, it seems). Hey, Hans and Franz, I just want to pay the fee and go!

But, of course, that would be just a little too easy, right? Instead, I get the wind-up and the "sales pitch" before I can sign on the line which is dotted. More years, more money, first month, last month, membeship fee, registration fee, etc., ad nauseam.

"So," the salesperson says innocently, "I see by the (Cleveland) Indians shirt you're wearing that you're a Tribe fan, huh?" Points to the poster of their certain #48 half-donkey, half-prospect spokesperson on the wall. "It's the ninth inning. Game is tied. There are two outs and the bases are loaded and Travis is up to bat. So, what do you think Pronk would do in this situation? What would YOU do...?"

"Oh, well I know the answer to that one!" I reply in a rather assured fashion. "As someone who drafted Pronk in the 3rd round of my fantasy baseball draft, I can absolutely, definitely, positively TELL YOU what Pronk would DO in this situation... you see, as manager of my fantasy baseball team ("The Blue Moon Blobs") which is, COINCIDENTALLY, currently two spots out of the proverbial basement in my league, thanks partly to Pronk and that piece of driftwood he swings called a bat... I KNOW what Pronk would do! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT PRONK WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION ...I have my freaking Ph.D. in Pronk! I'm a DH hitting .213, HEAR ME ROAR!!!"

Well, needless to say, I buckled like a belt and signed the contract. I probably need to address my "anger issues" next, but one baby step at a time, right? So, sure, nobody is going to figure it all out in one day. True dat. And slumps don't last forever...

Like a classic episode of Lost, this is "The Shape of Things To Come."

"Someday I'll fly ...Someday I'll soar ...Someday I'll be something much more. Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for..."

"I...AM...IRON MAN!" (and other flights of fancy)

2008-04-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

"There has been some speculation out there that I am some kind of super hero. Well, let me assure you that I am not the super hero-type. Clearly."
-- Robert Downey, Jr. as "Tony Stark" (a.k.a. The "Invincible" Iron Man)

I have to admit I get totally geeked over the summer movie season. In fact, the only thing wrong with the summer movie season is that it's ...in the summer.

I mean, the hype is usually just that: hype. And the story actually takes a backseat to the special effects, these days, which is kind of sad in a throwaway, Hackey Sack sort of way. Besides, who wants to sit in a dark, air-conditioned cave on a warm, breezy day?

But, other than that, I love the summer movie season!

Regardless of the supposedly mindless blockbuster banter you hear exploding from your neighborhood multiplex, I think some summer movies have turned the proverbial corner harkening back to a better day when writers and directors actually cared about their craft.

Look no further to Batman Begins and Casino Royale, two excellent examples of "formula movies" that were nothing short of spectacular - on every possible story-telling level (revamping and re-energizing their respective franchises in the process. Correct, Mr. Bond?).

That is why (at least from the previews) I am expecting Iron Man to most likely win "Best Movie" for this 2008 summer season. First of all, it sounds like director Jon Favreau (Swingers) has stayed faithful to the actual story without selling-out to the mind-bending F/X.

And last (but not least), casting Robert Downey, Jr. as the billionaire-alcoholic-playboy "Tony Stark" was nothing short of cinematic genius (and Downey was robbed of an Oscar for his work in Chaplin, BTW, but we here at the Iddy's will give him an honorary one for his work in Back To School anyway).

Robert Downey, Jr. - it seems - has finally gotten his act together and has stated that he his "tired of working my butt off doing films nobody sees." (Amen to that, brother!)

Some heroes are flawed. Many heroes make mistakes. But that's not science fiction ...that's just reality. And it's how you rebound in the end, that matters most. Robert Downey, Jr. has a great power, and he needs to use it, right?

At least that's what we've always been told...

And with a summer movie season that features Speed Racer (um, that one looks a little shaky to me, folks), Batman: The Dark Knight, Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull and The X-Files: I Want To Believe ...it looks like there is finally something OUT THERE to drag me away from the black tie, tuxedo and martini bar crowd!

Well, that ...and a few other things. This summer, Hollyweird is calling! Are you listening, Bloggywood? Carry on my wayward son...

Derek Anderson was abducted by space aliens! Brady Quinn is the bride of Bigfoot! And other Weakly Weird News on the 2008 NFL Draft...

2008-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

"Oh, don't act so surprised, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission, THIS TIME!" -- Lord Darth Vader to those oh-so-wacky upstarts with the so-called Rebel Alliance.

Okay, so I guess I should take a break from babbling on and on about comic book movies and start talking about sports for a spot - You know, in case I ever want to have sex again.

The NFL Draft is this Saturday and it is truly one of the highlights of my primitive social calendar. To be clear, it's much less of a televised sports spectacle for my close group of friends - and more of a "networking event for smartasses."

I mean, after the drama is gone from the selection of the No. 1 pick, the only thing left to do is eat, drink, and be merry - until, of course, some team makes THE inevitable draft day mistake that is so galactically stupid that we have no choice but to pounce on it like the comedy pumas that we are! You know, like the Miami Dolphins selecting a PUNT RETURNER with their first round draft pick over Brady Quinn (a punt returner, he says!) last year.

Be that as it may, I am not immune to the onslaught of taunts and catcalls from my friends on Draft Day by any means! Last year, my fellow Irish kinfolk and I were put in the corner of the living room and unfairly labeled "Brady's Ladies" - simply because we bravely chose to wear our Notre Dame gear in support of a certain quarterback now riding the bench for the Cleveland Browns.

But, hey, no one is going to compare me to Rosa Parks, are they?

So, whatever the case, I choose to take the high road and view the world like Isiah Thomas for my 2008 NFL Draft party: With complete ignorance and utter bliss! And while the Cleveland Browns are (allegedly) out of the first-round running in regards to actual draft picks, I have no vested interest in anything other than the Blazing Hot buffalo wings on the snack tray this year.

Now, that being said, let it also be noted that I can finally rest in freaking peace and enjoy this year's NFL Draft without the constant clamoring of Phil Savage and his "antics."

Let me be clear in case you are lost: Phil Savage is obviously the general manager of the Cleveland Browns - and he has done a great job of turning this franchise around, no doubt. BUT - if I have to listen to him screaming from the Cleveland rooftops ...just one more time ...about Derek Anderson's "status" with the Brownies ...well, frankly, I don't know what!

WE GET IT, PHIL: You are not trading Derek Anderson (or so he says!) on Draft Day under any circumstances (Wink, wink). Okay, yes - WE GET IT! Derek Anderson is the second-coming of Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one! Again, we get it. How dare almost everyone on the entire freaking planet we call "Earth" question your judgement just because you massively overpaid for Derek Anderson! (And you did!)

WHO is responsible for all these wild conspiracy theories anyway? The media, maybe? I mean, trade Derek Anderson on Draft Day? If this a joke ...well, I'm not laughing, mister! Where DOES the dreaded media get their "misinformation" regarding an overpaid Derek Anderson and a possible trade anyway?

The right side of their cerebral cortex, perhaps?

Honestly, I just don't understand this paranoia on NFL Draft Day ("What was that noise? Is somebody there? Is that you, Mr. Peepers? Maybe it's just all in my head...").

Yes, Phil Savage, we now completely understand that you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances whatsoever, going to trade Derek Anderson for any offer out there on Draft Day. Yes, Brady Quinn may bomb. Yes, two quarterbacks are better than one in Browns Town (even if you did massively overpay for one of them!) - and any NFL team around the league, short of New England, would love to be in our situation right about now. We get it!

Holy Moses, can I puh-leeze enjoy my ice cold Belgian ale right about now without another round of roaring applause from the chorus of circus seals on the "will they or won't they?" Derek Anderson debate?

"Okay, Mr. (Savage), I understand ...We all have to play our little games." But in regards to rumors about the Browns trading up into the first round: Won't you at least pay the fee for my fishing license?

Like an ACME mallet to the head, we finally get it: YOU ARE NOT TRADING DEREK ANDERSON. PERIOD. END OF NON-STORY.

Are you...? Is it...?

Unless, of course, according to my shadowy sources, the Atlanta Falcons come-a-calling with their first round pick (No. 3 overall) and we can get running back Darren McFadden in return for Derek Anderson and his multiple bags of dollar signs, right?

Other than that I like everything else the Browns are doing (maybe). Now somebody toss me a sardine and a rubber ball to balance on my nose ("Arrh! Arrh! Arrh!") ...because I think I overpaid for this blog!

Happy Draft Day everybody!

Wahoo! A Superman Museum in Cleveland, Edward R. Murrow sleeps with the fishes (Or How To Succeed in Journalism Without Really Trying)

2008-04-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Well, first off, I have returned from some far out adventures. Big whoop, right?

And no, to answer a few of your inquiries, I haven't been writing pithy sports columns for the local paper under the psuedonym, "George Bernard Shaw." (cough)

The last time I chatted you up, I mentioned my conversation(s) with the producer of the documentary, The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters after he read my review on Blogcritics.com. As it turns out, he contacted me directly via email a scant few hours after my posting. When I first noticed it in my inbox, I thought it was naturally going to be a scathing tongue-lashing - but it was just the opposite. In fact, it was great! And we ended up chatting it up more, a bit about the movie business and some of my misadventures in comedy.

Regardless, it was a great exchange, I learned a lot (about myself), and ...yada, yada, yada ...I now have an official contact in Hollywood! But that's a whole other deal altogether.

Good Night and Good Luck?

However, now, like Danny Ferry flying coach on a plane trip to L.A., I'm just a little confused about a few things... As far I know, I am the "mysterious stranger" who was supposed to bring a Superman museum to Cleveland - at least I've been trying for the last 2 years!

"What? Didn't YOU get the memo?"

Guess I shoulda-woulda-coulda tried harder, huh? Sure talk IS cheap - but, unfortunately, trying to get a Superman Museum built on the shores of Lake Erie IS NOT (Especially the original idea I had which called for a Superman museum or "Pop Hall" that would be the kissing cousin to the Rock Hall on the shores of Lake Erie). Too bad, how sad. I couldn't get it done at the time (and my excuses are my own).

What I DID manage to do was track down a close associate of the Siegel family (Yes, that Siegel family, of Siegel and Shuster fame) who stays in contact with the current family members - about some possible help (of whatever kind) for getting a Superman Museum built in Cleveland. He promised me last week he would pass along my message and contact information to them regarding this matter (but also informed me that they are quite busy with their litigation with DC Comics, so it might be awhile). Not bad for a "mild-mannered" blogger without press credentials, huh? (But, Great Caesar's Ghost, not as good as a "cub reporter" with a book deal either!)

Whatever the case, IF and WHEN I hear from the Siegel family (if, of course, no one has contacted them already), I will absolutely, positively, pass any-and-all information along to "the Powers that be" in Cleveland. Anything I can do to help the city in this matter works for me. Otherwise, I'm a day late and a dollar short, I guess. Either way, onward and upward, C-Town!

Maybe I'm much more suited watching from up on the ledge, huh?

And now, on to my troublesome Tribe, the Cleveland Indians. No, I'm not going to rag on them about their woeful record like I have in the past. First of all, I have come to love this team and I truly think Mark Shapiro is a damn good general manager (despite David Dellucci). And the ownership group of the Indians has made good on their promise to sign most of it's young talent to long-term deals (Grady Sizemore, Pronk, Fausto Carmona, etc.) so I can no longer fault them for that. And folks, let's get real, there is no way that the Tribe can afford to sign C.C. Sabathia unless he gives us a home town discount - that's just reality (Besides that, I think Fausto's the better pitcher).

But just because the Indians got close last year - is a guarantee of nothing this year. The fact that the national media has jumped on the Tribe bandwagon, in fact, makes me all the more squeamish.

Regardless, like the group of friends I was with Saturday night, this baseball team has brought us hours of summertime enjoyment over the years - and, if nothing else, it gives us a chance to get together, drink some Belgian brews (I'm like a Blue Moon pusher - and all my friends are now addicts!) and laugh it up while we watch the Tribe on glorious HD (The picture's so crystal clear, it's amazing - like you're standing on the flipping field right next to the players!).

And, if nothing else, you get a cheap laugh and spit-takes from your friends and associates when someone proclaims: "And, um, did Ryan Garko just flash us on HDTV???" Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel. Ain't that right, Alfred?

Anyway, just thought I'd take a time-out from other projects I'm working on to say "What up, Boo?" to anyone out there in CyberTown who might care... Other than that, I guess all that's left to do now is ask Ari Gold if he can get me the plum lead role in "Aquaman 2" that I previously turned down because of "creative conflicts," huh? ("C'mon, Ari ...you know you love my smile!"). Well, maybe not.

And, now, like Wile E. Coyote ...back to the ACME drawing board.

No Country For Old Donkey Kong Enthusiasts?

2008-02-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

So, it seems Oscar time is upon us once again, and short of some eagerly-needed Jon Stewart ripping on the Bush administration and assorted Hollywood phonies, there really is nothing to get overly excited about this year at the movies, it seems - is there?

I fall more into the "semi-intelligent popcorn bunch" than I do the overly-analytical "art house crowd" when it comes to the cinema. In other words, I like most things that George Clooney produces ("Ocean's Thirteen," "Good Night and Good Luck") and despise anything that is too pretentious ("There Will Be Blood") or too mainstream blockbuster ("Transformers") these days.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like my "mindless entertainment" - with a side of grey matter. Matt Damon and "The Bourne Ultimatum" anyone? Classic Hollywood Cool.

That being said, as with most Oscar "crunch times" at this late date, I should probably focus on seeing at least some of these movies before Sunday night, right? No Country For Old Men was brilliant - despite it's whacked-out ending (which made me think about things for many bizarro days and weeks to come, nonetheless).

I should probably go and see Juno - but I won't. Short of attempting to drag disinterested family or friends to see this "buzz factor" machine and glorified "goo fest," I have a shaky feeling that it might be massively overrated (and, hey, if it's not - that's why Buddha created the DVD).

So, that leaves Michael Clayton and The Assassination of Jesse James on my shallow short-list, to be sure! Better get down to Blockbuster Video, I suppose, before the next spring thaw.

In the meantime, I did manage to review a documentary recently: The King of Kong (A Fistful of Quarters). The movie was a recount of two middle-aged guys trying to recapture some "past glory" by besting each other in the high score of the old arcade game, Donkey Kong. At first glance, it sounds like "a natural" for me, you might think, right? Wrong!

Regardless, my critique of The King of Kong was harmless enough (or so I thought) - and you can read more about it HERE.

That is, of course, until the producer of the movie contacted me a few hours later about my review. And it's not what you think...

TO BE CONTINUED.

LeBron's New Shoe: The Darth Vader of Sneakers?

2008-01-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, so what's the deal now with LeBron James and his lack of fashion sense in Cleveland?

Well, it seems that King James has teamed up with that evil galactic empire, Nike, to create (ta-da!) ...a spanking brand-new, Yankees-inspired, sneaker. Oh, the horror (Is that the correct pronunciation? Quick, use it in a sweat-shop sentence!).

What's next? A shoe created specifically for the Cleveland Indians and their fans - seductively "inspired" by Isiah Thomas and Keds? Wahoo. Maybe they could call it "The Snuggle Bitch," huh? Catchy.

Sure, the supernova star of the Cleveland Cavaliers, LeBron James, made news earlier this year when he showed up to an Indians-Yankees playoff game wearing ...(gasp) a pinstripe baseball cap in a certain, shall we say, "New York state of mind."

Needless to say, chaos ensued in C-Town.

So what's next for the Rock 'n' Roll city: We find out that Dennis Kucinich is truly not "a man of the people." Shocking. (Maybe the Congressman will inspire a pair of his own "out of this world" signature sneakers - and subsequently find a way to soak his loyal constituents out of a $100 bucks for these ..."loafers.")

Sure, LeBron can cheer (or shill) for whatever team (or company) he wants, I suppose. Free country and all that good stuff, you know. It doesn't mean Cleveland needs to be shackled to it, however, like some zombie-bride of Scientology, does it?

Whatever the endgame: I'm over it, LeBron. Go to New York. Stay in Cleveland. Exit, stage right, even. I have no more "Burning River inferiority complex," you see. Game, set and "blah, blah, blah" match ...it just don't mean much to me.

March Madness, the NFL draft and Opening Day for Tribe baseball, after all, is like my apathy and your inevitable sell-out of C-Town: Right around the corner.

"Hey, I put some new shoes on, and suddenly everything is right. I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling, it's so inviting. Oh, short on money, but long on time, slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine. And I'm running late, and I dont need an excuse, 'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes..."

Buyer Beware: Jacobs Field to become "Progressive Field" (Or the end of the world as we know it?)

2008-01-11T06:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like someone just bulldozed Aunt Ida's house. Or worse, that house from A Christmas Story. Or, even worse, the outdoor tiki patio at (insert naming rights of your favorite sports bar here).

Where does it end, people?

From the "We Knew It Was Coming But I Was A Lot Happier With My Head Buried In The Sand" Department: It was announced today that the Cleveland Indians have sold the naming rights of Jacobs Field (a.k.a. "The Jake") to the locally-based insurance company, Progressive, for around $3.6 million dollars.

Well, sure, that makes sense. Layoff hundreds of employees and plunk down millions of dollars on "naming rights" in "the poorest city in the nation." All that's missing now is an objective reporter screaming at the top of their lungs "Why aren't you people supporting the Indians? Why aren't you people selling out The Jake???" ...from The Plain Dealer Pavilion (Hint: See above-mentioned item about that "poorest city in the nation" thingy ...or, as painful as it may be, read your own newspaper once in a while).

It may be a sign of the times ...but these times make me sigh.

So this is how it goes down in Cleveland, huh? Some billionaire "philanthropist" living in his hollowed-out volcano/secret underground lair takes time out of his busy day on developing some "doomsday weather machine" (or something) to plaster the name of his mega-corporation all over THE JAKE for millions of dollars ...yet cannot afford to retain 300 of his own henchmen (and, um, henchwomen).

That's the major public relations blunder calling the kettle black! So with all due respect to the "Progressive" CEO, allow me to get my cyber-panties in a bunch ...because I have an axe to grind.

What's next? I sell out this tired little chunk of cyber-space to the highest bidder? (I wish!) Maybe next week you'll be reading the "How Ya Like Me Now Bitch!" blog ...presented by Topps trading cards. Sure, I could probably go off and sip Blue Moon Belgian Ale somewhere on some secluded tropical island ...but what would I tell my employees? WHAT WOULD I TELL MY EMPLOYEES!?!

Well, maybe we can "smooth things over" with some popular promotions like "Dollar Dog Night" down at (cough) ..."Progressive Field." But, to me, that's about as tasty as "E-Coli Dog Night" down at the Greyhound bus station, don't you think? (An 8-pack of Sugardale hot dogs retails around .99 cents at the local grocery store ...I'm not freaking Suze Orman here ...WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!)

Now where is the excuse that the Indians cannot afford to sign our ace pitcher, C.C. Sabathia, to a long-term contract, huh? Lost in the current economic shuffle, most likely.

I suppose "Progressive Field" does have a nice ring to it ...even if it doesn't quite live up to it's mega-billing. I guess it beats A-B-C Check Cashing Coliseum. But, hey, I'll take my chances with "collision."

Greed is good ...but nutty nostalgia and hysterical hyperbole is a lot more fun! Because like a cranky, old newspaper columnist thrown back into the Lake Erie pea soup: It will always be "The Jake" to me!

The (Duh) Browns Report: Is that a Chudzinski in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

2007-12-31T07:47:00.000-08:00

So, Browns fans, I'm just a tad curious: Did anyone see LeBron James wearing a Tennessee Titans baseball cap down at Cleveland Browns Stadium yesterday?

Hey, fair is fair, I know I certainly wanted to wear a Danny Ferry jersey to Anderson Varejao's contract negotiations a couple of weeks ago...

But enough about that. Let's get right to our beloved Cleveland Brownies. First, I have to say "thank you" because I haven't enjoyed watching the Browns this much since the days of Bernie Kosar and Marty Schottenheimer (in a backwards, Cleveland karma-chameleon sort of way, I guess).

But honestly (all terrific 10-6 records aside), the Browns did not deserve to be in the playoffs after they choked against the woeful (and less superior) Cincinnati Bengals. That was their chance (their one big chance) ...and they blew it.

So, no, I don't want to talk about "Cleveland curses" concerning the Browns or the Colts resting their starters against the Titans. That's about as lame as emailing Jim Sorgi for "help." I didn't have to watch the Colts-Titans game last night to know the dreaded outcome and, quite frankly, I'm done "wishing upon a star" when it comes to Cleveland sports teams and their collective fate(s).

The Cleveland Browns had their chances. Derek Anderson had his chances (all season). So if you, as a professional football team, want to throw away your chances for the playoffs down in Cincinnati, then don't be surprised when the fans are clamoring to see Brady Quinn as your starting quarterback here in C-Town (And a mass emailing to Jim Sorgi in Indianapolis falls flatter than the Brady Quinn football "dropped" by Kellen Winslow in the end zone on Sunday against the San Francisco 49ers).

Sure, head coach Romeo Crennel did a better job this year with some more talent around him (thanks to Phil Savage) ...but I'm not sold on him just yet. I just think that newly-acquired offensive coordinator, Rob Chudzinski, did a far better job in moving this team ...forward.

So, yes, a 10-6 record is impressive here in Browns Town, to be sure (and more impressive than the 8-8 record than we predicted here preseason for the Brownies). But I honestly don't want to hear about "rewarding" Romeo Crennel with a contract extension. Here's an original thought here in Cleveland: Why don't we "reward" Romeo Crennel with a contract extension after he gets this talented team into the playoffs - and not a minute before.

Romeo still has two years left on his contract, so let's see what he can do in that time as Phil Savage contiues to deliver the groceries to Crennel's brown-and-orange kitchen. And, hey, if Bill Parcells wants Crennel as his head coach ...let The Big Tuna have him! I'll take the Dolphins #1 draft pick (and Darren McFadden to back up Jamal Lewis) any day, as long as we get to keep Rob Chudzinski in the house.

The local media might not see this ("Gasp! Who knew the Browns were going to be this good?!? I didn't!") as clearly as they "predicted" the Cleveland Indians would be in 4th place in the American League Central last season ("Gasp! Who knew the Indians were going to be this good?!? I didn't!") - as opposed to a MLB playoff contender.

I mean, I'm confused: Do you actually need a Pro Bowl player at EVERY SINGLE POSITION before you could ever possibly make the jump from a 4-12 to 10-6 record ...or what???

Well, apparently some of us "amateurs" knew this much. As well as we know that Brady Quinn deserved a shot to play most of the game against the 49ers yesterday ...for the good of the organization (despite Derek Anderson's hurt feelings). Yes, Anderson got us this far, but not when it mattered the most.

And, hey, let's not forget this: Joshua Cribbs, Jamal Lewis, Braylon Edwards, Phil Dawson, Joe Thomas and Eric Steinbach (among MANY others) ...helped out a lot more than Jim Sorgi ever did, too.

The Mitchell Report and Major League Baseball: Chicken Soup for the Steroid Era Soul?

2007-12-15T08:31:00.000-08:00

"Don't waste your hate on something you don't love." -- Jack Nicholson

Joltin' Joe, say it ain't so! What a sad day in baseball - and baseball history.

But this wonderful-waste-of-a-witch hunt does absolutely nothing to ease my mind as ESPN continues to pound this issue into the cold, hard, ground of mindless media mania.

Some players cheat, some players skate free, the baseball owners and unions bury their collective-bargaining heads in the shifting sand, and the fans always seem to suffer in the end, do they not? (McEditor's note: Makes you appreciate Grady Sizemore, Pronky Pronk and The Funky Bunch, even more, don't it, Tribe gang? Feel the vibration!)

But, in regards to such "talents" as Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire ...or otherwise, it all seems to go back to a favorite Irish proverb of my people: "You can't polish a turd."

And, oh yeah: "Cheaters sometimes prosper..."

Tell THAT to George Zipp: Somewhere Abner Doubleday is rolling over in his Wrigley-enhanced, foil-lined, grave!

Are these guys (alleged steroid abusers) wrong for using HGH (or any other illegal substance) to gain an "unfair advantage" amongst their peers in the game of baseball? Absolutely.

Does Major League Baseball (as a whole) need to crack down on this abuse and do something to save "the integrity" of our national fascination, baseball? You betcha!

Is this "report" anything more than a semi-retarded waste of time and money in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps.

But all great debates aside that would make a Robert Redford movie blush with angst, I think I speak for at least some of the fans of baseball when I say this: WHO CARES!

Well, a hearty "WHO CARES!" with an asterisk (*), I suppose. Sadly, as fans of the game of baseball, our only crime is that we care ...we care just a tad too much.

Yes, the game of baseball needs to get tough and clean up it's act and, yes, some good in all of this will hopefully get younger athletes to reconsider using steroids during the span of their sports careers.

But beyond that, I'm really not interested in the finer details of how some ball boy "shot up" Roger Clemens in the ass with performance-enhancing drugs. That was then ("the steroids era") and this (for better or worse) is now.

This "report" (like everything else in the national media) is rather "New York-centric" to a Midwest fan of a team like the Indians, to say the least. So (ultimately) it seems, as a fan of the Tribe, all yellow brick roads must lead back to Cleveland, do they not?

Regardless, in the swelling sea of all this ugly nonsense, isn't it worth a tip of the hat to note that these CURRENT crop of Cleveland Indians - my Cleveland Indians - are performing at such high levels without any pulse-pounding, performance-enhancing drugs?

All allegations, innuendos, and Paul Byrd's aside: How amazing is it that most of these Cleveland players in the game today (like Grady Sizemore, C.C. Sabathia and Travis Hafner, to name a few) are playing the game of baseball (at such exceptional levels) without cheating and the help of any illegal advantage? I say most, because of Rafael Betancourt getting caught with steroids back in 2005.

And, hey, maybe YOUR favorite little baseball team makes you feel the same way - all tingly inside - without the use of any artificial stimulants, additives, or otherwise.

So, goodbye Yellow Brick Road: It is CLEAR to me, at least, that these players (with nothing more than their hard work and dedication to the game) need to be recognized. I hope the fans of the Cleveland Indians (and baseball as a whole) notice this fact as well.

Please, George Mitchell, inject that into your report, won't you?

Teepee Talk: All I want for Christmas Is Miguel Cabrera, but he's "out of stock" at Tribe-Mart

2007-12-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

As a diehard fan of the Cleveland Indians, the trade for third baseman Miguel Cabrera by the Detroit Tigers this week goes down like a gift basket from Hickory Farms: Bitter and hard to swallow.

What were the Cleveland Indians thinking letting Miguel Cabrera slip through their fingers and - WORSE - letting him go to their arch-rivals, the Detroit Motor City Kitties? Here are a few of the presents that Cabrera is capable of leaving under the proverbial Christmas tree for the Tribe, had they traded for him:

A batting average of .310!
34 home runs!
91 runs, and
119 runs batted in!!!

Oh yeah, the Indians certainly don't need a power bat like that - at THIRD BASE! Third base, he says! What are the choices we have now at that position? The Brawny Man and Andy Marte? Okay, yes, Eric Wedge: Casey Blake's a good guy - WE GET IT. But all of those semi-awkward baseball "man-crushes" aside, I would think Miguel Cabrera might make any Tribe fan's heart go all-a-flutter, don't you?

My own heart is certainly erratic right about now!

What? Is Tribe general manager, Mark Shapiro, deliberately trying to ruin my Christmas? I certainly wouldn't do the same to him!

Hey, a middle-market team like Cleveland will certainly never be able to afford a mega-superstar like Alex Rodriguez at third base, to be sure. But wouldn't a potential young All-Star like Miguel Cabrera be the next best thing? The Tigers sure think so!

And, hey now, the former #24 from the Florida Marlins - is only 24 years old! And those above-mentioned statistics (look at them!) - those are the kind of numbers that Cabrera has been averaging the last four years with the stinking Marlins - Argh! It's the cherry on the cake of my Seasonal Affective Disorder...

Reportedly, the Cleveland Indians "inquired" about Miguel Cabrera, initially, but supposedly bowed out after deciding that the Marlins wanted too much in return for him, in regards to their young prospects. It's "decisions" like these that make me want to impale myself on the jagged horns of my Cleveland State Viking bobblehead doll, no doubt.

The Detroit Tigers had to brandish six top prospects to the Marlins for Cabrera and pitcher Dontrelle Willis - and supposedly mortgaged the future to pay for the present. But is that too hefty a pricetag if the Tigers win a World Series next year - and beyond? Regardless, if nothing else, the Cleveland Indians have a surplus of young talent in their farm system ready to bump into each other in the outfield (and on the pitching mound). Not to mention pitcher Cliff Lee (a tip of the hat) who is reportedly on the Tribe trading block, as well, could have been thrown into that marvelous mix.

No, I'm not bashing Mark Shapiro because he still is (I believe) one of the best general managers in baseball - and Cleveland is damn lucky to have him. But as a long-suffering fan of the Indians, it's still frustrating, nonetheless. Cabrera could have been the final piece of the puzzle to help Cleveland get over the hump - and back to the World Series next year (where they haven't been, sadly, since 1997).

Well, that and signing our ace-pitcher, C.C. Sabathia, to a new four-year, $72 million dollar, contract extension (which is a possibility, according to my sources, and when I say "sources" ...I mean one of the many voices in my head). The Indians are pushing Sabathia hard to sign before the beginning of spring training - but. at this point, it's just "wait and see" for C.C. on whether or not he signs on the line which is dotted.

Either way, it's a basic baseball consensus that the Detroit Tigers (on paper) are a better team - if not now the best team in the American League. The Cleveland Indians are no slouch, either, for that matter - and, hey, that's why they still play the games, nonetheless.

But, with the scary mind-numbing possibility of pitcher Johan Santana going to either the New York Yankees or the Boston Red Sox, the Cleveland Indians may need all the help they can get for the upcoming 2008 season.

Sure, there is always a possibility that the Tribe may still trade for Pittsburgh left fielder Jason Bay in the near future - and that's not a half-bad, half-baked, move either if the Indians can ultimately pull it off in the end. Grady Sizemore and Jason Bay playing ball together in the Cleveland outfield is certainly nothing to sneeze at, for most baseball enthusiasts anyway.

Regardless, I was truly looking forward to Miguel Cabrera stuffed into my Tribe stocking for the holidays. Jason Bay might be okay, too, I guess - but, um, does he come with a gift receipt, as well?

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Festivus New Year!

Postcards from the Cleveland edge and a memo to Anderson Varejao: "Um ...Mi casa es su casa?"

2007-12-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

Got a telegram from Western Union this afternoon:

Charlotte Bobcats sign Anderson "Wild Thing" Varejao to an offer sheet. STOP. That's not the big news. STOP. The Cleveland Cavaliers and GM Danny Ferry have matched the offer to Raggedy Andy. STOP. He's not going anywhere fast nor soon, you idiot. STOP. What the hell were you thinking bashing Varejao before he actually left town? STOP! STOP! STOP! Is it too late to join Dick Feagler down in Public Square for some hot peanuts circa 1958 Cleveland? STOP. You could never live without your TIVO or other modern conveniences, you smug fool! STOP. Truth be told, I prefer Vincenza's pizza (circa 1998-Present) or The Tap House burgers (circa 1997) me self. STOP. Hot damn, now that I think about it, does Western Union even exist anymore??? STOP. Can you imagine, Kurt Cobain and Nirvana were my Beatles...? STOP. Holy crap, does that make Courtney Love my Yoko??? STOP. Sooooo ...what the hell was I babbling about again? STOP!!!

Oh yeah, Anderson Varejao is coming "home" to the Cleveland Cavaliers... Wait, what? Where did Miguel Cabrera GO in all of this?

STOP. DROP. AND ROLL.

Note to self and all Cleveland sports fans: Anderson Varejao is a Cleveland Cavalier (again). But he still firmly expressed before, during, and after his initial "hissy fit" that he has no desire to play for Cleveland, did he not? Or maybe I'm just ...wigging out.

So, no doubt, even though the Cavaliers are a better team with this "fan favorite" and "slightly above-average role player" - where, ultimately, does that leave the Cavs in the grand scheme of things?

All past Carlos Boozer/Manny Ramirez/Jim Thome "how dare you scorn Cleveland for more money, you traitor!" indiscretions aside: In the end, really, aren't all we left with NOW is an angry (and not much richer) Anderson Varejao who may or may not "give his all" for these Cleveland Cavaliers with egg all over his face ...and intangibles?

Honestly, for the city of Cleveland itself, I truly hope not.

But, hey, I'm willing to forgive and forget for the greater good of the team. Only because I pretty much couldn't care less, either way, about this team (or the NBA) who "trap" their unappreciative prima donna players thanks to their shady agents with the help of their "friends" at the Charlotte Bobcats in a you-scratch-my-back-and-I'll-sign-your-hack bonus round. So what exactly, as Cleveland sports fans, are we going to do as we stand semi-helpless on the sidelines? Return to sender?

Or much like Handy Andy (and myself), hop back on the bandwagon at a later date? Either way, right or wrong, it's most certainly time to collectively move on, past our petty squabbles, to bigger and better things in the universe, don't you think? I do, amigos.

STOP. And think about it for a minute, won't you?

Postcards from the Cleveland edge and a memo to Anderson Varejao: "Adios, amigo!"

2007-12-03T06:28:00.000-08:00

So Anderson Varejao feels he is underpaid and underappreciated by the Cleveland Cavaliers, huh?

Well, the boy from Brazil is getting a rather rude awakening now, don't you think? Sure, the young Cavs are talent-thin around the nucleus that revolves around mega-star, LeBron James, no doubt.

But the amount of money he is reportedly asking for (whether it be $10 million a year, $8 million a year, anything over $4-5 million a year OR more than whatever Sasha Pavlovic was granted with his new contract) is absolutely insane.

Varejao is a "very talented role player on defense" - at best. Oh, and he is (was?) a "fan favorite" as well - but, really, how much is that worth in the end? Apparently, every other team in the NBA believes: Not that much (to throw bricks).

I find it equally ludicrous that Cavs' GM, Danny Ferry, actually flew down to Brazil to talk to Varejao about his contract (or whatever happened down there) - and then Andy threw a major "hissy fit" to the media in the process. That's how things can change on a dime, huh?

I have very little interest in the Cleveland Cavaliers this season, regardless - but this entire situation makes me care all the less. I wish them the best simply because when they do well, the city of Cleveland does well (by association).

In any case, my bleeding heart will always belong to the Browns and the Indians, first and foremost, I suppose (despite all the penalties, blown leads, and blown opportunites). Sorry, but the NBA (as a whole) simply makes me ...queasy.

Whatever the case, I'll be talking about all this, the Browns losing to the woeful Arizona Roadrunners, and more tonight as a guest on Blog Talk Radio: BC Sports Treehouse Fort for Blogcritics.org tonight at 8:40 pm (Gotham City time).

Hey, just like "The Janitor" from Scrubs, I work the "pre-dawn slot" on Mondays down at The Giggle Pit, it seems - and, hey, rightfully so! Regardless, I'm pretty sure (nay, absolutely positive) that Jim Donovan and Mike Greenberg can sleep well tonight...

I'll just have to lose the marbles in my mouth, try not to embarrass myself too much, and "muddle on through the best I can." If nothing else, it should be fun and a nice flashback to my time as a "co-host" on late-night Cleveland State college radio, right?

Internet/satellite radio is the wave of the future, it seems. Huh. Who knew? Not me if the performance of my Sirius stock is any indication! Regardless, thanks to Matt Sussman (our fearless BC Sports ringleader) for the opportunity, nonetheless.

ESPN can eat it with Stadium Mustard: The Cleveland Indians are up on The Bloody Sox!

2007-10-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

"So it looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." --Steve McCroskey, Airplane!

And it looks like the wrong week for the "sports leader in television" to side with George Steinbrenner and his gigantic New Yawk payroll. It looks like the wrong week to side with LeBron James and his misguided "love" for the New York Yankees, huh-?

"And all I can do is just pour some tea for two, and speak my point of view. But it's not sane. It's not sane..."

The Cleveland Indians are for real, ESPN! No, the Detroit Tigers did not win the American League Central. No, your beloved New York Yankees did not advance beyond the first round of the playoffs (nor past the terrific Tribe). And, no, the behemoths known only as the Boston Red Sox are not pounding my Cleveland Indians into sublime submission during the MLB post-season playoffs either.

So, ESPN, do you have any other "predictions" to bestow upon the "unwashed masses" here in Cleveland? Maybe the New York Jets will win the Super Bowl while we have at it - nah, I think not.

Matt Damon was quoted in Entertainment Weekly recently stating that he owned a shirt proclaiming: "Jesus Hates The New York Yankees!" Well, sure, don't we all-? But... does he have a shirt saying what the Scientologists think about the Cleveland Indians and their slim chances? Hey, maybe they SHOULD... L. Ron Mother-Hubbards!

LeBron James: The Cat in the Hat

2007-10-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

So, what the Wahoo was LeBron James thinking wearing a New York Yankees' hat? No doubt, it's not the crime of the century - but was he channeling "Elaine" from Seinfeld, or what?

Sham I am ...Green Eggs and Ham! Hey, all Dr. Seuss aside, LeBron can cheer for whatever "Evil Empire" he wants to ...but wearing it to the Jake during a Tribe playoff game was simply shameless, no doubt.

Ever hear about hometown loyalty? Does LeBron know anything about respect? Does someone from Akron understand anything about Cleveland pride (or lack thereof)? I think not.

I expect this kind of treachery from the national media and the such. I have come to expect this kind of nonsense from the ESPN nitwits who shill for their big market teams without the blink of an eye. Look no further than ESPN's Mike Greenberg who "predicted" the Detroit Tigers would win the AL Central MONTHS ago.

Greenberg's book: Why My Wife Thinks I'm an Idiot: The Life and Times of a Sportscaster Dad (she's not the only one) tells his God-like rise "to the top" as he (and his nanny) struggle with the burdens of raising their rich kids while juggling his responsibilites as a professional sportscaster.

Regardless, Mike Greenberg's baseball "predictions" on the ESPN Death Star (like his lame attempt at a book) belong in the dirty laundry bin - along with the rest of the "poopy diapers."

Go Tribe!

I'm not bitter, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - I just want to set the record straight: And ESPN can't handle the Truth!

As far as LeBron James - someone should feed his Yankees' cap to Rudy Hafner as a chew toy here in Cleveland! Who let the Tribe out? Woof! Woof! Woof!

Chris McVetta is a shameless psuedo-sports writer (without the media credentials) who predicted the Tribe in the playoffs and the Cleveland Browns with an (8-8) season. Who knew?

Teepee Talk with Chris McVetta: (Tonight's episode: ESPN and The Big Bang Theory)

2007-09-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

So I was watching ESPN's First Take this week (the black hole of broadcasting) and, as usual, I was sickened. (Hey, it was between watching THIS or (Insert name of some female-friendly, dull as dishwater, morning show HERE.)

So, what would YOU have done in this hostage standoff situation...?

Regardless, the Cleveland Indians have been playing some of the BEST baseball of the season - winning (at this time) eight games in a row and strengthening their lead in the American League Central over their feline foes, the Detroit Tigers (92 wins, as predicted HERE).

But, still, do my wacky Wahoos get any respect from the national media? Does anyone outside of the “Cleveland fishbowl” actually think that the Tribe has a chance of winning their division and making the post-season playoffs?

Madcap bloggers are from Mars and veteran sports reporters are from Venus, but honestly can't we all just get along on this big, blue Bizarro marble-? Nah.

Tim Couch: Young Frankenstein or Weird Science?

2007-08-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

Somebody better warn Gene Hackman to bolt the doors and lock his windows, folks - because The Transylvania Times-Herald is reporting (from this Fisher-Price computer) that "Frankencouch" is storming the steroids countryside (and looking to toss any upstart bloggers down the well, as well - Zoinks!).

Oh, Tim Couch, what has become of you-? The former "cautionary tale" from the "new" Cleveland Browns has now been allegedly linked to steroids, according to Yahoo! news in recent reports.

And, to add insult to injury, the casting Couch has recently been released by the Jacksonville Jaguars in another futile attempt at an NFL comeback...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?"

Getting some McLovin' from MSNBC!

2007-08-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Someone just sent me a link to a story from the beginning of the summer from another fellow Clevelander - "Open Mike" at msnbc.com - about yours truly.

It seems it references myself, and an article I wrote for Blogcritics.org (an ONLINE MAGAZINE) entitled: "The 'Curse' of Cleveland Sports (And Other Tales of 'Whoa!')"

Wow, I'm actually rather stunned (believe it or not) - and very flatterred by this shout-out from Mike and the spotlight he lovingly shines on Cleveland, Ohio.

And, just like the Cleveland Indians, it comes (rather timely) at a moment after a night of sulking in my frosty Belgian beer - alongside the plasma big screen featuring a frazzled Fausto Carmona.

Look, Cleveland, there are many a day when I don't feel like getting out of bed here in the Rock n' Roll city, either. There are no jobs here. The city is crumbling. The leaders and mass media are "apathetic" with a (what-do-we-do-NOW?) "Gee whiz shrug" - to say the least. And the citizens of C-Town are leaving faster than you can say: "Charlie Frye or Derek Anderson-?" (MY vote: Charlie Weis)

Needless to say, there are many days here in Cleveland I don't feel like "a sexy hamburger."

But like the mid-market Tribe, sometimes you have to play your strengths - because, hey, that's all we've got in terms of talent and "resources." Sometimes you have to pull yourselves up by the bootstraps and face off against a "goliath" like the New York Yankees (even if they are bigger, stronger, richer, faster) - because, quite frankly, nobody else will do it for you.

The majority of the national media (like ESPN) is sitting and waiting to kick Cleveland to the curb - and cheer on their beloved New York behemoths (Yankees, Jets, Mets or otherwise).

Yeah, sure, I could go and sulk in the clubhouse like the Cleveland Indians (I have on many occassions, in fact). I could go cry in my beer because I'm not writing for The Simpsons ...or winning an Emmy for Lost ...or starring on Saturday Night Live ...or even (at worst) writing a "pet advice column" for Cat Fancy magazine and co-hosting "Bowling for Dollars" (im my spare time).

I could be doing all those things and more - but I'm not. And, guess what-? Just like the "beleagured" Cleveland Indians ...I have no one to blame but myself. Period. End of story-?

So, sure, maybe the Tribe will never beat the Tigers or Yankees (or win a World Series) - and maybe I'll never win a "Pulitzer Surprise" for writing about "inviting my cleaning lady out to lunch" or some such nonsense. But so what-? You have to at least TRY.

A very wise "Jedi Master" from "...a galaxy far, far, away" (Channel 73 on Time-Warner cable, me thinks) once told us: "If you don't promote yourself, nobody else is going to do it for you."

And even that jackass from Match.com, Dr. Phil, has been known to say: "Hey, it's OKAY to be braggin' on yourself once in a while..."

Not a problem from this meager outpost, Phil! Regardless, the Cleveland Indians have a chance to win their division ...they have a chance to get to the playoffs (this year) ...and they have a chance to represent their hometown and WIN the World Series for their half-crazed mass of adoring fans.

Or they can just "sit home and sulk." But I'm not going out like that - and neither should the entire staff of the Cleveland Indians. Anything else is just "an Atomic Wedgie" waiting to happen...

And, hey - Thanks for the "pep talk," Mike! I feel "Superbad" now (Yes, in that classic, ironic, and GOOD ...Cleveland kind of way).

All Bets Are Off - Literally!

2007-08-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

So I guess I have been selected to be part of a "sports town hall meeting" featuring Mark Shapiro and Phil Savage for the show All Bets Are Off with Bruce Drennan on Sportstime Ohio.

I get to ask both Shapiro and Savage a question about the Browns and Indians as part of the show but, don't worry, it won't be: "So ...what's the deal with Bernie Kosar? Seriously."

It's most likely going to be more like the episode of The Simpsons where "Mr. Burns" runs for governor:

Lisa Simpson (reading from a notecard): "Mr. Burns. Your campaign has all the momentum of a runaway freight train. What makes you so popular-?"

Mr. Burns: "Ewwww, a tough question, Lisa ...but a FAIR ONE."

But that's okay! I think it will be cool to finally meet some of these people "in the biz" that I've been writing about this last year or two - I'm really looking forward to this!

I just hope I don't pull "a Kramer" and fall off the stage or something - while I'm promoting "my coffee table book about coffee tables."

The show is being taped at The House of Blues in Cleveland at 3:00 pm today (check your local listings for show times ...Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel).

So I guess this will probably bring The Joker, The Riddler, Catwoman, The Penguin and Two-Face out of the woodwork, as well, huh-?

Commissioner Gordon: "Wait! I never got to say THANK YOU!"

Batman: "And you'll never have to..."

More later...

The Ultimate Matt Damon: Bourne to Run

2007-08-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it between the roar of transforming robots, the sea of yellow-skinned marketing tie-ins from Springfield, and Bruce Willis “die harding” just a little harder this summer: Matt Damon’s The Bourne Ultimatum is the best movie of the year.

Truth be told, Matt Damon has always been one of my favorite actors of his generation. Damon does not always make the best movies, to be sure (Stuck on You, anyone?) but - just like his meat-and-potatoes character of super spy, Jason Bourne - he’s a risk-taker, to say the least. The end game results: spectacular.

And, unlike other actors of his ilk, Damon seems more concerned with the quality of his projects than counting receipts and pushing box office records. Matt Damon chooses the best directors in the business, whether it be Bourne’s Paul Greengrass, Steven Sodenbergh from Ocean’s Eleven (Twelve and Thirteen), or even legendary filmmaker, Martin Scorcese (The Departed).

I only wish that the other filmmakers in Hollywood would put as much “thought” into their movies - even so-called mindless summer blockbusters - that Matt Damon puts into his own work.

The creators of Batman Begins and Casino Royale (both movies that should have never been snubbed by the Oscars for Best Film because of their "content") did it the last two summers and delivered quality entertainment - while winning over critics and producing big box office numbers in the meantime.

Now, along comes The Bourne Ultimatum on these hazy summer days and it’s a movie that explodes with big action (and smart memorable results) on every stunning level.

To quote Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) at his best: “I’ve been running for three years. It ends NOW.”

And, thankfully, The Bourne Ultimatum ends with a …BANG.

The Bourne Ultimatum: Grade A-

Back to the Future: Welcome home, Kenny Lofton!

2007-07-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have to admit: Kenny Lofton was my favorite player back in the "glory days" of the Cleveland Indians during the 1990's.

As we all grow older - Kenny Lofton, myself, and the rest of Cleveland: I guess everybody likes to remember "the good old days."

That being said, I proceed with a bit of "eerie hesitation" about Lofton rejoining the Tribe during his golden years.

Sure, I am absolutely excited to see Kenny Lofton joining Grady Sizemore in the Indians' outfield, to be sure. But I am uneasy (to say the least) if this is a good move for the Tribe (or just a last ditch grab for glory - on both counts).

The Cleveland Indians have been pushing their "youth movement" these last few years and - in 2007, at least - it certainly seems to be working. Lofton has a "bad reputation" among the local media, to say the least, but it certainly has nothing to do with his skills on the field.

I'm guessing that at age 40, Kenny Lofton has hopefully "matured" a bit and will bring some much-needed "experience" to this current crop of Indians. I still remember the magic of leaving my "footprint" in the upper-deck of Jacobs Field when the "Lofton Indians" were the talk of the town - the Jake was being built (at the time) - and Bill Belichick was just still some "hobo in a hefty bag" who ruled the Browns with an uneven, heavy hand (Hey - who KNEW?).

I know: I need some new stories. But, hopefully, Kenny Lofton and I can hop into my time-travelling DeLorean, fuel up my flux-capacitor, and enlist the help of "Doc Brown" to save the future of these 2007 Cleveland Indians in the most recent installment of "The Enchantment Under The Sea" dance known as The World Series.

Now if only I could find a way to "erase" Trot Nixon from the snapshot Polaroid I currently hold in my hand, we'd be all set here in Tribe Town - as Dennis "Goldie" Kuchinich is sweeping up the floors of "The Grog Shop" yearning to be mayor (Senator, President) some day.

"You watch, Mr. Chris ...I am going to be president some day! You just wait and see!" (Sure you are, Goldie ...sure you are.)

You want to clean up this town-? Well, here's a broom! You can START by cleaning up the "Euclid Corridor Project" - it's a MESS!

Ah well - as long as I don't have to endure some "awkward fumblings" with Dorothy Fuldheim in the backseat of my car to "save the future" - all is well, I guess ("Oh, that Calvin Klein ...isn't he just positively McDreamy?"). Gulp!

Regardless, it's nice to see Kenny Lofton back in a Tribe uniform - even if he has lost a "jigawatt step" - and doesn't steal bases at 88 miles per hour (here in present time).

It's still unclear if Kenny Lofton will help the 2007 Cleveland Indians win a World Series. Can we, here in Cleveland, go back to the past to save the future-?

I guess only time will tell...

NEXT ON BACK TO THE FUTURE 2: Wipe away those crocodile tears because we go back to the past to "save" Tim Couch's career...

Wahoo! Travis Hafner's new $57 million deal will buy a lot of Pronk Bars, kids!

2007-07-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

I guess I should probably go ahead and order those “I Heart Larry Dolan” T-shirts, huh?

It was announced today that the Cleveland Indians have signed their designated hitter, Travis Hafner, to a 4-year deal worth $57 million dollars. Now it looks like there WILL be joy in “Pronkville” after all as the Cleveland Indians continue to sign their top talent, following Grady Sizemore, Jhonny Peralta, and Jake Westbrook...

(As shameless as Barry Bonds on "media day" you can read more HERE...)

McViewer Mail: I'm a little teapot!

2007-07-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while we like to respond to mail we get here at The id and I.

Well, actually, we never get mail here at The id and I.

However, in regards to my post "Joe Thomas and the Browns: Why the last thing Cleveland needs is ANOTHER orange barrel" - Someone named "Rich" writes:

Chris,

You were right about one thing. The Browns weren't listening to your advice, even if they did take Brady Quinn, the pretty boy. However, where you may errored in judgement, was using your real name in your post, and not unlisting yor name in the local telephone book, now that Joe Thomas is here in town.

Cordially, Rich

Chris McVetta responds:

Not at all, Rich!

NOW it's quite possible that Mr. Thomas can look me up in the phone book, "ring me up on the telly" - and I can invite him over for a lovely spot of tea out on the east terrace.

G'day, Guv'nor!

Sammy Sosa Hits 600: See What Some Flintstones Chewable Vitamins Can Do, Kids?

2007-06-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Sammy Sosa (pictured left) after a day at the BALCO Outlet Store. With all due respect to a former Arts Editor of mine (back in The Stone Age) who might say: "Yabba Dabba Don't" tell me that Sammy Sosa hit his 600th home run because of "pure power."

As The Great Gazoo would advise: Only a bunch of "Dumb-Dumbs" would believe THAT.

What words can you possibly say about a guy who just hit his 600th home run (against his former team, the Chicago Cubs) and has now joined the elite ranks of a chosen baseball few like Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, and Barry Bonds?

Well, like Sammy Sosa at a Congressional hearing on steroids himself, the words “no hablo inglés” quickly come to mind...

LeBron James: The King, the id, and I

2007-05-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

I just cannot get enough of the LeBron James-Warren Buffett tandem in action ...can you? Whether they are swapping stock picks, having lunch at some quaint greasy spoon diner together ...or just solving another wacky murder mystery involving an eccentric industrialist without a face ...these two kids just seem to be the original odd couple! LeBron James and White Bread can do no wrong in my eyes!

Moonlighting strangers ...who just met 'long the way.

Now if only Warren Buffett could advise us (and the rest of the front office of the Cleveland Cavaliers) in regards to Larry Hughes: "Sell! Sell! SELL!" Dainel Gibson: "Buy, buy, BUY!"

So how long before Travis Hafner and Jim Cramer team up-?

Maddie Hayes (Cybill Shepherd): "You don't believe me, do you-?"

David Addison (Bruce Willis): "No. But I believe IN YOU."

I can almost hear Agnes DiPesto saying: "Blue Moon Detective Agency. Have a Cleveland sports team that's in a rut? Do you have a household that's missing a mutt? We have the detective agency that is so fine! Kellen Winslow-? We'll keep him in line! The national media ... don't have a clue. They all said in the beginning ...that LeBron really blew! The Cleveland Indians are in first place - if only McVetta would show his face! Brady Quinn of the Browns ...is on the rise. Training camp don't mean much ...we do surmise. So if you are sad, if you are blue ...look to the id ...we'll give you a CLUE!"

The Simpsons: 400th Episode!

2007-05-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

"God, no! I get my news like the rest of the normal people under the age of 70 - from the Internet. So long, dinosaur!"

-- The Comic Book Guy responding to local anchorman, Kent Brockman, after asking if he saw his television show, Smartline, last night (on The Simpsons).

Spider-Man 3: "It's Crap-tastic!!!"

2007-05-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

Could Dennis Kucinich (pictured left) be the next Electro in Spider-Man 4 if Sony comes back to Cleveland to film the sequel? I'm spider-sensing an old Muny Light Co. storyline that would make Michael Chabon weak in the knees. Hey, True Believers, if Dennis doesn't get the part in that fictional farce - it's no one's DEFAULT but his own! 'Nuff said.

So, okay, the hype is over and the box office receipts are in the bank. And even though Spider-Man 3 had a lot of electrifying moments - the flick was a major disappointment (even as summer blockbuster entertainment).

Too many plot points shamelessly shoved into a "farewell to the troops" finale. A wasted opportunity with Thomas Haden Church as "Sandman" (a landmark Spider-Man villain) and the return of a snow-boarding "Green Goblin" (James Franco) that no doubt was a desperate attempt to appeal to a thirsty Pepsi (and Xbox) generation - fell flat.

Topher Grace (and the special effects that enveloped him) shined as "Venom." However, director Sam Raimi was too busy trying to be "everything to everybody" to stay true to the Spider-Man mythos.

The character of Doc Connors ("The Lizard") has been introduced in all three films - yet he has failed to materialize as another one of Spidey's superb snarling foes. Thusly, another opportunity has been "Doc-blocked" leaving this latest installment of the franchise feeling like sex without the orgasm.

The spotlight should have stayed on the Harry Osborne-Green Goblin/Peter Parker-Spider-Man "friendship" and their battle to co-exist as friends and foes (while staying true to the original Stan Lee-Steve Ditko formula for success) - instead of just dissolving into a special effects sideshow.

Everything else in Spider-Man 3 ...is just fodder for the web.

Grade: C+

Joe Thomas and The Browns: Why the last thing Cleveland needs is ANOTHER orange barrel

2007-04-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

(Associated id - Cleveland, Ohio) - Offensive tackle from Wisconsin, Joe Thomas, pictured left: The only thing Joe Thomas will be "fishing for" this weekend during the 2007 NFL Draft is an approving endorsement from The id and I.

Okay, all you draftniks and beatniks, I need to squelch one thing right now: The Cleveland Browns should not (and will not) draft offensive lineman, Joe Thomas, with the #3 pick in the 2007 NFL Draft.

"But, Chris!" you might screech, with your neurotic lady's voice, like your favorite character on Grey's Anatomy upon seeing "McDreamy" in the hospital hallway. "The game of pro football is won and loss on the offensive line!"

Well, you're half-right. But unfortunately the only thing THAT logic, along with a Master's degree in Creative Writing and an Indian nickel, will actually get you is a job proofreading classified ads placed by "Barney Gumble" in The Springfield Shopper - and another 6-10 season for the Cleveland Browns.

So, I don't care what you have heard over on "Grumpy and The Dunce Talk Sports!" - or any other local Cleveland talk show for that matter. The only thing you are going to get from them is a "bad case of the bends" after eating at one of the eateries that advertise on their show.

Hey, I can suck lemons with the best of them in this town, folks, and believe-you-me: You NEVER, EVER waste a top 3 pick in the NFL Draft on a (shudder) offensive lineman!

Everyone knows you waste it on a skilled position: Quarterback, running back or wide receiver.

So, do yourself a favor and save a trip to the infirmary ("infirmary" is a 19th century term meaning "Urgent Care Center," kids - Google it!) for some other sports sap - and pray to your personal deity that the Cleveland Browns draft either Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson.

Frankly, I think Brady Quinn (for better or worse) is the best quarterback in this year's draft - and JaMarcus Russell is an overrated soon-to-be-bust that is being "built up" by the cackling magpies in the national media who wouldn't know talent from Mel Kiper's tube of Sugar Bowl hair gel.

Regardless, I am getting quite tired of Quinn "positioning" himself between the glamour of being drafted number one by the "Ooops! I did it again!" Oakland Raiders - over his "love" for playing for his hometown Cleveland Browns.

Which is it, Brady? Pick your poison, pretty boy!

The Cleveland Browns would do just as well drafting running back Adrian Peterson with their 1st round pick and pouncing on Michigan State quarterback, Drew Stanton, in the second or third round.

But what do I know, huh-?

I have as much chance of influencing the Cleveland Browns (and their draft) as hosting my own mid-morning "gabfest" (with some creepy sidekick) on my local FOX affiliate: "That's Cancelled! with Chris McVetta" (where my guests will include the ghost of Kurt Vonnegut who will award me the coveted "Sally Struthers Lifetime Achievement Award for Excellence in Blogging and VCR Repair") ...and we'll whip up a batch of my tasty Geez-us! Fish in a succulent lemon sauce over in my McKitchen.

The Cleveland Browns need a star quarterback or running back: Quinn or Peterson (and the rest will follow) to restore faith in the followers of the Elf they call "Brownie."

And you can bet your creepy sidekicks on that! (Check your local listings.)

The Cleveland Browns listen to me like George Costanza's mother listens to the Chinese!

2007-03-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

Getting my whines crossed: Trent Green (pictured, left) would look like a quarterbacking machine in an orange and brown uniform with 4,000+ yards a season and numerous Pro Bowls, wouldn't he?

Will wonders never cease? For months I have been BARKING about how the Cleveland Browns cannot possibly go into their 2007 season with Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson as their starting quarterback tandem - and expect to win many games.

Yes, the offensive line is a top priority, but signing free agent Eric Steinbach will help that greatly (and drafting another talented young lineman in the second or third round would help even more). Still, the Cleveland Browns need a new quarterback (in one form or another) to start next season.

Don't give me the usual "Tim Couch was a #1 bust behind an awful line, Jeff Garcia didn't fit into our system, Charlie Frye needs time to develop" rhetoric - which are all valid arguments if you like to live in the past like the cavemen from those tired GEICO commercials.

Tim Couch, yes, was busted up behind a bad line and Garcia is not going to flourish in Tampa Bay, either, because he's a product of a successful "system" - not a proven quarterback. And Charlie Frye has made too many "bad decisions" when the game is on the line in crucial times (Baltimore, for starters, anyone?).

Now, what should the Cleveland Browns aspire to be in the NFL - the Buffalo Bills? A good offensive line, yet no talent in the backfield - with the likes of J.P. Losman as your quarterback and a running back to-be-named later? As George Costanza would so aptly shrug: "It's the chicken and the egg."

So, what has my solution been for the past few months? Simple: Draft Brady Quinn (if available) with your #3 pick in the first round of the draft and trade for a veteran quarterback in the meantime (Trent Green) for a mid-round pick.

PHIL SAVAGE: "What-? He's not Chinese! (Pauses) Well, this changes EVERYTHING."

GEORGE COSTANZA: "What's the difference? He still gave you good advice! Who cares where it came from-?"

PHIL SAVAGE: "OH NO! I'm not taking advice from some blogger from Lake County!"

RANDY LERNER (Storms out of the room): "You want a divorce, Cleveland? I'LL GIVE YOU A DIVORCE!!!"

JERRY SEINFELD: "You know ...you might want to consider changing the name of your blog."

And you can take that bit of wisdom - wrapped in a fortune cookie - to the bank! Or my name's not "Donna Chang" - and it's not.

MAD About You (Some of the Usual Gang of Idiots): The Complete Second Season, Boxed-Disc Set

2007-03-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

Bored in the U.S.A. (left): "Sylvester P. Smythe" is the janitor featured on every cover of Cracked Magazine.

He does pretty well for himself despite never being arrested on tax evasion, invading Norway on false pretenses, drunk driving with Tony LaRussa, winning an Emmy for his "naked news" or betting on baseball with Pete Rose!

Well, just when I question the "sports sanity" of the Cleveland Browns and their organization (that I rally around with reckless abandon), along comes the Houston Texans to claim the top spot of the "Too Stupid to Live" on the NFL food chain (Better luck next time, Oakland and Detroit!).

I don't know how they did it - or WHO they did - but how anyone can cash a paycheck in professional sports with the moves this team has made is beyond me.

Passing on Vince Young, Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush for - Mario Williams?

Trading top multiple draft picks for a backup quarterback - Matt Schaub? Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? The Houston Texans are making Matt Millen of the Detroit Lions look like the Albert Einstein of the gridiron and Al Davis is reminding me more and more of that guy in the wheelchair writing about "wormholes" and stuff (I can't remember his name, but when I see Stephen Hawking at lunch, I'll be sure to ask him).

Still, I have no qualms with the owner of the Cleveland Browns - simply because he spends the money necessary to win. However, watching the Browns under the woeful Romeo Crennel last season was about as painful to witness as being tied to a chair, with my eyelids taped open, and forced to watch NASCAR on a continuous loop (Although, now that I think about it, NASCAR is a continuous loop by nature).

The NFL Draft is about a month away - Let's hope the Cleveland Browns aren't too busy studying for their "ESPN Fantasy Baseball Drafts" and focus on their own team needs. Brady Quinn, Joe Thomas or Adrian Peterson are all within their grasp - don't fumble the ball on the goal line NOW.

Chris McVetta is a "janitor of journalism" who enjoys mopping up after sports teams in Cleveland with his sloppy prose and bucket of pop culture chum.

Duh Tribe Report: Am I just brain dead?

2007-03-07T05:20:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or doesn't it seem like it would be a good idea to broadcast the spring training games of the Cleveland Indians on their own cable network, Sports Time Ohio???

Maybe I'm just a drooling moron for asking this but I believe it to be a legitimate question. Perhaps there are some "legal reasons" that it would be in direct violation with ESPN or the local radio stations who broadcast the games in town.

But the Cleveland Indians OWN Sports Time Ohio ...AND the team. Why couldn't they broadcast these afternoon games down in Winter Haven during the day on STO?

I mean, it's not like they are showing anything else during the day on this cable station unless you consider "static" a form of entertainment. And how many times do I actually need to be informed that "Underground Hillbilly Backyard Basment Trailer Park Wrestling" will be shown promptly at 10:00 pm?

Once a day is fine by me ...thanks!

Damn, if STO is that hard up for programming, I'll volunteer to make predictions about the upcoming Fantasy Baseball season for them. I could read "stats" from my Sporting News magazine while wearing my stylish "Corona-bottles and limes" pajama bottoms on my living room couch.

That should turn some heads during "sweeps week" in Cleveland, huh?

Super Blah XLI: Prince isn't going to sing that "Batdance" song at halftime, is he-???

2007-02-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Adam Vinatieri (photo, shown left): That "idiot kicker" better not embarrass his quarterback (Ryan Leaf, not shown) on Super Bowl Sunday, that's all I've got to say!

CLEVELAND, Ohio (Associated id) - So is there some "big event" going on today that I'm not aware of-? No, seriously, what is it? The People's Choice Awards or something ...?

The last time I turned on the television was to watch "24" - and instead of finding Jack Bauer saving the world (again) from some wayward Amish Scientologists with a nuclear bomb - all I got was Travis Hafner lecturing me about how I should get off my lazy ass and start working out at "Fitworks."

Damn it, he was right: I had grown sedentary. So that's when the ugly truth hit me: Travis Hafner might not be able to act his way out of a paper bag ...but he was right. Pronk's always right.

I know that "working out" on the morning of "Super Bowl Sunday" shouldn't involve a bucket of buffalo wings and a tub of blue cheese for dippin' ...but it probably will. And unless those sinister Amish Scientologists on "24" blow it off the face of the earth ..."Fitworks" will always be there tomorrow, won't it-?

So at the risk of offending Mr. Hafner (and his acting coach) I'm making the "brave choice" to let myself (and my flabby abs) get swept away in the tidal wave of Super Bowl pre-game hype today.

But what's a Super Bowl without a party (for hootin' and hollerin' no less), huh-? And the bigger the TV screen - the better! Yep, it's times like these, you need to know who your friends are ...and their personal net worth, as well.

A "liberal arts major" with a black-and-white Goldstar TV (and some rabbit ears) is just not going to cut it on Super Bowl Sunday, my friends! Better to open up the old college yearbook right to the "Investment Banking" section, if you catch my drift.

I majored in Communications ...so I'll bring the Cheetos!

Regardless, even if your television isn't dripping with high-definition plasma, there is still plenty of drama to keep you glued to your substandard set:

* Will Peyton Manning win his first Super Bowl?

Huh. I guess that's pretty much it. How the hell do the media outlets stretch two weeks of 24/7 hype out of ...that?

Well, I guess that's why Mitch Albom gets all the good gigs - while I'm stuck here writing for The Phantom Zone Tribune.

"Da Bears" are "Da Snooze." Colts are probably going to lose. Brett Favre will most likely interrupt the game with some "major announcement" like The National Dairy Council recommends 3-servings of cheese a day - and, oh yeah, "I'll be back."

And I'm absolutely positive that Prince was a great choice to perform at The Super Bowl halftime show ...if this was 1985.

So, not to go "all Joe Namath on you," but here's my pre-Beligan ale game day prediction before I slip into "Suze, I wanna kiss you!" mode:

Colts - 27, Bears - 24.

No Amish Scientologists were harmed in the making of this article.

Bill Parcells: "Big Tuna" retires from the Cowboys; goes to that big 'StarKist' stadium in the sky

2007-01-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

Everything's big in Texas: Bill Parcells (a.k.a. "Big Tuna" shown here on the left and wrapped in his "Flavor Fresh Pouch") has officially retired as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys today.

DALLAS, Texas (Associated id) - Bill Parcells is out as coach of the Cowboys - and he's taking his oversized man-girdle with him.

However, there is still no word from Dallas sources if former apprentice, Bill Belichick, hugged him on the way out the door.

As many football insiders are aware, Belichick is infamous for witholding hugs when things don't "go his way" - as Peyton Manning painfully learned yesterday after the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New England Patriots, 38-34, in the AFC Championship game.

The quarterback of the Colts did, however, manage to playfully rub Belichick's belly "for good luck" in passing on Manning's way to his first Super Bowl appearance - as the "hooded hobo from New England" grumbled, shuffled and scowled his way off the field.

Although Belichick was visibly upset, some words were exchanged between Belichick and Manning, before (reports indicate) the coach returned to his refrigerator box home on the side of the highway.

PEYTON MANNING: "Hey, Bill, that was a heck of a game, huh, coach?"

BILL BELICHICK: "Hug off!!!"

How the retirement of his former mentor, Parcells, actually affects Belichick in any professional way, shape or form is anyone's guess. But as one insider from the Patriots' organization noted: "Um, Bill Belichick takes EVERYTHING personally..."

Reactions from the rest of the Dallas Cowboys are varied and mixed at this time. However, wide receiver Terrell Owens did comment that he was quite distraught about Parcell's departure.

T.O. even indicated that he might go as far as to fake his own death - in a last-ditch attempt to get his old coach back in training camp again. Or was that just last night's episode of Desperate Housewives I'm thinking of ...?

Regardless, the Dallas Cowboys are now without a coach, as Bill Parcells has officially left the building ...and was immediately carjacked by a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michael Vick's water bottle contributed to this article.

Who let the C.H.U.D.S out-? Woof! Woof! Woof!

2007-01-21T06:54:00.000-08:00

The id and I - "They're not staying down there, anymore!"

Wonder of wonders, the Cleveland Browns have actually snagged "a rising star" and a top-offensive coach from the ranks of one of the best offensive teams in the NFL: the San Diego Chargers.

According to Yahoo! Sports, the Browns have hired the former tight ends coach from the Chargers, Rob Chudzinski, as their new offensive coordinator.

Maybe "Chud" just got tired of working for a team that should have won the Super Bowl this year. And, more importantly, Marty Schottenheimer: Inventor of the "Prevent ...Offense." Or perhaps he just got tired of working for a coach - and a franchise - that got spanked by our favorite "hobo in a hoodie," Bill Belichick.

No doubt, Belichick has the best quarterback in football right now: Tom Brady. But it's hard to feel sorry for Marty and his "Super Chargers" after they lost a game they should have won to a guy who looks like the second-coming of "Sylvester the cat" - eating discarded fish bones off the top of a garbage pan lid for lunch.

When you are on a team that has the best running back in recent NFL history (LaDainian Tomlinson) and the best tight end (Antonio Gates) in football, it must make you want to make like Sylvester's son and put a paper bag over your head as you sigh: "Oh, father. I'm so ashamed!"

Or maybe Rob Chudzinski just LOVES Cleveland - and kudos to him!

Regardless, as a "Live Free or Die Hard" fan of the Cleveland Browns, this is a bit of good news to be sure. It's refreshing to see Phil ("North Coast Opie") Savage actually do something productive as general manager, for once, rather than spending his time bashing the fans of the Brownies and their "woe is me" mentality.

Woe is us, Phil Savage-? Woe is YOU if you continue to field a "professional" football team that couldn't beat the Richmond Heights Spartans in a scrimmage - and expect the hard-working folks of Cleveland to pay for it!

I'd like to sing your praises next season, Phil Savage, with a resounding chorus of "Who Let The Dawgs Out!" - I really would. But just like Mr. Bookman, the "Book Detective" from Seinfeld: "Rock was never my bag."

So, instead, I'll reserve my hard-earned cash (usually put aside for Browns' tickets) and pour it into a pitcher of Blue Moon Belgian Ale as I sit back and watch to see if your organization truly has the "smarts" to acquire quarterback Brady Quinn in this year's NFL draft.

If not, I guess this little blog-o-crap I write in Cleveland will go unheard by "the-powers-that-be," simply stating like Homer Simpson: "...and that's when the C.H.U.D.S got me."

But here's hoping that the Cleveland Browns and their collective "brain trust" don't continue to drag their highly-deserving fan base down into the sewer with them...

The Cleveland Browns are 0-6 in the AFC North: "We Are Marsh(m)all(ows)"

2006-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

The id and I - It looks like we have a "Full House" in Cleveland ...and Mary Kay is my ambitious Olsen twin!

It's times like these when I feel like inviting Larry Dolan over for a snifter of brandy and a fine Cuban cigar to have a good laugh about The Cleveland Browns in my study.

Or not.

And with the 2006 season of The Cleveland Browns all but over (again) it's hard to feel sorry for this seemingly endless sad-sack organization.

But look no further than the NFC South, where The New Orleans Saints (and their city) have rebounded from Hurricane Katrina with a football force of nature all their own.

After many seasons of fans wearing paper bags over their heads, The Saints went in a new direction - hiring the former assistant head coach under Bill Parcells, Sean Payton, as their fearless leader and signing Pro Bowl quarterback, Drew Brees, in free agency.

In one year, they drafted running back, Reggie Bush, with the second pick of the draft in the first round - and wide receiver rookie sensation Marques Colston (from Hofstra) in the SEVENTH ROUND.

3rd year wide receivers, Terrance Copper and Devery Henderson, have emerged from out of nowhere to step in for former Saints sensation, Joe Horn, and complete one of the most exciting passing combos this season.

Now the Saints have won the NFC South and they are headed to the NFL playoffs with the weight of New Orleans on their shoulders.

Meanwhile, the Browns are back at square one (again) - and crying in their "Great Lakes Christmas Ale" on the not-so-mighty shores of Lake Erie. We have a "quarterback controversy" over two guys that the rest of the planet has to ask: "Who-???"

Brady Quinn is going to The Lions, or Raiders, or Buccaneers ...oh my! Often-injured Oklahoma running back, Adrian Peterson, could be a nice "cure all" for Cleveland after the Browns (shudder) passed on LaDainian Tomlison - but the problem with Peterson is that he's always been a one-man M*A*S*H unit.

And now Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith is being heralded as "the Heisman hero" who will come home to Cleveland to save the Browns - and our town. The only question remains on whether or not Smith is more Vince Young than Danny Wuerffel once he hits the NFL next year.

Which leads us all back (again) to the offensive line of The Cleveland Browns which has been patched together over the years with a strategy that resembles an old lady playing "PLINKO" on The Price Is Right.

I'm done shaking my "Magic 8-ball" for answers when it comes to The Cleveland Browns and their organization. The only question I have left for Randy Lerner, Phil Savage, and Romeo Crennel is this: "If the beleaguered New Orleans Saints can bounce back after enduring a natural disaster like Hurricane Katrina (AND George W. Bush) ...then why are the Brown and Orange of Cleveland more black and blue ...than Black and Gold-?"

Magic 8-ball sez: "Ask again later."

Passing notes in Tribe class: Do you like the owner of The Cleveland Indians? Please check one box below: [ ] Yes? [ ] No? [ ] Maybe?

2006-12-10T06:14:00.000-08:00

So I know it's a little too early to start talking about major league baseball - or even The Cleveland Indians - just yet. But my Super Bowl predictions (The Panthers vs. The Bengals) went down the toilet with The Tidy Bowl Man.

And does anyone even want to talk about The Cleveland Browns-? They have dropped the ball this season more times than Dennis Northcutt! It's pretty bad when I have to pull my "Members Only" jacket and Rubik's Cube out of storage ...and cheer for Marty Schottenheimer and The San Diego Chargers.

So you can image my eternal excitement last week when I read that the team owner of The Cleveland Indians, Larry Dolan, finally "got the message" from fans that he needs to spend more money this season (Whaaaaat? WHO said THAT-?!?!?).

Even better was the news that the Tribe signed former closer from The Florida Marlins, Joe Borowski, to a one-year deal worth $4.25 million. This is a great deal for The Tribe - I love it!

Borowski had 36 saves in 43 attempts for the Marlins last season - and this move re-ignites my faith in the team's general manager, Mark Shapiro.

Don't worry, I know it's the holidays but I'm not going to go all "Rankin/Bass" on you after last season when there were: "NO TOYS ALLOWED in Toyland!!!"

I highly doubt that you'll ever see me ("Kris McKringle") go up to Larry Dolan ("Burgermeister") and hand him a toy ("Grady Sizemore bobblehead") to try and melt his icy heart at "Chrismakkuh."

But, then again, I wouldn't discount my "capacity for cuteness" either - I've melted many an icy heart in my lifetime (Yeah, I'm looking at YOU, Cleveland Indians). If you keep making moves like this one in the off-season, Team Tribe, you'll be swooning faster than Buck Showalter can sing to Eric Wedge: "Put one foot in front of the other ...and soon you'll be walking out the door-or-OR!"

Regardless, it's a good move for the Tribe and, now, I need to get back to work. But I thought I would mention this because like Jerry Seinfeld: "My hair could be on fire and I could still talk about sports!"

The Browns vs. The Steelers: "Hey, Romeo Crennel, don't go all 'Care Bear' on us now, Big Daddy!"

2006-12-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it's about 24 hours until The Cleveland Browns face their age-old nemesis, those Steel City Beer swillin' hillbillies from the shores of Amish country ...those butter-churning buffoons ...The Pittsburgh Steelers!

Hey, it's not like I enjoy making fun of The Steelers, their organization, toothless hillbillies, or the people of Pittsburgh ...I'm just a fan of colorful writing.

Meanwhile, back in Gotham City, The Cleveland Browns are coming off a kick-ass win over the still-stunned Kansas City Chiefs at the hands of (former) backup quarterback, Derek Anderson.

I truly believe that the starting quarterback for The Cleveland Browns, Charlie Frye, plays with a lot of passion but, with all due respect to Ma and Pa Frye back in Smallville, I wouldn't mind seeing this Derek Anderson kid get the start against Pittsburgh.

Hey, The Browns have got nothing to lose at this point (well, um, except the game ...but other than that) so they might as well see what this Derek Anderson can do. We already know what Charlie Frye can do (and, as Yoda would say, "do not") - it's time for some new blood (again) here in Browns town.

It's time to see what head coach Romeo Crennel can do, as well. Coach Crennel bounced back after a disasterous week when wide receiver Braylon Edwards went all "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" on the sidelines two Sundays ago. But it's time to see if the Browns can win two tough games in row ...it's time to see if The Cleveland Browns can get on a roll.

I have grown tired of Coach Crennel's cute and cuddly "Care Bear" routine where he shrugs after every loss and proclaims politely: "Aw shucks, I suppose we probably could have done better..."

I realize that Romeo Crennel is more of a "cerebral" coach, but this is football ...I wasn't looking for Randy Lerner to hire Professor Charles Xavier to train the X-Men and his merry band of misunderstood mutants here.

I also understand that Coach Crennel is a direct disciple of Bill ("Hobo Joe") Belichick, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope Romeo inherited something from Belichick ...other than his "fashion sense."

So what have we learned here today, kids-? Well, hopefully, Braylon Edwards has learned to tell the bartender at the Spy club his troubles rather than - you know - IMPLODING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

But if Coach Crennel wants to solve logarithms on the sidelines, while carefully clutching his favorite "Cabbage Patch Kid" and embracing his "inner child," that's all fine and dandy with me ...just make sure you BEAT PITTSBURGH!

This is Cleveland, after all, and as we all know: "You gotta be tough!"

And if Romeo Crennel doesn't believe ME, then maybe he should get out the New England phone book, call up his "old friend in a Hefty bag" ...and find out for himself.

Just don't mention my name ...GO BROWNS!!!

Box Office Poison reviews Kevin Smith's Clerks II (on DVD): "I ASSURE YOU, WE'RE RE-OPEN!"

2006-12-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

I came of age in college when the original comedy classic by Kevin Smith, Clerks, was first released way back in 1994.

Clerks was an unrefined instant cult-comedy classic that put Smith on the map as a voice for a new generation (X). In addition to that, Clerks re-invented the comedy wheel, something sorely needed after Bill Murray went soft, John Belushi went to that "big frat house in the sky," Chevy Chase fell into a chasm of career oblivion, Steve Martin sold-out (repeatedly), and Eddie Murphy went all "Daddy Day Care" on us.

But, with the exception of Groundhog Day, Office Space and Swingers, the age of comedies died back in the 1980's - that is, until Kevin Smith and Clerks came along to tell the story of two disgruntled "convenience" store employees, Dante Hicks and Randal Graves.

Sorry, Adam Sandler fans, but Sandler's sorry, watered-down, rip-offs of earlier classics left my funny bone - and brain stem - numb. I got my comedy Ph.D. watching the early days of Late Night with David Letterman and Saturday Night Live - and I haven't looked back since (And, like most Ph.D.'s, I'm not qualified to work at Starbucks ...where's the justice-?!?).

But along comes Clerks II - a movie that Kevin Smith half-heartedly smirkingly claims he made because he needed to pay his mortgage. And when we first revisit Dante and Randal in this sequel of sorts, "the Quikstop" has burned down and these two engaging "losers" are forced to take jobs as fast-food workers at a place called "Mooby's" in order to keep their awkward existence, the present-day pop culture references - and this sequel - "moving along."

Now, with Dante and Randal in their 30's, the two main characters are forced to fight the future in the face of new technology, bloggers, and Peter Jackson battling George Lucas for dominance in their self-aware universe.

To be honest, at first glance, Clerks II appears to be the next biggest blunder since Caddyshack II - but, upon further review, nothing could be farther from the truth with this film.

"I'd do it for you, would you do it for me-? We will always be busy, making misery. We could build a factory and make misery. We'll create the cure, we made the disease. Frustrated, incorporated..."

Kevin Smith and his characters are still blunt, raunchy, and rough around the edges - but there comes a certain freedom within this framework. True change can never arrive by riding the fence of mediocrity and being politically correct (all the time). Sometimes, in everyone's life, eyes need to be opened with a cold crowbar rather than kind Hallmark words - and this is where Clerks II truly delivers on every level.

When Dante prepares to "pack up" with his fiancee and flee to Florida in hopes of a "brighter future," fellow New Jersey native, Randal, steps up to the plate to ponder this fun fact: "You hate this stupid town ...you hate the stupid people in this stupid town ...so what, after all these years, are you still doing here-?"

And this is where Kevin Smith plays his A-game. Instead of pandering to all his slacker fans still living a disgruntled life in the basement with their parents, Smith forces a satisfying "adult" resolution to the conflict in the lives of his cinematic characters - without completely "selling out."

Betty Crocker and her brownies are dead and gone. "Happily ever after" went out of fashion with The Wizard of Oz. Dysfunctional hybrid families are - for better or worse - the wave of the future. And that's the constant pop conclusion for all the "Clerk kids" who grew up in my generation.

When Randal questions Dante about his future about being a convenience store employee, it ignites a spark of debate that changes both of their lives - and this is where Kevin Smith regains his throne as the king of contemporary culture.

RANDAL: "Ten years ago, you said to shit or get off the pot-!"

DANTE: "YOU said that!"

RANDAL: "And you got all fired up, about changing your life and shit, and ten years later, you were still working as a convenience store clerk - until it burned down."

DANTE: "Hey, I took courses at Brookdale!"

RANDAL: "And then you dropped out!"

DANTE: "At least I was trying to do something with my life!"

RANDAL: "We were taking courses in Criminology. What the fuck were we training to be-? Fucking Batman or something-?!?"

And this is where Kevin Smith shines as a storyteller with Clerks II. Life is not about being a sheep who follows the herd to live a life that everyone else thinks you should lead. It's not even about "doing something." It's about doing what you LOVE - and doing it with the people you love doing it with... no matter what anybody else thinks ...no matter what the consequences.

Sometimes, in life, it's not all about what you want ...sometimes it's about what you don't want (or, more importantly, something inbetween - Yin and Yang).

Kevin Smith had lost his way with his movies over the years (sad to say). But, with Clerks II, Smith has regained a Zen-like piece of "the magic" that made his original work-of-art so great in the beginning.

"The Transformers," gay hobbit jokes, The Silence of the Lambs satire, Rosario Dawson, a pitch-perfect soundtrack, a donkey show to end all donkey shows, and "One ring to rule them all..."

Clerks begins with black-and-white beauty. Clerks II evolves into muddy colorful confusion - and finally resolves into it's original light and dark areas of clarity (Much like The Wizard of Oz ...anybody?).

Kevin Smith could have "shit or get off the pot" with Clerks II. He got off the pot. Here's hoping we can all go out and do likewise.

"You see everything. You see every part. You see all my light ...and you love my dark. You dig everything, of which I'm ashamed. There's not anything to which you can’t relate. And you’re still here..."

It's official: God loves Notre Dame football!

2006-09-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not a very religious man.

In fact, the closest I have come to finding spirituality is watching a Suze Orman infomercial on PBS. But last night's 40-37 Notre Dame comeback victory over Michigan State was nothing short of miraculous!

The Notre Dame football team, led by quarterback Brady Quinn, had to overcome awesome adversity that included (in no particular order): gusting winds, heavy rains, locusts and drunken Michigan State fans in green and white body paint hissing catcalls from the stands. And as anybody who has ever watched an "ABC After School Special" knows ...words can sting, ladies and gentlemen.

So the only realistic assessment that I can make out of all of that is this: God wants Notre Dame to win! Like I said, miraculous.

Okay, maybe it wasn't "miraculous" - but it was certainly marvelous. And yet another reason why college football is often so much more entertaining (at times) than the NFL.

It's also no wonder that after Butch Davis got the orange and brown boot by The Browns, I thought Charlie Weis would be the best choice to coach in Cleveland. But those pesky leprechauns to the midwest beat us to it - and the proverbial pot of gold, as well.

Nontheless, local Ohio guy and Notre Dame quarterback, Brady Quinn, is back in the Heisman hunt - and there's no better time to re-ignite talk about the fact that Quinn might be playing for The Cleveland Browns next year (Unless the Browns actually turn it up a notch and actually play up to their talent - but that's another miracle all together).

Brady Quinn is certainly the front-runner to be the #1 pick in next year's NFL Draft and the Browns are doing their best to secure that pick. However, The Oakland Raiders are leading the charge in that category (But, as we all know, Al Davis and The Raiders would most likely take a safety from Dartmouth over a possible franchise quarterback... so Cleveland will still have a shot with the #2 choice).

Yeah, I know. I probably should do something more "valuable" with my time than foolishly idolizing professional atheletes - like trying to solve global warming over appletini's with Al Gore or something.

But here's the thing: Sports are just so much more damn entertaining - and politics are sooooo boring. That is, of course, until my job is outsourced to India (too late!), called upon to "liberate" an oil-rich Yemen, or I develop that "Elephant Man's disease" and I have no medical benefits ($4 generic "Drool Be Gone" drugs at Wal-Mart, folks). Then I'll care.

But in the meantime, Irish fans, let's all say a prayer over our morning Lucky Charms breakfast cereal - and bourbon - and hope The Mighty Quinn makes his way back home ...to Cleveland Browns Stadium.

"Hello-? Say, do you have Albert Belle in the can-? You do-? Well, don't let him out! (Click)"

2006-08-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

(Sigh) Not to go "all Paula Cole" on you, but where have all the heroes from my youth gone-?

First, Manny Ramirez goes "loco" like a pack of Wacky Packages after moving to Bean Town.

Next, after listening to a former great Cleveland quarterback from my youth on Saturday attempt to do "color commentary" for the Browns game, I had to spend a "Weak-End at Bernie's, Too." (We still love ya, Bernie, but stick to what you do best ...like mentoring Charlie Frye.)

And now this...

Former Cleveland Indian, Albert Belle, has been arrested and jailed in Arizona for stalking his girlfriend...

I sure hope someone has put a GPS tracking device on my heart because, as a nostalgic Cleveland sports fan, it has been ripped right out of my body and taken for a joyless ride.

Don't ge me wrong. I'm certainly not defending Albert Belle - or his troubled actions - and I hope his victim can get a little peace of mind now and (hopefully) move on from this horrific mess.

Albert Belle did the crime, now he's got to do the time.

It's just sad that someone with so much talent on the baseball diamond could end up like ...this. And it's not like I don't remember any of Uncle Albert's other "wacky antics" during the 90's here in our beloved C-Town, either, folks.

In fact, when I was a sports editor for my concrete college newspaper down at dear old Cleveland State, one of my reporters actually wrote a story from Winter Haven, Florida claiming that Albert had all the qualities of an "ass muscle" when this cub reporter foolishly tried to interview a rather reluctant Belle.

Of course, that didn't go over with the big "Boss Man" down at the Tribe's public relations department, who quickly got me on the phone only to proclaim that he was yanking our press passes faster than Albert Belle could chase some wayward Trick-or-Treaters off his front treelawn in a Jeep.

To which I truthfully replied at the time (shrugging and hanging up the phone): "So what do I care-? I don't even LIKE baseball..."

So do you SEE where all this tomfoolery gets you in life, kids-? Slinging salacious sports gossip and tantalizing tidbits on the internet, meddling in the lives of famous people, like some busybody down at the cyber-beauty parlor-? You become "the Mary Worth of sports journalism!" (And there isn't even some semi-lucrative, end-of-the-world, newspaper buyout on the horizon either! Or is there...?)

So, sure, maybe comedy and serious sports journalism "don't mix." But my memories of the Tribe during the 90's are still fond ones, nontheless. It just goes to show you, unfortunately, that there is an "ugly side" to sports, as well.

I still got to tour Jacob's Field as a young pup with my "2 Live CSU Crew" while it was being constructed - and somewhere in that stadium is my fresh footprint in a block of cement that has hardened like this psuedo-sports comedian over time...

And I'll always remember the last time I saw Albert Belle, out and about, after I recently graduated from college. My friends and I bumped into him at The Ground Round in Euclid where we sheepishly pondered whether or not to approach him for an autograph as he stood at the bar. We never did.

But Belle was nothing but pleasant to the other customers - it never appeared like he was angry or wanted to "murder somebody" (but if Robert Blake has taught us anything, it's that you never murder anybody outside a busy restaurant, folks ...or some pointless "The More You Know" crap like that ...just something to keep in mind as you rot for all eternity, Baretta!). I just remember Albert smiling and waving at us as we walked out the door...

But, more importantly, I'll always remember Albert Belle's amazing baseball abilities ...on the field ...that I was lucky enough to witness in person.

Like him or not, he was my Babe Ruth.

I'm no doctor (but I play one on YouTube!) so take this with a grain of margarita salt: Here's hoping Albert Belle, and his victims, can finally find some peace in this life that we all deserve...

The id and I - "Episode I: The Phantom McMenace"

Chief Wahoo: "Make The Bad Man Stop!!!"

2006-07-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

From McWire reports...

Well, chalk up another Cleveland Indian who got "scalped" by Mark Shapiro and his merry band of misfits! Second baseman Ronnie Belliard is on his way to greener pastures with The St. Louis Cardinals after being traded for "a can of corn and a Cory Snyder rookie card."

I don't know what The Cleveland Indians are thinking right now. Save some cash, fleece some sheepish fans-? Anything is possible here in Thunderdome!

I honestly thought that Mark Shapiro was a good General Manager for The Tribe - but now I'm not so sure. But, one thing's for certain, I'm not going to bash him like some Mel ("Get thee to a nunnery!") Gibson on drunken holiday (We drunken leprechauns - although sarcastic - are a peaceful people).

To his credit, Shapiro has brought Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee to Cleveland - but I don't know how much of that was just "dumb luck" in a trade that showcased the long-gone Brandon Phillips.

To be sure, there is a lot of BLAME to be handed out to this Tribe team of 2006 that has gone awry. But who, you have to ask, is ultimately pulling the strings of this Tribe trainwreck-? Is it the owner, Larry Dolan-? Mark Shapiro and Eric Wedge-? Slider-? Or a combination of bad decisions based on their cumulative indecisiveness-?

This is all beginning to feel like a scene from A Few Good Men:

Lt. Daniel Kaffee: "Did you order the Code Red-?"

Col. Nathan R. Jessep: "I did the job. I..."

Lt. Daniel Kaffee: [shouting] "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED-?"

Col. Jessep: [shouts] "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!"

I truly believe that the blame (no signal) for "This Plan" (no signal) falls soley on the hands (no signal) of the owner - Larry Dolan (no signal). He has yet to prove he his willing to "spend the money" (no signal) which he is so shamelessly making from (no signal) Sports Time Ohio - while those other "poor middle-market teams" like The Detroit Tigers and The Minnesota Twins are running away with the AL division and wildcard.

It's bad enough that we got the rug pulled out from under us by that no-talent Ben Affleck and his whining Boston Red Sox! (You've got Jennifer Ganrner sleeping in your bed - How much is TOO MUCH, Ben!) Now we don't even have a future to mortgage - or hold on to anymore.

You, as fans, need to stop "waxing your dolphin" down at The Jake - even if it's "Drew Carey Bobblehead Night" - and start asking some tough questions of Larry Dolan, Mark Shapiro and Eric Wedge. You, as fans, deserve nothing less from them as they continue to take your money for "services NOT rendered."

As for me, in the meantime, I'll keep holding onto hope that The Tribe will someday turn things around like I hang onto The Sports Time Ohio antenna high above Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back:

Darth Dolan: "Fluke, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father-"

Fluke Skyblogger: "He told me enough! He told me YOU traded him away for some cash considerations and a player to be named later!"

Darth Dolan: "No, Fluke. I am your father!"

Fluke Skyblogger: "No - NO! It's not true. IT'S NOT TRUE!"

Darth Dolan: "Search your feelings - you know it to be true! Fluke, join me and together we can rule The Sports Time Ohio universe (no signal) ...as father and son!"

Well sorry, Your Highness, but you failed - I'll never join you. I'll never be one of your "media muppets" - and I'll never believe in your "Plan."

May The Force be with you, Cleveland!

The id and I - "Made with my very own Fisher-Price computer!"

"Bye Bye Broussard-ie!"

2006-07-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

The id and I asks "the tough questions," folks:

I wonder what Kurt Cobain would think of Ben Broussard's season if Mr. Cobain were still alive today-?

Well, if anyone still cares, The Cleveland Indians shipped first baseman Ben Broussard off to The Seattle Mariners for outfielder Shin-Soo Choo and a player to named later.

Shin-Soo ...who???

According to MLB.com: "The 24-year-old Choo, who's spent the majority of this year at Triple-A Tacoma, will join the Indians and be the club's starting right fielder against right-handed pitching.

Choo, a native of Korea, has hit .323 with 13 homers and 48 RBIs in 94 games at Tacoma this year. He's also stolen 26 bases in 30 attempts. He was named the seventh-best prospect in the Mariners organization by Baseball America earlier this year."

Wait. What ...what is this weird tingling sensation coming over me? I feel so ...so ...conflicted. I cannot believe that I'm about to admit this, but ...I actually LIKE this trade!

I feel so dirty.

But, what the hell, life is short and my loyalties are often as lopsided as plate of Jell-O - or FOX News. Honestly, my feelings about this Indians organization have not changed, but fair is fair - and this looks like a very good trade for The Tribe.

That's a hard thing for me to admit when Mark Shapiro and Co. constantly pat themselves on the back because they believe every single move they make (no matter how absurd) is "a work of genius" - They're like the "M. Night Shyamalan of the baseball world."

And I still cannot get passionate about this team as long as Larry Dolan owns this vibrating coin-operated franchise. So, even though I still care, it's kind of like what Marge Simpson told Edna (Mrs.) Crabapple on her wedding night: "Oh, passion's for teenagers and immigrants!"

And yet, 32,000 fans turned out today at the ballbark for a "businessman's special" - a team 23.5 games out of first place ...and another loss for The Indians. I love Jacob's Field, too, but these people must be "a wet dream" for used car salesmen and late-night infomercials...

As far as Ben Broussard goes, he had an impressive season on the offensive side of the ball, but his defense (no doubt) left a lot to be desired. I don't know - Maybe our "Baby Bono" will be more at home out in "Bigfoot country" living in an abandoned loft next to Pearl Jam.

Me-? I've always been more of a Stone Temple Pilots kind of guy. Hey, what can I say-? I know what I like when it comes to psuedo-Seattle grunge rock, thrifty Cleveland sports teams, and monsters I have seen fleetingly on "In Search Of."

Call it "a sixth sense." (Wink, wink)

LeBron James is "all in" and "Blue Horseshoe LOVES Endicott Steel..."

2006-07-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

"I don't throw darts. I bet on sure things." -- Gordon Gekko, ("Wall Street")

LeBron James is going to be staying in Cleveland until the 2009 - 2010 season and I couldn't be happier! Let the other "Chicken Littles on the Cuyahoga" debate the endless motives of LeBron's refusal to sign a full 5-year deal - me, I'm going to crack open an ice cold bottle of Hoegaarden, light up a Kramer-sized stogie, and count my Monopoly money from writing pointless pop culture dribble and other comedic musings on Teldar paper...

LeBron James is crazy like a "Bud Fox" - and he's going to be my Cleveland neighbor (um, more or less) for four more years. So what's wrong with that-?

While the Cleveland Indians are busy playing "Texas Hold 'em" ...with their private parts, LeBron James is leveraging his talent to force the Cleveland Cavaliers to "ante up" or "fold" after the next four years. If they produce, he'll stay in the game. If they don't he'll walk away - either way, he'll cash in his chips and be a very rich(er) man.

LeBron James is the lastest worldwide phenomenon - living and playing in Cleveland - and everyone is ready to write him off like he's just another Manny Ramirez - and this is just another "manic Monday."

Good and talented people do actually come to Cleveland - it's up to Cleveland whether or not we choose to embrace them - or shun them like the latest round of bird flu we read about in The Weekly World News.

Don't "boo" Jim Thome for leaving town - The Indians could have signed him a few years back by giving him an extra-year on his contract. But they didn't want the marketing potential of having the most beloved player in current Cleveland sports history - the "Bernie Kosar of baseball" - to stick around. Why-? Because they had to pay him ("bad back" and all).

So when it comes to having LeBron as my Cleveland neighbor for four more years, I'll glady throw out my Notre Dame "Welcome" mat to match his dreaded New York Yankees' baseball hat. It beats living next to Scott "There goes the neighborhood!" Sauerbeck, after all.

So crawl out of your caves and tar pits, Cleveland, and take a look around once awhile to see who his living, working and playing in your backyard:

"Hey, there's Braylon Edwards standing in front of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! I wonder if he would be willing to pick up my mail for me while I'm on vacation-? Professional atheletes, much like Hollywood celebrities, are often accessible and accommodating to the common man, after all, aren't they-?"

"You know, I went to Trader Joe's today and guess what-? That nice Anderson Varejao fellow actually recommended a fantastic blend of coffee beans to me over in aisle 3!"

"Wow, isn't that Charlie Frye - signing autographs for well-behaved, non-belligerent fans - on the back deck of Around the Corner-???"

You see: It's always sunny in Cleveland, Ohio! Even if you walk out of your home one fine day and see that the name on the mailbox of your new nextdoor neighbor actually reads: "Pronk!"

Take a few deep breaths and relax, Clevelanders! "Pronk!" just isn't the noise that Bam-Bam's pet dinosaur-kangaroo-thingy made on The Flintstones ...it's also the name of your new "Cleveland neighbor," future MLB All-Star, Travis Hafner!

See - nothing to worry about (But, um, just be SURE to take your recyclables to the curb every Wednesday and keep that damn stereo down - or he'll body slam you from "off the top rope" of your backyard patio deck...).

Welcome home, LeBron James!

"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies. Choking on your alibi. But it’s just the price I pay - Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes ...‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside!"

"Grady's Grouches" (tm) say "congratulations" to MLB All-Star Grady Sizemore of The Cleveland Indians! (And Vote Pronk!)

2006-07-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

The id and I - "Over a billion Larry Dolan 'cheap jokes' McServed!"

Sooooo ...I've been away for awhile ...how are The Cleveland Indians doing these days-???

Or should I say:

a.) The Cleveland Sizemores-?
b.) The Cleveland Pronks-? or
c.) The Cleveland Cliff Lees-?

I say that because these are the only three players I would pay to see play baseball right now. Why ANYONE would want to give their hard-earned money to this organization is beyond me!

Hell, at times, I get paid to see this team play down at Jacob's Field (soon to be A-B-C Check Cashing Ballpark, I'm sure!) and even I am tempted to just take my money from The Springfield Shopper and go to Alice Cooper'stown instead.

The 2006 Cleveland Indians (as I see them): "You come on like a flame and then you turn a cold shoulder ...FIRE AND ICE."

Do the players want to give up on manager, Eric Wedge-? I don't know. But I do know this: Larry Dolan will never EAT Wedge's salary. So my advice to the players and to Eric Wedge is this: Forget sensitivity training and just "Hug it out, bitches!!!"

I hate to say "I told you so" but... YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR (Unless you are a season ticket-holder ...and then you don't).

So I'm just curious: If The Detroit Tigers win The World Series this season, what excuse is this sad-sack organization going to use then for being a poor "middle-market team."

Because I don't think the Tigers are going to be "a fluke" - IN FACT, I said in earlier posts (in this very blog) that I thought Detroit would be this good ...last year. And, um, the last time I checked, Detroit (as a city as well as a media market) was financially on the same level as Cleveland.

So what's the problem, Larry Dolan-? Cat(s) got your tongue-? Or more importantly, your change purse-?

And while I'm at it, why is everybody "bashing" our very own "Baby Bono" ...Ben Broussard-? Sure, he made a couple of bonehead plays this year on defense - but who hasn't this season on The Tribe's roster-? "Anybody-? Anybody-? Bueller-? Bueller-?"

And Broussard (if you haven't noticed) has been having a pretty damn good year on offense - on an otherwise, uninspired, lackluster team. So let's make him our scapegoat, huh-? Wake up, puddin' heads, because Ben Broussard is the LEAST of your problems on this 2006 Tribe team!

(McEditor's note: I feel the need to defend Ben Broussard whenever his autographed baseball starts to glow brightly up on my mantle and Marlon Brando's voice mysteriously appears out of nowhere stating: "My son - with great power, comes great responsibility. You cannot escape your destiny, Kal-el...")

So, the fans, just like a young Anakin Skywalker, are beginning to ...turn. But why are they still turning out to support this feeble organization-? I'm sure the Marketing Department of the Indians would like to blame any-and-all low fan turnout "on the weather."

But the only Cleveland Indians' game-day forecast you need to know is this one: "Overcast ...with a 90% chance of sucking."

If you're there to support your Cleveland Indians (as players), well, bless you - and I can't say that I blame you for that. Just be sure to vote for Travis Hafner at mlb.com to make The All-Star Game.

But, for me, it's too hard not to want to throw Larry Dolan's baseball baby out with the bathwater...

In the meantime (or at least until the beginning of The Cleveland Browns' season), cue the Remy Zero: "Somebody saaaaaaaaaave me!"

Happy 4th of July to the REAL "Supermen" (and women) who are serving in the armed forces!

Box Office Poison reviews "Superman Returns" or ("How many 'P's' in catastrophe, chief-???")

2006-06-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

CHERYL ("THE TERMINATOR"): "I like your friend, Jerry. He's so dark - and disturbed."

GEORGE COSTANZA: "Jerry-? DARK and DISTURBED-??? Are you kidding me-? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!"

Well, Cleveland, I tried to bring the premiere of "Superman Returns" to our hometown, where it all started back in the 1930's with the creators of The Man of Steel, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.

Unfortunately, I failed because Bryan Singer and the fine folks at Warner Bros. decided to screen it for Shaquille O'Neal, instead, out in Hollywood. It seems like the only thing coming out of a phone booth in Cleveland, these days, is "Super Host."

I guess I should go sit in the corner now and eat my Valu-Time Beans out of a can like Jerry Siegel...

The good news - for Cleveland anyway - is that "Superman Returns" thumps like a brick - or one of Shaq's many fabled free throws. The bad news (again) is that I actually had to sit through this mess of a movie.

The good news (sort of) is that at least I did not have to sit next to director Bryan Singer at the Cleveland premiere. Can you say: "Awkward!"

It's hard to tell exactly where "Superman Returns" makes a wrong turn. The casting, for the most part, is right on the money. The only costly exception is Kate Bosworth as "Lois Lane" who - is so bad - makes ME look like a Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaper columnist!

It's not awful - in fact, it had it's moments. You truly want this movie to succeed. But it's too long - and boring - in too many parts to pass as acceptable. This installment of "Superman" tries so hard to be emotional that it often derails and feels like an over-the-top episode of "One Life to Live."

Yes, the special effects are spectacular - but the script stifles any attempts by the otherwise splendid Kevin Spacey as "Lex Luthor" to rise above this recycled storyline that borrows (too heavily) from the earlier "Superman" films directed by Richard Donner.

Bryan Singer never seems to grasp what this modern-day version of "Metropolis" should look like - and it ping-pongs unevenly between an art-deco version of the 1940's Max Fleischer comic book cartoons and today's technology.

And when this cold and sterile story and script decides to branch out on it's own to challenge the "Superman" mythos - it misses the mark by (um, excuse the pun) leaps and bounds.

Although the cast of "Superman Returns" is talented - they never seem to work together as an ensemble. They have as much "chemistry" between them as an arranged Scientology marriage out in Hollywood...

Brandon Routh as "Superman/Clark Kent" is not bad - but it's hard to tell if he is making this character his own, or just trying to mimic the one-and-only substance and style of the late (great) Christopher Reeve.

That being said, "Superman Returns" misses the mark on so many levels and pales in comparision to the fantastic efforts of the "Spider-Man" series, the wonderfully inventive "X-Men" movies (where Bryan Singer excelled) and the high-water mark of revamped comic book movies: the dark and delightful "Batman Begins." This movie, to say the least, feels more like "The Fantastic Four."

It's sad to say, but "Superman Returns" feels more rushed and regurgitated ...and not at all refreshing.

In fact, it's about as invigorating as a "Kryptonite colonic."

Grade: C (for "Can't standz ya!")

An open letter to Warner Bros. and Bryan Singer, director, of "Superman Returns"

2006-06-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Bryan Singer and (Super) Friends:

Greetings from Cleveland, Ohio! - As you may know, the original home of "The Man of Steel" and the two kids who created him, Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel. Although Jerome Siegel was born in Cleveland on October 17. 1914, he did not meet a young artist named Joe Shuster until 1931, when Shuster relocated from Toronto to Cleveland with his family.

But that's neither here nor there. In the hearts and minds of Clevelanders, Siegel and Shuster are both considered "native sons."

It was in Cleveland that these two young men with a dream created "Superman." And it was in Cleveland that an American icon was born.

Although the basis of the fictional city, "Metropolis," has been heavily debated by fans throughout the world (some believe the blueprint was based on Shuster's hometown of Toronto), I personally cannot help but believe that Cleveland, a medium-sized, midwestern city, had some influence as the actual inspiration for Superman's beloved hometown in the 1930's.

Could The Cleveland Press have been the inspiration for The Daily Planet? Could the late John D. Rockefeller (Another Clevelander, who built Standard Oil into the largest company in the world, and was for a time the richest man in the world; his business career was controversial; he was accused of being a monopolist and was bitterly attacked by investigative journalists) be a veiled inspiration for arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor (a rich business tycoon and the most powerful man in Metropolis), and "LexCorp." - Luthor's own "infamous" company?

Interestingly enough, both "characters" (Rockefeller and Luthor) later went on in their careers to cultivate a popular image as great philanthropists.

These Superman "fun facts" and "fictions" could be debated endlessly by historians, as well as pop culture aficionados, alike - until the end of time. The FACT remains: There is no denying that the city of Cleveland had an early, heavy, influence on the creation of the character of "Superman" as he is known to the world today.

With that, Mr. Singer, I would like to invite you, the entire cast and crew of your film, "Superman Returns," as well as the living relatives of Mr. Jerry Siegel and Mr. Joe Shuster to attend and have the world preview of your movie ...in Cleveland.

As a native Clevelander myself, I have seen firsthand both sides of the city that I have come to love and call my own: One side is naive, timid and insecure (like "Clark Kent") while the other side of Cleveland is constantly striving to rise above all the turmoil and be a symbol for greatness ("Superman").

It's for all these reasons (and MORE), that I invite you, Bryan Singer, to bring the world premiere of "Superman Returns" to Cleveland - the official hometown of "The Man of Steel."

Just two guys from Cleveland with a dream: And I cannot think of a town like Cleveland more deserving.

Like Jimmy Olsen, himself, I have activated my "Superman signal watch" - Now I can only sit back, like the rest of Cleveland, and hope you respond to our request as we wait with optimism for your arrival.

Sincerely,
"Superman's pal"
Chris McVetta

Toobin' The Tube: Are the castaways on "Lost" just some Sea Monkeys for space aliens?

2006-06-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

So I guess I am supposed to write some thesis on "Lost" or something, seeing that I have been tagged "the pop culture kid" by The Others on the opposite end of this "remote" cyber-island (there certainly does seem to be an unusually large number of lit torches surrounding my camp, as of late).

But that's neither here nor there...

Summer. There's no better time to live in Ohio - unless, of course, you are a fan of the hot and cold Cleveland Indians. In which case, there's no better time to hit the open road in search of ...other "Adventures in Babysitting."

Chief Wiggum on "Talkin' Tribe" to The Indians Vice-President of Public Relations: "Um, Ralphie, you can get off the stage now, sweetheart." ("My Indians made an ouchie!")

So I called my travel agent at Roswell Airlines and was on my merry way - to Austin, Texas-? Or Notre Dame, Indiana-? Or Chicago, Illinois-? Or maybe all of the above. The id and I is nothing, if not mobile...

"The hatch" has been blown sky high, we have crawled down inside to discover it's secrets, and "the code" no longer needs to be mindlessly punched into the computer before hitting the "EXECUTE" button (to avoid another "incident").

But enough about my former job at Arthur Andersen - and the school of journalism building that followed it. Time to go Semisonic now because it's "Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Let's get back to getting "Lost" - shall we?

Since we last chatted up our beach-bound band of misfits, Shannon, Ana-Lucia and Libby have all (literally) bit the dust. I sure hope the survivors of Flight 815 found a bunch of "Dharma-brand caskets" down in that pantry of theirs - because the body count on Mystery Island is really starting to pile up!

Michael found boy ("Walt"). Then lost boy ("Walt"). Then found boy again ("Walt!!!"). Locke found his religion (sorry "TomKat," not Scientology ...um, I don't think). Lost his religion (sorry R.E.M.). Then found his religion again (still not Scientology, Travolta!).

Desmond came back on his boat (and on a drinking-binge to end all drinking binges) which sets up a nice flashback-homage to "Planet of The Apes" as he smashed his roommate's skull on the rocks of the nearby shore (Talk about your roommates from hell - I guess his roomie, Kelvin, must have been late with The Hatch rent-check or something!).

The only thing that was missing was a half-buried Statue of Liberty in the sand.

Kramer: "Hey, Elaine, you're pretty smart. Is it statue or statute-?"

Elaine: "It's STATUTE!"

Kramer: "Oh, no - I really think you're wrong!!!"

But the fact remains: There was a statue. A statue of a giant foot with four toes. Begging the question from Sayid: "Dude ...WTF???" (Translated from his native Iraqi tongue ...I think.)

Meanwhile, sitting on the dock of the bay, Jack, Kate and Sawyer were left as hostages of "The Others" while Hurley was told to "hit the bricks, pal, because you are going ...OUT!" Jack took that time, meanwhile, in his last moments of freedom to steal a page from Han Solo's playbook and blink to gal-pal, Kate: "I love you." Princess Kate blinked back in a coy fashion: "I know" as third-wheel Sawyer snarled off to the side in disgust (McEditor's note: Hey, back off man ...I'm a Communications major!).

So what does this all mean-? Oh, who the hell knows! All I know is that I'm on summer break, tanned, buzzed, and looking for my next Blue Moon Belgian Ale from our Tiki Bar waitress out here in... well, it really doesn't matter in "the grand scheme of things." I just hope that somebody remembers to come over and feed my Pet Rock, "Sprinkles," on a timely basis while I am away...

The only thing the season-finale of "Lost" has really shown me is that ...there is an actual "world" outside of "the island."

Meanwhile, I'm on holiday, sunning myself on some rock like Patty and Selma's beloved iguana, "Jug-Jug," and writing my baggy-pants farce/one-man play: "Wahoo's on First? A Comedy of Errors starring The Cleveland Indians!"

Coming soon ...to an abandoned hatch near you! (Dharma-brand buttered popcorn sold separately.)

Box Office Poison reviews "X-Men III: That's all they can stand, they can't stands no more!"

2006-05-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

The id and I - "X" marks the spot!

The film season shines down on "id island" again as the summer movie-machine spews out another "juggernaut" suitable for framing (and reviewing) - "X-Men III: The Last Stand."

The marvelous mutants are back with a vengeance for this third (and final?) installment of this comic book franchise with an extra chromosome. The premise: "A cure" is discovered for the mutants this time around and our friendly, sometimes furry, folk have to grapple with whether or not to "drink the Kool-Aid."

When we last left The X-Gang, mutant hottie Jean Grey got swept away in a wave of glory trying to save her friends (including boyfriend, Cyclops, and the the wolf she'd LIKE to find sleeping in her bed, Wolverine).

Cyclops is left alone in his room, sulking for his fallen sultry supergal, probably listening to old "Level 42" songs and drinking spare Heinekens he has on his nightstand (Beer: In case of emergency, break glass).

Meanwhile, on the other end of the mansion, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), Storm (Halle Berry) and Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) are left to pick up the pieces as their old fancy boy foe, Magneto (Ian McKellen), rants away - seeking to wage a war on humankind.

A lot of "new" characters are introduced, including "Angel" and "Juggernaut," along with "The Beast" (played with great delight by Kelsey Grammer who returns home to the mansion "where everybody knows his name...").

But it's Halle Berry as the stylish Storm - and Jackman as the snarling, sarcastic Wolverine - that bring "a touch of class ...and classlessness" to the third installment of this fabled comic franchise - and they are the mutant cornerstones that hold this fantasy foundation together.

When Jean Grey returns from the dead as "Dark Phoenix" the sexual chemistry between her character and Wolverine rages out of control ("There's no sex in your violence ...there's no sex in your violence ...THERE'S NO SEX IN YOUR VIOLENCE!") while Charles Xavier and Magneto produce their own amount of philosophical friction as they ping-pong back and forth between their own ethical mutant debate ("Everything Zen ...everything Zen-? I don't think so!").

Although I'm more of a "Green Lantern kind of guy" (McEditor's note: Why can't he make a river of green beer with that ring!), I find the story of "The X-Men" mostly entertaining, and engaging, enough. There's just something about misunderstood, misguided, mutants who are disgruntled and torn between using their odd powers for good - or evil - that fascinates me (but, keep in mind, I worked in the world of journalism for several years! My mutant name was: "Acid Tongue").

And thankfully, this time around, "the politics" are toned down a bit in "X-Men III" - as no one shackles the blue-haired Beast and imprisons his furry liberal ass down in Dick Cheney's "Democracy Dungeon" ...for simply wandering into a red state.

That being said, "X-Men III: The Last Stand" is a fun little romp through the realm of cinematic comic books, despite it's anti-climatic ending.

And it's quite a refreshing change of pace from that OTHER big box-office movie that has everyone talking about it's attempts to discredit and crush the Catholic church: "Mission Impossible III."

"X-Men III: The Last Stand" - Grade: B (For Beast-iality!)

Raiders of The Lost Snark

2006-05-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

"Comedy is something that can bring persecutors and tyrants to their knees." -- Mel Brooks

Not to go all "Alanis Morissette" on you, but ...Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, for an incredible season! It just shows you, Cleveland, what some "fresh blood and new ideas" can do for a sports franchise - and a town - as a whole.

It may not be as "artisitically stimulating" as street mimes doing somersaults through laser beams set to The Cleveland Orchestra, but LeBron James is an artist in his own way - and the basketball court is his canvas.

I guess that would make this blog a box of Crayola crayons!

Nevertheless, kudos to Dan Gilbert for bringing his deep pockets and commitment to winning to Cleveland. Why would LeBron James want to go anywhere else - when he, in fact, has brought the world ...to Cleveland.

New York City is the biggest media market in the world, yet the Knicks are in laughable shambles thanks to owner, James Dolan. Dolan, as owner of the Knicks, is solely responsible for bringing Larry Brown to ...to ...New ...York. Waitaminute.

James Dolan-? Dolan-??? Where have I heard that name before...?

SWEET MOTHER, there's another one out there! Don't I have my hands full as it is - tackling the owner of the Tribe, Larry Dolan, on a daily basis! Now you're telling me the owner of The Cleveland Indians has an "evil twin" running around somewhere in New York, too! (One twin is thrifty, the other twin throws money at problems, but both are equally inept in the world of sports ownership!)

It's just like that episode of the old "Spider-Man" cartoon - where those two rogue acrobats (turned jewel thieves) dressed up in black Spider-Man costumes to create "double the trouble" for our friendly neighborhood web-slinger - and they framed him for a bank robbery he didn't commit (Yeah - it's, um, just like that).

Well, Larry Dolan has stolen our Cleveland Indians - and I want them back! "Stop THIEF!" And while we're at it, hand over Coco Crisp, Brandon Phillips and Bob Howry, too, you masher!

I don't need "a roundtable of sports sycophants" to show and tell me how lucky we are that the Indians aren't The Kansas City Royals. Gee, there's a winning philosophy, Ziggy!

If I wanted to be sold "a bill of goods," I'd buy a Ford from Grady Sizemore.

Okay, well, I see my time for this session is up, and my therapist is coming over to sedate me now...

So where was I-? Oh, yes! Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, for the best sports season since the Indians went to The World Series - TWICE (under Dick Jacobs). Now if we could only trade Larry Dolan ...for cash.

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF WEB-RANTS: The Director of Public Relations for The Cleveland Indians joins our roundtable discussion as a "guest journalist" to "critique" the very team he works for - oh, no, wait. That would be just idiotic, wouldn't it...???

The id and I - "It's bananas!" (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

Nelson Muntz to Rasheed Wallace: "Ha-ha! You overextended yourself!" (LeBron James, Anderson Varejao and Co. make Purina Piston Chow out of Detroit!)

2006-05-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

"Wow!"

That's the only thing you can say as a Cleveland sports fan, isn't it-?

"Wow!"

LeBron James is "the James Bond of the NBA." Somehow, someway, despite all the odds - against ALL the odds - he finds a way to get the job done. And nobody does it better.

"Wow!"

How can this be happening in Cleveland-? Has my own personal Oceanic Flight 815 somehow strayed off course from Cuyahoga County and crashed on some eerie sports-purgatory island where dreams become reality-? Where LeBron flies through the Cleveland skyline like Superman soars high above Metropolis-?

In a town inhabited by so many shameless wannabes - isn't it refreshing to rejoice about a homegrown Ohio kid who actually has ...talent. "So dark the con of Cleveland man." But to say LeBron James has "talent" is like saying that Albert Einstein was "a great patent clerk who was really good at math."

The Cleveland Cavaliers have DEFIED all the odds - and the national media - by winning 3 games against the dominating Detroit Pistons. Can these scrappy, swashbuckling b-ballers make it 4 games to swipe the series away from The Motor City Mad Men-?

Well, when a Superman like LeBron James is watching over your hometown of Cleveland, anything is possible...

"Wow!"

Chris McVetta is a blogger who dabbles in sports commentary like Dan Brown dabbles in Da Vinci: Completely half-assed, yet oddly engaging!

The Cleveland Indians vs. The Kansas City Royals: Swept Away like Madonna's acting career!

2006-05-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

"Falling asleep at the wheel again, baby - You're drifting over the line (the line) - yeah! Your hands are tight but you're losing grip quickly. Fix me, can you read the signs-?"

So my beloved Cleveland Indians have just been swept by the lame Kansas City Royals - is there no justice in The Universe-?

Ah well, what is there left to say-? It's a sad state of affairs when the Indians have the talent that they do on their team - but there are few excuses that can be made for this sorry sight...

It's an exciting team: Grady Sizemore, Travis Hafner, Jhonny Peralta and Victor Martinez at the helm. Ben Broussard and Casey Blake have been playing with passion, which is a great thing.

But I'm sorry, kids, because I don't know how to solve this "X-Files" - as Scully and I swill beer from our hotel room out in Roswell in stunned disbelief.

Even C.C. Sabathia has - excuse the pun - "carried his weight" on this team since his triumphant return (and I'll be the first to admit that I have been critical of Sabathia here, but he has thankfully proven me wrong. Hand me the "Moron of the Millenium Award" - and I'll accept it graciously - and move on).

So, where do we go from here, as fans of The Tribe-? I simply don't know, folks. As Fox Mulder would often say: "I want to believe."

But the fact remains that this Tribe team is underachieving - and how anyone can fix a team with all this talent is a mystery still waiting to be solved...

"It ain't pretty - after the show. It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you - with no place to go. If you think you want it - here's the place to get it. But it ain't pretty..."

Box Office Poison Reviews "Mission Impossible 3: The Spy Who Loved Scientology"

2006-05-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

The id and I - "Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is ...to follow your dreams (This blog will self-destruct in 15 minutes)."

Well, the summer movie season kicked off this weekend with "Mission Impossible III" - and it's a semi-tired spy tale to say the least.

Sure, this time around, the third installment of this somewhat-troubled franchise is now being helmed by Hollywood golden boy, J.J. Abrams ("Lost," "Alias") - which is a definite plus. But the movie, despite it's dynamic thrills and spills, still manages to leave something to be desired by discriminating summer movie mavens.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman faces off with Ethan Hunt (Crusie) as the megalomaniac prototype "Bond villain with a brain stem." But despite the best efforts of this fine actor from Capote - his character is never fully developed in a desirable complex fashion (as opposed to the glorious Alan Rickman who played "Hans Gruber" in the original Die Hard franchise: "I am an exceptional theif, Mrs. McClane, and since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite...").

It's not Hoffman's fault - by any means - he just doesn't have a lot to work with here in regards to the screenplay. And, as any film buff knows, the best movies are defined by their villains (think Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor with Superman or Jack Nicholson as The Joker in the original Batman).

But be that as it may - J.J. Abrams does the best he can do with what he has to work with here. Unfortunately, by putting a "human spin" on Agent Ethan Hunt - it feels like Abrams is trying to fit an "Alias" square peg into a "Mission Impossible" hole (and fans of the TV show "Alias" know what I'm talking about here).

Yes, the action sequences in "M-I: III" are fast, fun and furious, no doubt. But Tom Cruise's off-the-set "escapades" make it too painful to watch at times as the film tries to paint him as a "caring family man." It feels like just another futile attempt to portray him as an actual human being capable of love with a beautiful actress in the limelight - and it doesn't work here (Art, again, imitating life).

Don't get me wrong: I like Tom Cruise as "an actor." When he's "an actor" in movies. A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire are two of my favorite films with Tom Cruise at the helm. But the "love scenes" in "M-I: III" just seem a bit like more "public relations Scientology spin" in lieu of an actual storyline.

That being said, do yourself a favor, and buy the first two seasons of "Alias" on DVD - and watch them on some rainy afternoon. Now that's damn good drama with a superspy kick starring Jennifer Garner and a fine ensemble cast ...worth dying for.

Other than that, the only "Mission Impossible" left is to try and figure out how Mark Shapiro is going to make The Cleveland Indians "a winner" on their limited Larry Dolan dime store budget - and compete in their division with The Chicago White Sox and The Detroit Tigers ("I'm back, baby ...I'M BACK!!!").

I still think back to last summer when local Cleveland writer, Peter Chakerian, and myself sat up in the stands of Jacob's Field and watched Grady Sizemore play ball firsthand. I still remember as we turned and looked at each other and stated about Sizemore with stunned astonishment: "Man, this kid is going to be GREAT!" Well before any local or national media even knew who "a Grady Sizemore" was...

But that's the cost of being wacky Cleveland visionaries: PRICELESS.

"What does it matter to ya-? When you got a job to do - You got to do it WELL. You gotta give the other fella ...HELL!"

Mission ...accomplished.

Mission Impossible III-? Grade: B-

"Suzy Kolber, I wanna kiss you!" (and other NFL "Draft Day" revelations)

2006-05-01T01:40:00.000-07:00

The id and I - "The little blog that could..."

So, excuse me, if I'm a little fuzzy right about now. I feel like the Jack Bauer of the sports world - spending the last 24 hours (x2 seasons) on the run. Starting with the Cavaliers and their magical leader, LeBron James, crushing the Washington Wizards on Friday night - and then off to an early NFL Draft Day party - over to The Indians at Jacob's Field on Saturday night - back for more Draft Day madness on "Day 2" with our beloved Cleveland Brownies - and wrapping it up with a "double-header" of another heaping helping of Cavs - and an ESPN Tribe game on Sunday night.

See, my eyes are bleeding orange and brown right about now from watching split screens of all the Cleveland sports action this weekend (I told you it was just like "24") at Alice Coopers'town and Panini's.

But I'm not complaining - it was a swinging good time (and I even found out from a friend that my last post concerning the filming of "Spider-Man 3" in Cleveland got picked up by a news service ...in Korea. Talk about the power of "the web."

First things first: What a refreshing change of professional pace to have "Day 2" of the 2006 NFL Draft hosted by the beautiful and talented Suzy Kolber. I prefer her so much better than the leadoff host, Chris Berman! Listening to Chris Berman is like getting your "sports commentary" from Fred Flintstone...

But Suzy Kolber and friends (Trey Wingo, Chris Mortensen, Ron Jaworski, Mike Tirico and Mel Kiper, Jr.) saved the day with their no-nonsense reporting, analysis and insight.

As far as the Cleveland Browns and their draft, I would give it an overall grade of: B. It's kind of hard to judge because they didn't go for the "flashy" players (they saved that for the outstanding job they did this year in free agency) - it was all much needed meat and potatoes this time around.

But it seems to me that they filled a lot of needs with quality defensive players like Kamerion Wimbley (Florida State) and D'Qwell Jackson (Maryland) - so I'm happy.

Outside of that, I have to save that I'm not a "fan" of Matt Leinart or USC football - but their college football program is simply amazing. That being said, I simply cannot believe that "bonehead" NFL teams like The Oakland Raiders and The Buffalo Bills passed on Leinart and Jay Cutler! What were they thinking-??? They are slumping organizations with quarterbacks like Aaron Brooks - and Kelly Holcomb and J.P. Losman, respectively. Their fans should be outraged!

Matt Leinart is going to be an amazing NFL quarterback - I don't care what kind of talent he had around him at USC! Um, does that mean that Carson Palmer is overrated, as well-? I don't think so, Skippy!

Leinart is going into a situation with one of the best young (and underrated) wide receivers in the league, Larry Fitzgerald. And - oh, by the way - Anquan Boldin and Edgerrin James don't hurt either! And save your tears for "poor" Kurt Warner - he's already won a Super Bowl after making the successful transition from stock boy to superstar...

Other than that, I'm keeping the faith with LeBron James and the Cavs. Their playoff series with The Wizards hasn't been pretty - but I am still confident that the wine and gold will get the job done.

And, yes, as a lot of you have mentioned to me, I HAVE noticed what an outstanding job first baseman, Ben Broussard, is doing this season with the Tribe. Our little "Baby Bono" is all grown up now - and having a fantastic season so far. "It's a beautiful day... don't let it get away!"

Other than that, my doctor has advised me against ranting about the Tribe (for now). So, like George Costanza: "I'm off bread."

With that, I'm going to get some much-needed sleep. Good night, Cleveland ...and good luck.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as "Blood Flows Red on The Death Trolley" and "Et tu, Brutus Buckeye-?"

2006-04-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

The id and I - Can't drive 55!

So seeing as we are about to be entering "Tiki Bar season" here on The McWeather Channel, I'll keep this post short - like the pitching career of Danny Graves.

I've said it before, I'll (sigh) say it again: Cliff Lee is THE BEST STARTING PITCHER on The Cleveland Indians right now (with or without C.C. Sabathia in the lineup). Not Jake Westbrook. Not Fausto Carmona. But, yes, Cliff Lee - So I'm sorry if you don't feel I'm "qualified" to say that. But I don't have the time nor the patience to fly around in a traffic helicopter for the next 15 years of my life to prove the point...

KRAMER: "The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus!"

JERRY SEINFELD: "Wow."

GEORGE COSTANZA: "You're Batman!"

KRAMER: "Yeah, yeah - I am Batman! Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."

JERRY: "You kept making all the stops-?"

KRAMER: "Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

Speaking of, what the hell is going on in downtown Cleveland-? Some guy gets attacked on one of these new trolleys and the "crackhead media" shows the footage about fifty times or so on the nightly local news-? Yeah, I know, I was a media major at CSU (Concrete State University) - so I know "The Golden Rule" of broadcasting: "If it bleeds, it leads." But even I thought that footage was excessive and unnecessary! And I watch The Shield!

Then you get the atypical "corporate goon" with his "Wink Martindale smile" (Go ahead and Google, "Wink Martindale," kids!) telling everyone that the trolleys are truly safe because they are all equipped with these cameras on board - you know, the cameras that captured the first stabbing on tape and was replayed to us over and over again.

Gee, that makes me feel so much better! At least when I have a butcher's knife sticking out of the side of my neck ...it will be caught on tape. Maybe the RTA can put the picture of my "little trolley adventure" in a Cedar Point keepsake locket for me, so I can cherish and remember it forever.

I understand that there is crime and violence in every city - but don't "play if off" like it's no big deal by putting your stupid "Ryan Seacrest Let's Get Happy Spin" on it.

It's enough to make me want to grab my TIVO and cooler of Blue Moon Belgian Ale and go live in a cave somewhere...

Speaking of TIVO, I just watched the 2-hour return of Alias - and it kicked ass! Jennifer Garner and company were back in a big way, including her double-agent TV mom, Lena Olin, who was smoking! What other show could produce lines like the one Victor Garber uttered to his daughter, Sydney, as he hands her a gun: "Cover your mother. And if she tries anything ...shoot her."

Finally, unless you have been living in a cave, the NFL Draft is on the way - and The Cleveland Browns are on the clock! I'd like to see The Brownies draft Chad Greenway (LB, Iowa) with their #12 pick. Obviously, A.J. Hawk from THE Ohio State University would be THE favorite choice for Cleveland fans - but it would cost too much to trade up for him, and the Browns have too many needs. But, you never know...

That being said, I wouldn't mind at all if they drafted Santonio Holmes, the wide receiver from OSU. Even though the Browns need defense desperately, and wide reciever is the last position they need to draft (again), I can't help but believe that Santonio Holmes is going to be a shining superstar in the NFL.

Oh yeah - did I happen to mention that LeBron is da bomb-? Go CAVS!! (And happy Earth Day!) Now, if you will excuse me, I think I hear my trolley coming...

The Last Temptation of Chris

2006-04-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

"I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier..."

So, I'd just like to take a few moments and wish anybody and everybody a happy holiday! Although I'm sure there are a potpourri of different "beliefs" amongst my core group of readers, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on my own family, our religious convinctions, and how we, as a McFamily, celebrated this holiday weekend...

Got the family together to participate in our pre-holiday "religious customs." After consulting with our beloved and trusted family witch doctor down at our local parish, we are strongly advised to sacrifice a virgin, by tossing her into a volcano to "appease a vengeful god," Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld (the Notorious General S.O.D.).

We enjoy a pre-brunch celebration and luncheon by discussing some spirited "science vs. faith" issues of the day, including my strong belief that, "Gravity, schmavity! The Earth is flat, and we all know it! Now please pass the tater tots..."

After we paste some leeches on my sickly supermodel sister to cure her bulemia, we are off to recreate The Immaculate Conception - we kidnap Kellie Pickler, an American Idol contestant, and impregnate her with Barry Manilow's love child, successfully completing the "final task" of our Scientology Scavenger Hunt!

Read some passages and sing some hymns from "The Good Book" - the good book being "The Da Vinci Code." (If our good book doesn't make The New York Times' Bestseller List, or Tom Hanks isn't starring in it, we ain't buying it!)

Watch repeated viewings of our favorite religious movie, The Lord of The Rings, with hushed anticipation - and jubilation - as Gandalf the Grey ressurects into Gandalf the White Wizard!

Shall scream out "The New Testament" feverishly from The King LeBron James Bible: "Thou Shall Not Showboat - Unless The Game Is On The Line - Then Take The Damn Shot!"

Finally, we enjoy a scrumptious holiday feast as a family ...down at the Wal-Mart food court ...before "passing over" into The Electronics Department for big, BIG savings.

The id and I - Chicken Soup for The Satirical Soul.

"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight - Losing my religion. Trying to keep up with you. And I don't know if I can do it. Oh no, I've said too much. I haven't said enough..."

Sorry, Charlie! But I just found a Golden Ticket in my "Pronk Candy Bar" ('Cause I ain't no holla back blog! I ain't no holla back blog!)

2006-04-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

The id and I - Donald Trump says we're going to be a big success ("Now, go on, get out of here - go - out!")

So I was watching The Sports Time Ohio Network the other day - the night the lights went out in Tribe Town. And, sure, I thought the same thing you were all thinking: If Larry Dolan can remember to pay Grady Sizemore and Jhonny Peralta - then why can't he remember to pay his own electric bill-???

But I'm sure there was a very logical explanation for the STO Death Star's power outage - like the Ewoks blew it up or something. But, thankfully, the power came back on and the show did go on. I have nothing against STO - it's pretty good so far (at least until they raise the rates on my cable bill).

I just got some extra time during the blackout to gather my thoughts and think about how time marches on: Grady Sizemore has become the "new" Kenny Lofton, Jhonny Peralta is the next Omar Vizquel, Victor Martinez is filling the rather large shoes of Sandy Alomar, and Travis Hafner looks like the long-lost son of our hometown hero, Jim Thome.

I fondly remember standing on the steps of the work-in-progress known only as Jacob's Field during my stint as sports editor for my college newspaper at Cleveland State University - and how I felt like John Locke discovering the mysterious "hatch" on Lost for the very first time... what is this thing-?

But I'm still not sure about my own future in the Cleveland Universe, however - am I next Conan O'Brien-? The next Mitch Albom-? Just some schmoe with a blog-? Or the next "Super Host" in a long line of multimedia Ziggy's-??? Maybe all or none of the above...

I really can't blame The Cleveland Indians and their owner for trying to make a(nother) buck - I'm just as shameless as they are in a lot of ways.

I've recently added some Google ads to my beloved blog, which I'm sure is causing "The Bubble Boy" from Seinfeld to turn over in his bubble and shout out: "What a sell-out!"

But I'm not cut out for the "working world" - in the conventional dollars and sense. I've tried to get a "grown-up" job over the years and it just never seemed to work out. I remember interviewing with Liggett-Stashower a few years back as an advertising copywriter. When the creative director asked me about advertisements that I liked best, I enthusiastically responded: "The Sports Center ones from ESPN - those are great! Just absolutely brilliant in my mind! The blending of comedy with self-deprecating humor that turned their anchors into clever cartoonish characters on the small screen was pure genius..."

And that's when the creative director just sort of rolled his eyes and sighed: "Well, that's all well and good on a larger landscape - but we're looking for ideas that hit their target on a local level. You know, stuff that resonates with the people of Cleveland. Things like the jingles used for Schwebel's bread or Ruggle's ice cream... stuff like that."

With that, I packed up "my stuff," thanked "the man" for "the opportunity," and proceeded on my merry way. I knew then and there that if I was ever going to do anything in this town, that I was going to have to do it my way ...or no way at all (quote the Loverboy nevermore).

So, here I go (again) - on my own. Going down the only road I've ever know. Like a moth to the flame - like a banker to The Barenaked Ladies' concert at Blossom. Back to the future, I sit and ponder what to do to get my comedy flux capacitor back in gear.

Sure, I could add one of those "tip jars" to my blog - but those just seem to be the 21st century equivalent of a "cyber-panhandler" (not that there's anything wrong with that!). But it just doesn't seem right (for me, at least) - it feels too much like that homeless guy who stands underneath the digital clock at Huntington Bank begging for money before he calls it a day - and probably heads home to his estate in Pepper Pike and large-screen Plasma TV - to count his change.

So, instead, I sell my soul to Google and tell my readers: "It puts the Google ads on it's skin, or it gets the hose again!!!"

I guess the bottom line is this: It's not about the money. Sure, I like capitalism as much as the next guy. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to roll around in a big pile of green money to entertain the masses. But, honestly, I just enjoy the art of writing and comedy. Whether it's sitting around with my friends at a local sports bar, drinking and laughing about the everyday absurdities of our world - or on a slightly larger level. As long as I can pay my bar bill at the end of the night, and I don't end up living under a bridge, eating discarded fishbones off the lid of a garbage can like Sylvester the Cat, it's all good with me!

But, on the other hand, while playing this pointless game of Cleveland Chutes N' Ladders - I don't intend to end up stuck in the Butterscotch Swamp as I navigate my way through this Cuyahoga Candy Land of Doom (tm)...

At this time, a lot of "media people" I know would probably be wise to step in front of one of those new Cleveland trolleys and wait to get knocked into tomorrow - and the last thing they would see is a banner for The Great Lakes Brewing Co. coming at them, sternly stating: "HOLY MOSES! DRINK OUR FRESHLY-BREWED BELGIAN ALE RESPONSIBLY - AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE!"

But that's not me - I enjoy my life too much (on every level). And that includes writing as well.

So, in my marvelous world, I choose to let my imagination do all the work - and let things come to me. In my Marvel Universe, I have faith that Travis Hafner would "Hulk out" at the last minute and toss that Cleveland trolley out of the way before it turns me into ranting road kill.

McMe: "Travis Hafner! You - you saved my life!"

TRAVIS HAFNER: "Pronk smash puny humans - and their tiny trolleys! PRONK SMASH!!!"

McMe: "Oh, Incredible Pronk - how can I ever repay you-?"

TRAVIS HAFNER: "Pronk no like Larry Dolan jokes - make Pronk angry! Fill Pronk with rage! You make Larry Dolan jokes no more!"

McMe: "Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever, dude!"

And, with that, I imagine "The Incredible Pronk" would bounce off into the Cleveland skyline - leaving me to, once again, gather my thoughts and assess my place in The Universe.

Hey, what can I say-? It's a living! (Thanks for stopping by The id and I! We thank you for your patronage!)

"I knew you - before the west was won. And I, heard you - say the past was much more fun! You go your way, I go mine - but I'll see you next time. It's all been done! Woo hoo hoo! It's all been done! Woo hoo hoo! It's all been done - before..."

Hey, Food Network Fascists! Guess what-? You just GOT SERVED! (Or, um, what flatware goes best with Chief Wahoo?)

2006-04-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

The id and I - The Food Network can kiss my grits!

So, recently, I find I can no longer talk about sports with people. And why-? Because everyone is just so damn infatuated with this Food Network of theirs, that's why!

"So," I begin innocently enough, "how about that Tribe-? Red hot, aren't they-? And, hey, how about that LeBron James, huh-? And those Cleveland Browns aren't too shabby either - you know what I'm saying?"

And then the ugliness begins: "Eh, yeah, I guess," a colleague of mine will shrug. "I haven't really been paying attention to them all that much. I spend most of my free time watching The Food Network..."

And that's when my face suddenly turns as white as my ass, just like Oprah must have felt after finding out that her beloved fallen idol, James Frey, was a sham - and my soul quietly shatters into a million little pieces.

"How's that again-?" I stammer, clutching my heart like Fred Sanford, as my male co-worker suddenly looks at me like I'm a modern-day Fred Flintstone who just punched out at Mr. Slate's rock quarry for the day, with my stone-tablet timecard clutched tightly in my neanderthal-like hand.

"The Food Network," he explains further. "I can't get enough of it! You really should check it out, Chris. It can really teach you alot about cooking-"

And that's when I pause, all dazed and confused. What do I need to know about cooking-? I mean, there is this amazing new invention, after all - I think it's called: THE MICROWAVE.

And then my male co-worker, realizing my pathetic plight, starts to talk down to me like the single guy simpleton that I am - with Chef Boyardee for brains. "You really need to learn how to cook, Chris-"

He then proceeds to babble on and on about "The Greatness" that is The Food Network - going into great detail about his favorite shows like "Cooking with Stuff," "Your Utensils and You" and, finally, "Take a Wok on The Wild Side."

So, being beat into submission like a sap, I reluctantly go home and turn on this "Food Network" of his to watch the poster-child for anti-famine feminism, Rachael Ray. If The Food Network Nerds were Trekkies, I'm guessing Rachael Ray would be their "Mr. Spock."

I still don't understand why I'm supposed to burn my Brady Quinn Notre Dame jersey and follow this woman to the bitter ends of the earth-? Why do I need to know how to cook, I wonder, when I can simply tap "Big Al" from Happy Days on the shoulder at the local supermarket and he'll nod sympathetically towards me, holding up his Encore Family-Size portions of salisbury steaks, and whisper reassuringly in my ear: "I'll be over for dinner around six."

So I sit and listen to this woman go on and on about the profuse importance of parsley. But how am I supposed to let this sultry chef into my life - when she won't even let anyone into her kitchen-??? I mean, does she live in there or something-? I don't even see any other doors that lead into other rooms in her television house. I think even Bert and Ernie adjourned to other rooms of their home on occassion!

But on and on she goes, mixing, sifting and stirring. And, yet, I find myself unable to open those Food Network freezer doors with her - afraid the only "missing ingredients" I might find in there ...are severed human heads.

Back to my male co-worker whose voice appears out of nowhere like Obi-Wan Kenobi: "You really do need to learn how to cook, Chris, if you want to impress a woman."

I'm sorry, but the last SERIOUS relationship I had with a woman ended badly - and that woman's name was ...Ms. Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man was the "Gloria Steinem of the video game world" and she asserted her independence by flaunting her pink bow of feminism over the ghosts, "Inky, Blinky, Pinky ...and Clyde" - leaving her ex-husband, Pac-Man, to fend for himself - and die alone, broken and hungry, in the neon-blue gutter.

Ms. Pac-Man didn't NEED a man to cook for her - oh, no! She was a "modern woman" who could "pay for her own meals" by gobbling up those delicious bonus points disguised as fruits, pretzels and other assorted snacks. You go, girl!

Sure, Ms. Pac-Man probably opened the door for Hillary Clinton, but where did that leave her fella, Pac-Man-? I'll tell you where it left him: Bitter and alone, probably getting drunk every night and listening to old "Level 42" songs - that's where!

That's why I always eat out, now, and let my friends throw the dinner parties. After all, the last "dinner party" I threw was catered by Buffalo Wild Wings - and, oddly enough, it didn't seem to go over very well with my snooty guests. Go figure!

So, you'll excuse me if I don't jump on this whole Food Network bandwagon - I'll just call Domino's and have The Noid over for dinner instead.

Bon Appetit, Blinky!

Opening Day 2006 for The Cleveland Indians: Or is it too late to trade C.C. Sabathia - to Sea World?

2006-04-07T01:38:00.000-07:00

The id and I - It's kind of like Nashville - with a tan.

Opening Day 2006 for The Cleveland Indians is here! Mike and Mike in The Morning from ESPN 2 will be broadcasting live at Pickwick and Frolick - who says nobody wants to come to Cleveland-???

Let's set this thing right: I think C.C. Sabathia is an extremely talented baseball player. He has all the ability to be a superstar in this league. But coming from this blogging guy who likes to eat, drink and be merry, I can say this: C.C. Sabathia needs to get in shape. The difference between him and me is that C.C. is getting paid millions of dollars to play the game of baseball - and I do not (although it wouldn't hurt me to pick up an Ab-Cruncher once in a while, as well, folks).

Everyone involved with The Cleveland Indians - and their organization - needs to address this and stop tap-dancing around the issue: C.C. Sabathia is out of shape and it is hurting his game.

I could care less about his off-center baseball cap or his bling. But, as a baseball fan, C.C. Sabathia needs to start getting involved in some off-season conditioning to improve upon the talent he already does possess. It's just that simple!

Baseball players are supposed to "let themselves go" after their careers are over - not during the height of it. So, come on, C.C. - Cleveland loves you! Get your act together and show us what you can do while you are still young enough to live up to your potential! You owe yourself - as well as the loyal Tribe fans - nothing less.

In other news, I actually have Sportstime Ohio on my cable system - finally! And although, I'm sure, The Cleveland Indians are giving themselves the "self-congratulatory corporate reach-around" in regards to their new Death Star, I have to say this, going all Darth Vader on you: "Don't be too proud of this TECHNOLOGICAL TERROR you have created, commander! The power to destroy a (FOX Sports Net) is nothing compared to the power of The Force."

So, hurry up and get well, C.C. - Cleveland needs you back in the lineup to win a championship. Hey, man - if Kirstie Alley can do it ...then so can you. Go Tribe!

The 2006 Cleveland Browns NFL schedule: The Big Easy or Taking a Big Bite out of McGruff The Crime Dawg's Ass-???

2006-04-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

So, the 2006 NFL league schedule for The Cleveland Browns was released today, and here it is courtesy of some superior investigating reporting on my part (in other words, I swiped it from Yahoo! sports):

Sept. 10 New Orleans, 1 p.m.
Sept. 17 at Cincinnati, 1 p.m.
Sept. 24 Baltimore, 4:05 p.m.
Oct. 1 at Oakland, 4:15 p.m.
Oct. 8 at Carolina, 1 p.m.
Oct. 15 BYE
Oct. 22 Denver, 4:05 p.m.
Oct. 29 New York Jets, 4:15 p.m.
Nov. 5 at San Diego, 4:15 p.m.
Nov. 12 at Atlanta, 1 p.m.
Nov. 19 Pittsburgh, 1 p.m.
Nov. 26 Cincinnati, 1 p.m.
Dec. 3 Kansas City, 1 p.m.
Dec. 7 at Pittsburgh, 8 p.m.
Dec. 17 at Baltimore, 1 p.m.
Dec. 24 Tampa Bay, 1 p.m.
Dec. 31 at Houston, 1 p.m.

Okay, it's not a bad schedule, as our beloved Cleveland Brownies are taking on some interesting adversaries. But I just have one BIG question: How is it that the Browns are excluded from the Monday Night Football festivities-???

Now, granted, most SANE people would be happy to be as far away from Joe Theismann as possible (how this obnoxious know-nothing blowhard won an Emmy Award is still one of The X-Files that I will never truly solve... Now he's a commentator on Monday Night Football - oh, the humanity! Somebody make the bad man stop!!!).

And, it is completely reasonable to understand that the Browns did not have the best overall record (6-10) last season - but still! The other NFL teams that "made the cut" are absurd: The Oakland Raiders, The Minnesota Vikings (now without Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss, mind you!), The Green Bay Packers - TWICE!!! (with or without the waffling Brett Favre they're still going to blow) and (gulp) ...The Arizona Cardinals!

Even the inept New Orleans Saints are on Monday Night Football this season! (Which is obviously a pity nod to them, but after all that city has been subjected to this last year, the people of New Orleans deserve it - and the NFL nation will welcome it.)

And even the dreaded Baltimore Ravens are on the Monday Night Football schedule - how did this happen? Need I remind everyone out there in "NFL land" that the woeful Ravens also finished a humbling (6-10) record last season, as well - and their final loss of the season came at the hands of The Cleveland Browns!

The Cleveland Browns are on the upswing - they have an exciting new management/coaching staff with Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel. They have even more exciting possibilites with talent like Charlie Frye, Braylon Edwards, Joe Jurevicius, Willie McGinest and (hopefully) Kellen Winslow, Jr. So, NFL, what's not to love-?

The Cleveland Browns had one of the BEST free-agency signings this off-season in all of the National Football League - and they haven't even made their mark in this April's NFL draft yet!

The Arizona Cardinals-???

So, puh-leaze, Mr. NFL/MNF schedule-makers (to quote an old Irish McProverb): "Don't piss in my face and tell me it's raining!"

The Cleveland Browns have faithful fans and devoted followers across the nation that deserve better than this - and they should be outraged by this slap in the face, as well.

Okay, I'm "over it" like Hurley is over "Dharma Initiative Peanut Butter" - Forget it, it's a Lost thing. So, yeah, anyway - Go Browns!

Big Pimpin' on ESPN for The Notorious W.A.H.O.O. (Or a Scooby-Snack for me and you!)

2006-03-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

The id and I - Just like Barry Bond's blog - on steroids!

Opening Day for major league baseball is right around the corner here in Cleveland as The Indians face their major nemesis, The Chicago White Sox, on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball.

Well, at least I'll get to see one Tribe game on TV this season.

Oh, relax. I'm not going to make anymore Larry Dolan jokes ...today. After all, The Cleveland Indians just signed Grady Sizemore to a long-term deal and I couldn't be happier! As Kramer would say about his own malfunctioning corporation, Kramerica:

JERRY SEINFELD: "Say, let me ask you something, Kramer. What exactly do you DO all day down at that office of yours-?"

KRAMER: "T.C.B. - Taking care of business!"

The Indians have done the right thing by signing future superstars, Jhonny Peralta and Grady Sizemore, to long-term Cleveland contracts - but I still want s'mores. We need to get Cliff Lee to "sign on the line which is dotted" as well.

And even though it appears C. C. Sabathia and I share the same "workout regiment" - I truly believe that Cliff Lee is the best pitcher the Tribe do possess at the moment. Sign "Buddy Lee" to a long-term contract - he's going to deserve it!

On a more sour note, we are 15 minutes into "Day 1" of The Barry Bonds - um, I mean baseball - investigation on steroids ...and I'm already sick of it! Look, this isn't some "GNC Da Vinci Code" - it doesn't even take Angela Lansbury to figure out this mystery: IF Barry Bonds used steroids, then his stats are indeed tainted - and it's not fair to the baseball greats that have come and gone before him. It's like debating whether or not Bill Clinton "inhaled" - what the hell is the point-?

Sure, it needs to be dealt with - but I don't need a "feeding frenzy" provided by the mainstream sports media to beat me over the head with these rumors and accusations on a 24/7 Jack Bauer basis - I just need facts.

The media is turning Barry Bonds into "the Paris Hilton of baseball" - and I just don't care anymore. I just want to enjoy baseball, the current crop of Cleveland Indians, and wait for the summer breeze to wash me away to my happy place for the next couple of months - complete with my friends and a cooler full of Blue Moon Belgian Ale by my side.

I'll save my energies for cracking the universal codes on Lost - and whether or not The Green Lantern can use that green power ring of his to whip me up a batch of emerald beer.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy creating my own "Scooby-Doo" mysteries on a limited basis. Someone needs to update those old "Scooby-Doo" movies - and I believe I'm just the man for the job!

Sure, it was great fun as a kid to see Davy Jones unmask the villains at the end of every movie and hear these words:

THE SCOOBY-DOO GANG: "Davy Jones-?!? What are YOU doing here-?"

DAVY JONES: "Hello, kids! How are you-? And my, Velma, you're looking fit!"

SHAGGY: "Like, Zoinks, Mr. Jones - we're, like, just groovy. But aren't you busy touring with The Monkees-?"

DAVY JONES: "Well, as luck would have it, I was just in your neck of the woods visiting The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when I stumbled upon this Snow Ghost fellow terrorizing Cedar Point in Sandusky - and I thought it would be quite quaint to help crack this case of yours-"

But, just like Cleveland, we need to constantly UPDATE and RE-INVENT ourselves as citizens of our fair city on the shores of The Cuyahoga...

That's why I'd like to see a NEW "Scooby-Doo" mystery: Grady Sizemore, Sandy Duncan and The All-American Rejects meet The Taffy Factory Phantoms!

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS: "Well, kids, we'll let you in on our Dirty Little Secret ...these Phantoms aren't ghosts at all!"

GRADY SIZEMORE: "I knew it all along!"

FREDDY: "Gosh, Grady - it looks like you and Sandy Duncan got it right! I guess we owe you a debt of thanks for solving this mystery!"

GRADY SIZEMORE: "Aw, shucks - it was nothing!"

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS: "You know - we helped too. And if it wasn't for the fact that The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were still too obscure, they might have solved this little caper just as easily!"

SANDY DUNCAN (Getting jiggy with it): "Now let's unmask these trio of so-called Phantoms and see who they REALLY are!"

THE SCOOBY-DOO GANG: "It's U2's Bono ...and The Edge ...and (gasping) Ben Broussard! But why-???"

BONO (Sighing): "I thought if we haunted Malley's Chocolates in Cleveland, and scared up some interest in us, we might regain a little more of our dignity that we lost in the last several years by selling out to iTunes..."

EDGE (Sighs): "We foolishly believed the hype surrounding Coldplay - everyone said that they were the NEW U2 - just like Oasis was supposed to be the new Beatles - but that's the liberal media for you!"

BEN BROUSSARD: "And I just followed U2 to the ends of the earth in order to promote my own band at The House of Blues - I was wrong. You crazy kids have shown me the light! From this point forward, I VOW to live up to my talent and be the best first baseman that I can be!"

DAPHNE: "Okay, gang, it looks like we all learned something here today!"

VELMA: "Well, I just have one more question: Does anyone else here think that Rachael Ray on The Food Network is as totally wicked hot as I do-? I mean, in a Judy Jetson sort of way..."

DAPHNE: "Oh, Velma - You're such a BLUE STATE!"

ALL LAUGH. FADE OUT.

So, Cleveland, I'm the man in the box. Get out and support YOUR Cleveland Indians - They are on national television this Sunday night! Go Tribe - and next year the Tribe home-opener will be held right here at Jacob's Field - The crown jewel of Cleveland!

NEXT EPISODE: Tim Conway and The Arctic Monkeys meet The Creeper on Myspace.com.

Who's Your Paddy-?

2006-03-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

The id and I - Kegs, green eggs ...and a ham.

In case you've been living under a shamrock or something, then you probably know we are rapidly approaching my favorite holiday of the year - St. Patrick's Day!!!

Some people might say that St. Paddy's Day is just a "Martin Luther King Day ...for drunks." But I beg to differ - St. Patrick's Day is just not some Hallmark-subsidized psuedo-holiday for amateur alcoholics. St. Paddy's Day is a fine tradition that brings out the social interaction and community fabric in a way no other holiday dares to do so (In other words, it's okay to get a little inebriated and hug strangers - even if you end up looking like Paula Abdul from American Idol after "a long day at the office" - if you catch my drift).

This is my favorite time of year in Cleveland, outside of opening day at Jacob's Field (soon to renamed "A-B-C Check Cashing Field," I'm sure). It's one of the few times here in town that brings Clevelanders together - east, west, north and south - and makes us feel good about ourselves for a day, as a community.

And you can talk all you want about how Cleveland "tries too hard" to be like other towns - but I don't want to hear it, Chester! Chicago has to dump food coloring into their river every St. Paddy's Day to turn it green - but we here in Cleveland already have a Cuyahoga river that is naturally green every single day of the year. Take that, Chicago!

And, sure, the parade route is moving this year (unlike every other year) from Eucild to Superior Avenue - but I don't care if I have to go all "Jack Bauer" on everybody's asses, the parade party route on Euclid Avenue - and, more importantly, 24 hours of March Madness - will go on! (I will not - REPEAT - will not abandon my favorite St. Paddy's Day hangouts in their dire hour of need!).

No Rascal House-? No Flannery's-? No Panini's at E. 9th street outside the Jake-? No Otto Moser's-??? I won't have it people! Erin go ...blah.

The St. Patrick's Day parade in Cleveland without Otto Moser's is like sex without the orgasm...

And with all apologies to that ass-kissing "Inside The Actor's Studio" guy, I hope I don't have to go "all Kiefer Sutherland" - and talk really loud and really fast - with the Cleveland clock ticking in the background:

"MY NAME IS CHRIS MCVETTA. I'M A FEDERAL AGENT OF FUN. I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY BUT I'M WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO GET THIS PARADE ROUTE BACK ON TRACK. NOW PUT THE GREEN BEER DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE AU BON PAIN!!!"

So, will some in the local media keep try to put "a positive spin" on this new Superior Avenue St. Paddy's Day parade because it's "good for Cleveland"-? Perhaps. But, as always, don't expect me to go along for the ride...

To quote Jack Bauer: "Let me make something perfectly clear: I DON'T WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

And now for my next trick, Ladies and Gents: Watch me pull Joe Jurevicius out of a hat!

2006-03-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

"I'm in the sky tonight. There I can keep by your side. Watching the wide world riot and hiding out - I'll be coming home next year..."

YES! The Cleveland Browns have signed wide receiver, Joe Jurevicius, to a multi-year deal bringing our hometown boy back to his roots in the rock n' roll city!

Thank you to Randy Lerner, Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel for finally getting this orange and brown ship headed in the right direction after all those painful "rebuilding" years. Jurevicius is a true NFL player and will be a welcome addition to an often-beleaguered wide receiving tandem.

According to Yahoo! sports:

"This is where it all started for me," said Jurevicius. "I had opportunities to go to a couple different places. First and foremost, I wanted to become a Cleveland Brown, put on the orange helmet, play in front of Lake Erie and enjoy the feelings. This is going to add years to my career because of excitement that comes along with it."

The Browns added frosting to the Cleveland cake by signing LeCharles Bentley, one of the most coveted centers in free agency this year.

"I can die happy now," said Bentley, who wore a Browns jersey under his sports coat. "This has been my dream."

After years of toiling under Butch Davis (and his frightful Death Star regime) that seemingly dismantled the woe-is-me Cleveland Browns, these two top-notch players are a welcome addition - and a positive sign of things to come for our beloved Cleveland Browns.

Butch Davis was an insecure egomaniac who (as a destructive one-man force) was manic enough to make any true-blue Brownie the Elf fan leap out of the stands of the Dawg Pound like Crazy Joe Davola from "Seinfeld" screaming: "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!!!"

George Costanza: "Hey, what does that mean, anyway-?"

Jerry Seinfeld: "It means - Death to tyrants."

George Costanza: "Yeah - I could see that."

So, this is for all the naysayers out there, who don't "get" current General Manager, Phil Savage, because he wears a baseball cap with a sports coat. And why-? Because Phil Savage is a free-wheeling free spirit who also happens to dress like a devilish rogue-??? A sports coat worn with a baseball cap-?!? Why, (GASP!) it must be the last sign of The Apocalypse!!!

Well, we here at The id and I have praised Joe Jurevicius as a football player from the very start - and for all the naysayers who want to still bash Phil Savage ("The North Coast Ron Howard"), I humbly suggest you crawl back into the tar pits from whence you came and wait to be cast in "Jurassic Journalists 4: Back to the Quagmire." (Come on in and join me, folks - the tar feels just fine! Believe me, I'm no wave of the future either - and when the giant asteroid hits the earth, this big mouth with a blog will be washed away with the rest of the fossils).

And, no, I'm not bashing old people. Some older people are actually quite productive and spry - just look at Yoda!

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to fix myself a little lunch: I'll be stepping into the kitchen where I will proceed to turn water into wine - and bread into fish. Or not - I'm just kind of a jackass that way!

Otherwise, here's a Hoegaarden toast to Joe Jurevicius and LeCharles Bentley - Welcome home, boys!!! (Now, if Phil Savage and company could somehow trade up to draft A. J. Hawk, they would truly walk on water in MY book!).

The id and I - The Last Temptation of Chris

Dr. Doom's Stock Picks for Dummies (tm): Or How Sirius Killed The Radio Star

2006-03-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

"Everyone knows the answers to life's problems can't be found at the bottom of a bottle - they're found on TV!" -- Homer Simpson

Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches - Comparing David Lee Roth to Howard Stern is like comparing the film "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" to episodes of "Parker Lewis (Can't Lose)."

And it seems like David Lee Roth took a "bit of a tumble" today when it was announced that he and his nationally syndicated radio show (that replaced Howard Stern) would take a "hiatus" for a week - or so. One down - two to go. Might as well jump - Go ahead and jump!

Now, I have to be honest here - I am not really a Howard Stern fan. So I couldn't care less who wins these "talk-radio wars" as long as Sirius Satellite Radio comes out on top. The only time I listen to free FM radio is while driving in my car - and when I do I want to hear music, not Clear Channel "corporate chatter."

It's nothing personal - The only connection I have to local radio here in Cleveland is when my friends snuck me into a nightclub at the tender age of 16 many moons ago, and I won a karaoke contest hosted - and judged - by local morning radio schlock jock, John Lanigan (I belted out the winning tune, "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis and The News to the "shock and awe" of many drunks in the crowd - and melted Mr. Lanigan's icy heart in the process. Or not. Hey, maybe it wasn't "American Idol" - but I was still ahead of my time - and it won me 5 free drink tickets for my friends in the process).

But let's get back to the future, shall we - and the future is Sirius Satellite Radio (if not satellite radio altogether). I get my news from Yahoo! and the Internet. I get my "fake" news analysis from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I get my entertainment from cable TV (if not "Lost" on ABC - then from "The Shield" on FX) - but where do we get our music-?

Right now, it looks like iPods or iTunes is the wave of the future - but I'm betting that satellite radio takes a bite out of Clear Channel crime too. And that's why I am putting my money where my mouth is - on Sirius.

To be honest, I never knew a lot about stocks. As a kid growing up, the only thing I knew about the stock market is what Alex P. Keaton taught me - as well as his liberal-hippie parents - about it on "Family Ties." NOW, it's "Mad Money w/Jim Cramer" on CNBC.

But the more I look at the future, the more I get worried that my generation is going to be living in a refrigerator box - a refrigerator box with a big "falling prices" smiley face on the side of it subsidized by Wal-Mart.

I don't make a lot of money - but the little I do make I invest (and not all of it in Belgian ale). I don't have a stockbroker - my only stockbrocker is me, my shadow and Sharebuilder.com.

So when I heard that The Cleveland Indians were starting their own "sports network" - I rushed out to buy shares of Buffalo Wild Wings (BWLD). Well, not rushed out - I bought them from my computer in my living room, but you get the point.

I know that Larry Dolan and The Indians want me to fork over an extra $1.50 to $2.00 to PAY for this network of theirs - raising my BASIC cable bill to almost $50.00/month. This is AFTER, of course, I call my local cable company to ask that they add this new "Sports Time Network" to my cable line-up. Hey, Mr. Dolan - Why don't I just go up on my roof, install a satellite dish MYSELF - and then send you a check for that while I'm at it-???

Can I go "all Sally Struthers on you" and sponsor a Cleveland Indians' player too-??? For just an extra 30 cents a day - will that buy enough rice to feed Grady Sizemore down in Winterhaven for a month-?

I don't think so - I'm not asking for Tribe TV - and neither should you. It may be "good business" on their part - but it looks like "shameless greed" on this end. But, hey, that's the wave of the future - Pay-Per-View sports is coming! And when it does - I want to hold stocks in a place where people will flock to watch all of their sports events for FREE ...at BW-3.

Hey, I'm not a Socialist - I enjoy a free market as much as the next guy, whether it be Bud Fox or Gordon Gekko. So it's up to you, as the little guy or gal out there, to do whatever YOU can to survive and make an extra buck or two. Trix are for kids - and so are my stock picks. So do the homework yourself, silly rabbit - and proceed at your own risk.

As far of the future of satellite radio vs. Free FM, all I can say is this: I tried to warn you. But nobody wants to listen until it's too late. It's kind of like that scene from "Batman Begins" where Batman and Ra's Al Ghul are fighting on the runaway train high above Gotham City:

Ra's Al Ghul: "You can't destroy me. It's not in your nature!"

Batman: "You're right. I can't. But I don't have to SAVE YOU either..."

Batman extends his wings and flies off to safety as the train carrying Ra's Al Ghul plummets off the tracks - and into oblivion.

"This whole damn world - can fall apart. You'll be ok, follow your heart. You're in harms way - I'm right behind. Now say you're mine." -- (The New Radicals from the album, "Maybe You've Been Brainwashed")

Transcripts from tonight's episode of "The id and I" will be available when one of my media professors from college steals this post and passes these ideas off as his own on PBS. Send $2.00 with a self-addressed stamp envelope to CSU (Concrete State University).

00-Septic will return in Ian Fleming's "The Man With The Golden Blog."

Inside The Blogger's Studio: Or Why Hobbits Should Be Allowed To Play Notre Dame Football!

2006-02-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

"The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need: My name in print. This really makes me a somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now..." -- Steve Martin ("The Jerk")

Um, or not.

"Rudy" is kind of like a Lifetime Original Movie ...for men.

So here is a shout out for all Notre Dame football fans here in Cleveland, Ohio. And, yes, I love The Ohio State Buckeyes, too (Hey, I said in a previous post that they were, in fact, the BEST team in college football last season, despite the rankings. OSU blew the Texas game, but if not for that, they played like the #1 team in the nation in the 2006 Fiesta Bowl).

In my defense, I'm Irish-Catholic. So in my household, Notre Dame football - and bartenders - are viewed as Gods.

But, come on, "Rudy" is one of the greatest sports movies of all time (behind "Field of Dreams") - and if you are one of the many people that HATES Notre Dame football, well, all I can say is this:

"He's shooting at the cans - He hates these cans!!!"

The 2006 Cleveland Browns: A Milk-Bone Menagerie or just another Spat on a Hot Tin Woof?

2006-02-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

The id and I - Why do I suddenly feel like "Rufus The Egghead" of this Dawg and Pony show?

Marvin Lewis has earned a contract extension with The Cincinnati Bengals (even after a semi-cheap shot by a Pittsburgh Steelers' player left their quarterback, Carson Palmer, a crumpled playoff cripple). The Baltimore Ravens are floundering like a Lake Erie three-eyed fish out of water thanks to Brian Billick's inability to find a suitable quarterback to helm the reins of his newly revamped offense - and aggressively aging defense. John Collins has gone the way of The Dodo here in Cleveland, thankfully, leaving the door wide open - and unobstructed - for Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel to actually do their jobs.

Thank you, Cleveland: It's about time we let some talented outsiders work their magic here instead of fearing them like "the great plague" that a lot of the "pagans in power" in town would like you to to believe them to be.

Dan Gilbert of The Cleveland Cavaliers has come to town and brought high-paying jobs - as well as a hell of an exciting team - with him. Despite the fact that he inherited LeBron James, he is not greedily resting on his laurels. Dan Gilbert is committed to forking out the bucks to bring a basketball championship to Cleveland - and we here at The id and I thank him for that.

And even though their Orwellian farm system is in place, I'm sorry to say that The Cleveland Indians are not in the same happy space. Mark Shapiro is doing the best he can do with the financial "constraints" placed upon him, but he is still being chained to the Larry Dolan drain pipe when it comes to fiscal freedom and forced to make those "hard choices" that would make the victims of the movie "Saw" gangrene with envy.

Prisoner: "Why you-! If I weren't in these shackles...!"

George Costanza: "But you are, Blanche - You ARE in the shackles!"

But that's neither here nor there at the moment. We are tackling The Cleveland Browns like a drunken townie tackles Trent Dilfer at a local watering hole today. And I truly believe the Cleveland Browns are close to being a playoff team - even if the NFL and Monday Night Football believe the Browns are the "Not-Ready-For-Primetime Players."

They have a lot of important pieces on the football chess board. I'm willing to give quarterback, Charlie Frye, the benefit of the doubt (despite the questions about his arm strength). Hell, people questioned Joe Montana and his "arm strength" all the time - but it's the little things that matter when it comes to the position of quarterback.

A lot of "critics" have second-guessed Jim Tressel, but his Ohio State Buckeyes have won a National Championship - and last year's team was arguably the best team in college football, despite the final outcome. I would love The Cleveland Browns to draft A.J. Hawk or Santonio Holmes - but Hawk will be drafted before the Browns can pick and it would be foolish for the Browns to draft another wide receiver yet again (although Santonio Holmes is going to be a great NFL player).

Whatever the misguided case, here are some early sample picks I would like The Cleveland Browns to consider when they are drafting in the first round this April:

Chad Greenway, LB Iowa
Jimmy Williams, CB Virginia Tech
DeAngelo Williams, RB Memphis
Nick Mangold, C Ohio State

This is an exciting time for Cleveland sports! All I can suggest is you let go of all those ghosts from the past and enjoy the ride, sports fans! Although, I have to admit, the pompous notion of "The Cleveland Indians Television Network" has selfish greed - and disaster - written all over it.

And, finally, I'll leave you with a scene from "Lost" where they ponder whether or not to push the "Doomsday" button:

John Locke: "Jack, why is it so hard for you to have faith-?"

Jack: "John, why is it so easy for you to believe-???!"

"Thumbing your way to Vegas, dirty, and dreaming like you're outta control. Save your tears and laughter, because this is the ride - and this is the show."

The Crystal Pepsi Generation: Just Add Pop Rocks, Chill, and Serve

2006-02-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

"Wake up kids - We've got the dreamer's disease. Age fourteen - They got you down on your knees. So polite - You're busy still saying please..."

These long, cold, harsh winters are really starting to grind on me (and not in the good stripper kind of way). I'm beginning to feel like Tolstoy - just without the talent. I guess I'm supposed to care about The Winter Olympics - but I don't. Even if they try and "jazz it up" for the kids, I'm still not buying what they are selling. I guess I'm supposed to be intrigued by "bad boy" Bode Miller skiing downhill drunk - but when they starting passing out gold medals for "half-drunken blog posting" then, hey, maybe I'll give a damn. I'm selfish that way.

So after my usual Sunday morning ritual of faithfully watching "The Sports Reporters" on ESPN - with a giant frosted mug of Coca-Cola Zero in one hand and TV remote in the other - I began to click around the cable stations only to discover a startling fact of "X-Files" mystique and importance ...there was no football on today!!!

And then another startling factoid suddenly dawned on me: I HAD NO LIFE.

I mean, sure it could be worse: I could be wandering around Home Depot on the weekends chatting it up on my cell phone or something like the rest of the George A. Romero zombies. "Hi, honey, it's me. Yeah, I'm at The Depot now. Okay, well, look - I'm coming up on the insecticides aisle now. Okay, yeah, I'm standing if front of the insecticides now. So what kind of Raid should I buy-? The lemon-fresh scented or the potpourri-? I don't know, which kind do you like better-? Well, look, we have to make a decision here. Honey, are you there...? Yeah, I think the signal on my phone is breaking up. Yeah, hold on. Let me move over to the toilet seat aisle - maybe I can get better reception over there... just hold on ...HOLD ON!"

Oh sure, maybe attending late-night "frat meetings" at sports bars on weekends, over beer and and an endless pile of buffalo wings with my buddies, isn't the way to go either - but a guy's got to have some fun. I mean, just look at that Gordon Gekko fellow from the movie, "Wall Street." His dad dropped dead from a heart attack at the tender age of 46 schlubbing electrical supplies "for The Man." When you hear stories like that from fictional film characters, it just kind of puts things in persepective, you know?

I mean, I'm not a total good-time Charlie Sheen. I have hopes, dreams and ambitions ...that extend beyond the 4 pm - 7 pm happy hour at Slam Jams. Hey, as a matter of fact, I just bought some stock (as in "the stock market") in Buffalo Wild Wings last week - How "adult" is that! I'm saving for the future - as well as giving me a good excuse to "check up on my investments" - every once in a Blue Moon or so.

Sure, I like my fair share of TV ...and beer ...and video games - but I'm not a total stool sample! I am seeking "gainful employment" as we speak (um, type/read). Just last week I applied for a laundry list of jobs: Assistant Writer for "Saturday Night Live" ...Covering the Cleveland Indians' beat (and the Larry Dolan deadbeat) for The Sporting News ...Curator of The Superman Museum (that hasn't been built yet). See, I'm not adverse to real work - I just don't like it. And I've worked in my fair share of sweatshops, too - but I can't go back to that. I'm too pretty. I wouldn't last a day in there! So sue me: I'm the Morris the Cat of job seekers, okay-?

I've even thought about going into business for myself: Like opening a detective agency (Blue Moonlighting, Inc.) with a spunky network newswoman who is down on her luck. One day, she'd walk in my office - scared, confused, looking for help. But little would she realize that after she opened that door, and walked into my office ...that she would also be walking into my heart. I'd solve her little mystery for her, we would later laugh about it on the outdoor patio at some Bohemian cafe, over Appletini's or something pompous like that, and then we would come to grips with the painful realization that together, hey, we made a pretty damn good team.

And it would be a LEGITIMATE business, people! It wouldn't be like one of those hard-to-believe detective agencies like you see on "Hart to Hart" or something, where the Harts just happen to stumble across a murder mystery week after week. It's not like a dead body will be "falling out of the trees" everytime Greta Van Susteren and I attend a polo match or a baby's christening or the Governor's ball or something. We live in the real world, after all...

So as I lay on the couch, with the covers half over my head, I go back to searching for some meaning in my life - as well as something decent on television. While on my exotic travels, I stumble across something called "PBS" this snowy Sunday morning - before narrowly making my escape from it's twisted clutches!

Oh, PBS - Now I know why they DON'T put video cameras in funeral homes!

But, hey, what do I know, huh-? I wouldn't know "Capote" from "Chipotle" at this point. So, to each his own, I guess. Life is a journey. Drink it up!

"Championed by a soulless media misleading - People unaware they're bleeding. No one with a brain is believing. It's so sad you lost the meaning. Never knew it anyway. Human nature's so predictable - I'm a fool to do your dirty work, whoa, whoa!"

Tonight's music featured on "The id and I" included "You Get What You Give" by The New Radicals and is available on The WB.com (or not).

Cuckoo For Coco Crisp? Cleveland Indians are Buy-One-Get-One Free EVERYDAY at Save-A-Lot!

2006-01-29T21:09:00.000-08:00

"Kramer goes to a baseball fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating ...THAT'S a fantasy camp." -- George Costanza

So I guess Coco Crisp is off on his merry way to become a member of the Boston Red Sox.

According to The Cleveland Plain Dealer: "The Cleveland Indians sent Crisp, David Riske and Josh Bard to Boston on Friday for Guillermo Mota, Andy Marte, Kelly Shoppach, a player to be named ...and cash (more than $1 million). The Indians traded an estimated $8.5 million in salaries, while acquiring an estimated $5.2 million."

"Payroll was not a factor," said Shapiro. "It went down, but it gives us more flexibility now and through July to do something else."

Yeah, right. I guess that's what happens when "Thrifty Smurf" owns The Cleveland Indians...

Coco was an above-average player at best, and I am intrigued by the acquistion of Andy Marte, to be perfectly honest. I have total confidence in Mark Shapiro's skills as a General Manager for The Indians (under the penny-pinching circumstances) - that is a moot point.

But I am sick of this "corporate spin" that is constantly being portrayed by the Indians that NOTHING with this organization is "about money." It's ALWAYS about money (or more importantly, lack thereof) when it comes to our "Daddy Warbucks on Welfare" - Larry Dolan.

I'm sick of The Indians having to pause and turn to Larry Dolan to flip through his portable plastic coupon pouch everytime they are looking at possible free agents to see if Dolan says: "Wait! Let me see if I have a coupon for THAT...?"

Mark Shapiro and company have no trouble asking US - the hard-working folks of Cleveland - to fork over mega-bucks for $6.00 beers and $4.00 hot dogs along with expensive tickets for a team that no longer is shown on "Free TV" in favor of lucrative cable deals without flinching - yet we as loyal Indians' fans are supposed to be "patient" everytime Larry Dolan runs to the local Coinstar with his jar of pennies to purchase another mediocre, middle-of-the-road, over-the-hill, free agent.

Maybe Larry Dolan and Mark Shapiro have blinders on - and believe that the "common man" can eat Tender Vittles for lunch every day in order to purchase a golden ticket to an Indians' game at Jacob's Field - and, hey, that notion probably gets a guffaw and an "oh-what-a-knee-slapper!" response at their local country club - but it's that blind pompous ambition that's going to bite them in the ass - in the end - if the Indians fail to produce - and win a World Series - in the long run ...and not too distant future.

On a lighter note, I guess, now, I will be waiting patiently by my mailbox for my 2006 press credentials from the Cleveland Indians, huh-?

Postage to be paid by recipient, of course!

Snap, Crackle ...Pop Hall (Or why a Superman Tribute NEEDS to be built on the shores of Cleveland, Ohio!)

2006-01-27T14:04:00.000-08:00

"I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naive. Men weren't meant to ride, with clouds between their knees. I'm only a man - in a silly red sheet - digging for kryptonite on this one way street. Only a man, in a funny red sheet, looking for special things inside of me..."

So, in case you missed it, last night was the 100th episode of "Smallville" - which showcased the fateful, untimely death of Jonathan Kent - the adoptive father of the son of Jor-el, also known as Clark Kent.

The death of Jonathan Kent is an important part of "The Superman mythology" because it signals the metamorphosis of young Clark Kent into his adult alter-ego, Superman.

Huh. Interesting timing, to say the least.

If anybody out there has been paying attention to this blog for the past several months, then you know that on NUMEROUS occasions I have been asking these questions:

Why isn't there a tribute, memorial, museum or SOMETHING dedicated to the creators of "Superman" - Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel - who both grew up and created The Man of Steel right here in Cleveland during The Depression Era-???

Why couldn't a Joe Shuster-Jerry Siegel-Superman tribute be the main part of a much grander focus - like a Pop Culture Museum ("The Pop Hall") right here on the shores of scenic Lake Erie-?

If we could get a "The Pop Hall" built here in Cleveland - why couldn't it be a shoreline bookend to it's kissing cousin - The Rock Hall-? And why couldn't it feature exhibits and tributes to Clevelanders who have gone on to create lasting mainstream contributions to Pop Culture (Paul Newman, Drew Carey, Halle Barry, Bob Hope, etc.) in our national fabric-?

Why couldn't it also involve a special section to Clevelanders - who stayed in Cleveland - and have a made a tremendous impact right here on the shores of the Cuyahoga-? I'm thinking Harvey Pekar from "American Splendor" fame and legendary Cleveland rock 'n' roll journalist, Jane Scott.

Well, after a meeting I had this morning, it looks like these questions are starting to be answered. And after gathering numerous support from many members of The Cleveland community, it looks like the ball may just start to get rock and rolling on "The Pop Hall." There have been offers of creative support. There have been some possible offers of financial support. There have been offers from some local businesses in the area. But it's just The Beginning...

Why not Cleveland - and why not NOW-? With the movie "Superman Returns" opening this summer in 2006, what better way for Cleveland to jump on the hype-bandwagon and get some great - and free - publicity to showcase our fine town here on The North Coast!

Did I mention I was rejected from the graduate program in Popular Culture at Bowling Green State University-??? (Ironic, huh-? No hard feelings, Bowling Green folks!)

Up, up and away! For more information contact me at: krypto_mcsupedog@yahoo.com

** Special thanks to George Nemeth of "Brewed Fresh Daily" for getting the word out there! **

A Flock of Seahawks on The North Coast of Lake Erie

2006-01-20T08:25:00.000-08:00

"And I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran - I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away..."

You know, idolizing local "sports heroes" here in Cleveland can be a tricky business, to say the least. The Buckeye State pumps out football players faster than journalism schools grind out college graduates - all dressed up with no place to go. The same kind of "job prospects" are about as bleak for the AVERAGE college football player as well...

When I was the sports editor for my college newspaper at Concrete State University here in Cleveland, every Tom, Dick and Harry that walked through the newspaper's front door down in our Middle-Earth basement office thought they were the "second coming" of Cameron Crowe, Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson ...including the foolish boy sitting here, writing this now.

I didn't even want to be the sports editor - but it was a steady college paycheck and a means-to-an-end to write my pop culture comedy-in-a-can musings in a weekly column called, "The id and I." So I put my head down - tucked the ball under my arms - took the job - and ran with it.

But not everyone turns out to be Dan Marino or Mitch Albom - some us turn out to be Elvis Grbac or writing pet obituaries for Sun Newspapers. It is what it is, folks!

That is why I am cheering for The Seattle Seahawks, now, especially for wide receiver (and local hometown boy) Joe Jurevicius. After being drafted by the New York Giants - and then bouncing over to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Joe has finally found a home (and his nitch) out west in "The Starbucks State" with The Seahawks.

Jurevicius went to school here at Lake Catholic and always hangs out at local sports bars when he is back in town. At first glance, he stands in a corner with his drink and is always wearing an expensive suit, like he’s waiting to be noticed.

But I actually approached him one time, talked with him at length about sports, and he is a very gracious and friendly guy. Joe is very down to earth and I hope his team wins it all in The Super Bowl!

So ...Go Seahawks! (And if they do win, after the spectacular season Jurevicius had this year, Joe will be a big part of it.)

Cleveland, Why Can't I Quit You...???

2006-01-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

Well, it's the new year and ...and ...well, I'm not quite sure what that means.

It means that college football is over. It means that Matt Leinart - as returning quarterback of The USC (University of Spoiled Children) Trojans - SHOULD HAVE dropped out of school because a college degree does NOT pay. Not as much, this time around, anyway...

It means that we won't get to see Laura Quinn (Medicine woman???) every 15 seconds or so on national TV now that her brother, Brady Quinn, isn't getting sacked releantlessly by her boyfriend, A.J. Hawk - hey, maybe they can all laugh about it over appetizers at Applebee's or something (Well, maybe not Applebee's - they serve better food in prison - but you get the idea!).

It means that Butch Davis and John Collins of The Cleveland Browns have both now been banished to "Brokeback Mountain" - or wherever failed NFL egomaniacs (and the executives who love them) go to reinvent themselves (Perhaps with The Black Hole and The Oakland Raiders - quit that snickering, people!).

I'm not sure what I want out of Cleveland - or myself - for this new year. I would still like Cleveland to build a Pop Culture museum on the shores of Lake Erie with a giant Superman statue guarding the entrance. If nothing else, to honor Superman creators, Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, who both grew up in Cleveland - and created The Man of Steel HERE in high school - during The Great Depression.

Shouldn't we immortalize native Clevelanders who actually went on to create something that has stuck in the collective mindset throughout the years - instead of some lame "knuckleheads in the news" over and over again-? (Or are we too busy fawning over Mrs. Dennis Kucinich like the lame inbred hillbillies the outside world perceives us to be...? Quit coming up with sappy greeting card slogans for Cleveland - that would make Daffy Dan cringe in horror - and let's do something with this town!)

I mean, unless The Ten-Thousand Volt Ghost from "Scooby-Doo" is chasing people away from the semi-abandoned Aviation Airport or something, it's about TIME to do something with the lakefront. What better way to pay tribute to two native Clevelanders - while bringing added attention, excitement and interest to Cleveland - then to build a Pop Culture museum here on the shores of Lake Erie - with Superman as the main attraction...

Hey, you can even throw in Halle Berry's Bond bikini and Drew Carey's glasses, too, for good measure!

Other than that, I've decided in this new year that if local news woman Sharon Reed is going to continually "over expose" herself during every single sporting event in town, then I might just RETURN THE FAVOR and do they same thing to HER - I'll be an equal opportunity annoyance!

I'm hoping to approach the aspiring Ms. Reed on the sidelines of every Browns, Cavs and Indians game imaginable with a handful of flowers glibly stating: "Golly, Ms. Reed ...you shore are purdy! Aw shucks, I hopes you don't mind too much, but I picked ya these here dandelions just for you..."

To which she'll most likely snap: "What-? Are you some sort of DORK or something-???"

"No, ma'am," I'll respond, staring at my feet. "Just bashful!"

Other than that - Happy 2006, Cleveland!

Now, (sigh), if I could only lose a few of those holiday pounds! Time to hit the gym - um, in case The Ultimate Fighting Championship comes a calling! Oh, Hoegaarden Belgian Ale and Double Atomic cheeseburgers - why can't I quit you...?

O' Ye of Little Cleveland Browns Faith!

2006-01-01T11:34:00.000-08:00

I think the Cleveland Browns are going to win today - I honestly believe that they can beat the Baltimore Ravens. They may not score a lot of points, and it may be an ugly game, but I think our Brownies will bounce back and win today.

The Steelers are just a powerhouse right now - and they bulldozed the Browns with their depth at Iron City talent. But the Browns are good enough - right now - to beat the bumbling Baltimore Ravens. I can sense it. There is a great disturbance in The Force...

Browns win: 13-12!

And fire Phil Savage-??? Uh, I don't think so, Ricky Retardo. (You want to fire our very own Ron Howard of The North Coast-? Just because the guy wears a baseball cap with a leisure suit...? You WANT to fire "Opie"?!? Ladies and gentlemen - and North Coast villagers alike - I implore you: Put down your torches! If anything, FIRE that ladder-climbing corporate circus seal they call "John Collins." Or fire me! Fire a TRUE ass-hat! But please - PLEASE - don't fire North Coast Opie...)

So, in conclusion: Why do I feel our Brownies will win today...? I just feel you NEVER bet against the scrappy underdog - especially when they have their backs up against the wall. You heard it here first, True Believers! (And, um, if The Cleveland Browns DO happen to lose today to the The Ravens ...then quote The McVetta: "Nevermore!")

Go Browns!!!

NEXT UP: Ohio State vs. Notre Dame (Torn between two lovers - feeling like a fool!)

Must Love Blogs

2005-12-23T21:54:00.000-08:00

I was recently included in a "Carnival of Blogs" here in Cleveland, Ohio.

Thank you so much for including me in your event! It was truly an honor to be involved in this exciting new medium, which let me expose my writing (or, um, lack thereof) to a whole new audience.

Anyway, the Cleveland bloggers will be hosting this event again - which gives everyone interested a chance to read and view some amazing new voices - and, more importantly, talent.

You can check out this current crop of writers on the blogosphere at:

Brewed Fresh Daily

In other shameless news, the Cleveland Cavaliers won their 4th game in a row! The mainstream media here in Cleveland exclaimed a while back: "What's wrong with The Cavs?"

NOTHING at all from where this writer is sitting! We said so some time back, in fact! (Hmmm, maybe I need to crash LeBron James' 21st birthday bash, huh-?) They beat some damn good teams in the meantime - not to my surprise, however.

LeBron's da Bomb! Go CAVS!

Happy Holidays to all - and to all a good night!

A Blue Christmas

2005-12-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

LUTZ, Fla. (AP) -- A medical examiner's preliminary report Friday confirmed that the 18-year-old son of Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy, James Dungy, took his own life, although the cause of death will not be determined for four to six weeks.

This is just horrible... What a terrible tragedy. My heart goes out to the Dungy family on their loss.

It just goes to show you, that you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors, but this kid should have been on top of the world.

It makes you think of all the people out there in the world that are hurting and feel that they have no place to turn - and it makes you wish you could help them in any small way, shape, or form - before it ends like this.

At least it makes me feel this way... no matter who they are.

A 19 Crackhead News exclusive: Toucan Sam, The Bird Flu and YOU!

2005-12-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

The id and I - Now with Dual Doppler Blimp Radar. "Because blimps explode. And when they do, you better be ready, dumbass!"

I have had about all I can take with these "holiday Christmas specials" on T.V. If I see one one more group of singing and dancing puppets, dressed in kaiser outfits, I'm going to scream. Yes, Condoleezza Rice, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfield - this means YOU.

I'll leave the political bashing to Jon Stewart, however, because I don't want the Bush administration to start illegally spying on me (although - sigh - I'd probably appreciate "the company"). I don't want to "slip up" and go off on some rant about how I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream or something - especially Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies ice cream - and then get lumped in with the rest of those "communist assholes." (Lick Global Warming!)

"We had to spy on Ben, Jerry and that odd McVetta fellow because we honestly believed they had a SECRET STASH of these Magic Brownies," I'm sure Condie Rice might calmly spin on "Meet The Press" next Sunday. "You know - because of Sept. 11th..."

The next thing you know, the U.S. Army is invading historic downtown Willoughby in search of (MBMD's) - Magic Brownies of Mass Destruction. I just don't need those kinds of headaches!

But that's neither here nor there. Hey, it's the holidays here on the North Coast - and that means only one thing: Pray to your favorite holiday deity (or Scientologist) to bring you some kick-ass gifts this holiday season! My "Secret Santa" struck early this year - trying to snap me out of my cold-weather funk - by delivering my gift to my doorstep a week before Christmas...

A DVD collection of "Harvey Birdman: Attorney-at-Law" from "Adult Swim" on the Cartoon Network. Just in time for the cold and bird flu season!!! (Hey, what did you think I was going to get: the very best of "Masterpiece Theater"?)

Ah, my Secret Santa - she knows me so well (poor girl). At least I didn't get another one of those Beers of the World gift sets like the one I always get from my boss at work. Oh, sure, I like beer ...obviously (I mean, I'm Irish ...I'm a writer ...so YOU do the math!) but how much beer from obscure countries can one man drink... (That was a rhetorical question, folks!).

Harvey Birdman is kind of "the Kathy Griffin of The Hanna-Barbera world." A D-List character who sarcastically defends other A-List inhabits of his carefully-drawn universe from heinous crimes (they, um, almost always commit):

Boo Boo Berry as "The UnaBooBoo Bomber."
Shaggy and Scooby-Doo getting busted for "possession."
Apache Chief filing a lawsuit against a coffee chain after spilling hot java on his apache crotch and getting "erectile disfuntion" as a result.
Dr. Benton Quest and his "life partner" Race Bannon fight over custody of their kids, Jonny and Hadji.

See what I mean-? Good stuff! Practicing law was never this much fun...

And, until new episodes of "My Name is Earl" and "Scrubs" are back on the air, I need something to hold me at bay. Something to maintain my last shreds of sanity during all the hectic holiday travelling out on the major roadways and interstates in this godforsaken weather - Man does not live by Blog alone, folks!

Because, I swear, if get one more freaking gift card from "Old Navy" this Christmas, it's not going to be pretty. I mean, how many retro-bowling shirts and cargo pants can one man own-??? (That's another rhetorical, folks...)

But 13 episodes of "Harvey Birdman: Attorney-at-Law" on DVD should keep "the Kong in me" appeased - at least for a little while anyway...

Other than that, here's wishing you a happy holiday - and a MERRY CHRISTMAS, as well - you bunch of pagans!!! (And please bring our troops home safely in 2006).

The id and I supports Peace on Earth through Pop Culture. Chris McVetta's wardrobe courtesy of "Dawson's Creek."

LeBron's da Bomb: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The CAVS!

2005-12-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

The id and I - Welcome to The Bermuda Triangle of journalism!

The Cleveland Cavaliers, those swashbuckling hoop-slicers in shorts, are back at it again for the 2005-06 NBA season and there is a new sign hanging up down at the arena: "Under new management."

Majority owner Dan Gilbert has breathed new life into "The Q" (along with his partner, Usher, who, as a Cavs' fan, makes you feel like a latch-key kid without his notable presence there). Danny Ferry, who once raised fans' ire, and probably inspired the comic book guy from "The Simpsons" to quip "Worst trade EVER!" is back in business as the new "golden boy" General Manager. Rounding out our corporate cast of rogue round-ballers is Mike Brown, large and in-charge, as the new head coach snatched from the talented coaching gene pool of The San Antonio Spurs and Indiana Pacers.

Oh, and let's not forget a little someone named LeBron James, either!

This being "Browns' Town" - it's easy to sometimes forget The Cavaliers in the Cleveland sports trifecta shuffle (especially early in the NBA season). But don't let Seasonal Affective Disorder make you SAD, football fans - the last thing you need to do is go hang yourself out back in the toolshed! There will be plenty of time for THAT if and when LeBron James skips town for the bright lights of New York or L.A.

Is LeBron James the next Michael Jordan...? Dude, he's better! Much, much better. I've seen both b-boys play in their prime, and Michael Jordan was never this good at an early age. It took years for "His Greatness" to become, well, great. LeBron is doing it here - now - at the tender age of twenty.

He's faster than a speeding RTA bus through one of downtown Cleveland's stupid camera stoplights! He's more powerful than Big Dawg's appetite! He's able to leap abandoned downtown office buildings in a single bound! And "The Spy Club" is apparently his Fortress of Solitude...

But, LeBron, unlike the island on "Lost" - is not an island unto himself. And even Superman needs help from The Justice League once in a while. LeBron James needs help to win a championship, folks. Just like Jordan needed Pippen and company to win all those titles in Chicago, so will LeBron. That's why Dan Gilbert and Danny Ferry went out and spent some big bucks on free agents like Larry Hughes, Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones. To bring a championship to "The House of Usher" - and, hopefully, keep LeBron in town for the far, far future.

With big man on campus, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, under the net every night (hopefully), these new additions need to add defense, rebounding and outside shooting to LeBron's already larger-than-life game. "Z" may not get the respect at "The Q" from media outsiders and some fans, but he's still one of the better centers playing in the league right now. The rest of the alphabet people include (D)rew Gooden, (E)ric Snow, (S)asha Pavlovic and Anderson "Wild Thing" (V)arejao - not a bad lineup on any given night, when all are healthy, and all things being equal.

Maybe I don't know "metrosexual muppets" from mascots, but Moondog has got to be a serious upgrade from Whammer. The name "Whammer" itself sounds like a nickname for some curious kid "experimenting with himself" during those awkward teenage years - but as a mascot for The Cavs? Not so much.

And let's not forget our jedi-in-training, Luke Jackson, shall we. Sure, a lot of fans have been beating down on the "Oregon prodigy" - but I like this kid's potential (even if he is from Bigfoot country). Luke's coming off major back surgery - and re-entering his rookie year, this year. Give him a chance and I think he will surprise some people as he continues to get healthy and learn the game on the pro level (If not, then Donald Trump can fire me for extreme incompetence on the next edition of "The Apprentice: Sports Journalism," I guess!).

Other than that, grab your bobbleheads and your favorite Cavalier girl (um, not necessarily in that order), and enjoy the show known only as YOUR Cleveland Cavaliers. All for one. One for all.

Chris McVetta is a contributing writer for North Coast Voice Magazine in Ohio. What he "contributes" is anybody's guess! But, regardless, he likes to write about The Cleveland Browns, Indians and CAVS ...even if his pop culture prose belongs on a placemat at Beef Corral.

Me, My Brownie Elf, and I

2005-11-18T12:44:00.000-08:00

"You live in a church - where you sleep with voodoo dolls, and you won't give up the search for the ghosts in the halls. You wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away - can you look out the window, without your shadow getting in the way-? Yeah, you're working, building a mystery..."

So, winter is upon us here on the North Coast - and I am not the least bit prepared. So much so, in fact, a Swiss Alps St. Bernard had to rescue me from the blustery bile that a cold front regurgitated onto my home in Lake County ("the l.c.") this afternoon. This loyal creature literally pulled me out of a snow bank, while still fully clothed in my Notre Dame Brady Quinn jersey and matching cargo shorts. After fixing himself a martini from his hotel bar in a barrel attached to his Pet Smart dog collar utility belt (Bat-Bernard?), he finally saw fit to revive me with a bottle of Hoegaarden and a slice of orange (perhaps a technique he learned from watching an episode of "ER" or something - I don't know!). Whatever the case, I awoke in my living room to watch the first full blast of winter cascade the country landscape outside my patio window.

It's times like these I wish Bowling Green had a satellite campus ...in Cancun. Perhaps I could teach Pop Culture to the underprivileged or something. I'm not really sure of anything right now, but at least if I could pontificate about the pop, stuck in some Corona commercial, it might ease the tension of these tedious winter doldrums.

But that's probably when FOX News would send the tsunami to "get me." (They have a secret doomsday machine that controls the weather, you know! I read all about it on George Clooney's blog. Email Bill O'Reilly and ask him about it!)

And I know if that happens, I have faith that Aquaman will come and rescue me riding Shamu or something (Hey, if nothing else, I'm a realist!). Oh, sure, I might be sold to the "secret sex-slave trade" down in Atlantis, but that's a blog posting for another time, I suppose. At least the weather might be a little nicer down in that dome...

***

I am a little confused about the direction of The Cleveland Browns right now after that pitiful loss to The Pittsburgh Steelers. Oh sure, I'm concerned, but I'm not going to do anything extreme like handing out "Cleveland: Abandon Ship!" or "Cleveland: The Bizarro Chicago" bumper stickers to the fans down at the stadium ...just yet.

I admire and applaud the fact that Romeo Crennel does not buckle under the pressure of the masses to toss Charlie Frye into the mix - but, still, at this point in the season, what could it hurt? I mean, I understand he doesn't want to damage the future in Frye - but, at the same time, this is not your father's Tim Couch team. They significantly upgraded the offensive line - they have a durable running game in Reuben Droughns - and they have receivers who can catch and run with the ball - so what's the deal, Daddy-O ...?

It's time to see if Charlie Frye can learn to fly. Trent Dilfer had his chance - and he did an admirable job under the semi-depleted circumstances - but what are The Browns playing for now-? A high draft pick that will end up breaking his leg the first week of the season by showboating on his jet ski on the brown-and-green shores of scenic Lake Erie-?

***

My friend Alicia and I are fixated on Target. Target is like a Wal-Mart - just for more "upscale hillbillies." It's an oasis for pop culture Peter Pans like myself who end up buying Atari 2600 Flashback machines, Wacky Packages, and Hawk and Dove action figures from the toy aisle to ease the pain of a world gone mad.

Hawk and Dove are my favorite "aggressive-passive" DC crime-fighting superhero brothers - one, obviously, who goes into "attack mode" on a moment's notice while the other is a pacifist. While working at my college newspaper, The Cleveland State Cauldron, we used to stand up on on our seats and scream out "Hawk and Dove - ATTACK!!!" whenever we used to write a scathing editorial review on the corporate circus-seal-slurping CSU administration. And then print a remorseful retraction 2 days later...

Oh, sure, I admit - it was a bit theatrical. And why then Cleveland State men's basketball coach, Mike Boyd, never had me buried in the end zone of Krenzler soccer field like Jimmy Hoffa for some of the things I wrote about him is STILL beyond me...

But time - and Atari 2600 - heal all wounds. And ripping through those Wacky Packages made me think a great deal about my own mortality. That's why I have amended my will so I have those "Ghoul Whip" and "Count Funkula" stickers slapped on my coffin before I go to that big Blogosphere in the sky.

So, as the cold clutch of winter smothers me, I choose to retreat to my cave for the moment, and hand off Luke Skylwalker in a Trent Dilfer-like-fashion to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru as I scurry off to ponder my Pitfall high-score like Obi-Wan Kenobi on holiday.

At least until some brave soul seeks me out with the "secret plans" to The Death Star hidden inside an Atari 2600 console. To which then I can only scratch my SPJedi head and mutter: "I don't seem to remember ever owning an Atari 2600 unit...???"

May The Force Be With You, Cleveland!

"Yeah, we're never going to survive - unless - we get a little ...crazy."

Cue the Kenny Loggins, Gopher!

2005-11-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

Ty Webb: "I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball. Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball, Danny..."

Danny Noonan: "It's hard when you're talking like that!"

And The Continental Player of The Year goes to ...Grady Sizemore!

Congratulations to this year's winner of Continental's "Work Hard, Fly Right" award, Grady Sizemore. Grady Sizemore will receive 1 million Continental Airlines One Pass miles to donate to his favorite charity, courtesy of Continental Airlines.

Um, I'm not sure how this works, if orphans get to fly to Tahiti or what -? But who am I to judge... (There ain't no gruel served in First Class, Tiny Tim, so soak it up!).

****

In other news, an old friend of mine from college yesterday told me that I basically need to get out of this (bleeping) town, um, in no uncertain terms (I, um, guess the "Believe in Cleveland" slogan hasn't sunk in with him yet - of course, it's important to remember that he doesn't live in a nursing home, either). This was all over Hoegaarden, burgers and bar food at The Winking Lizard, of course!

It's not that this person (I'll refer to him as "The Source") hates Cleveland - just the opposite, in fact - he loves this town. And it's not about being negative, sour grapes, or any corporate ("Who Moved My Cheese?") kind of crap like that. He's actually (in his own way) one of the most positive people I know - and highly successful. But even The Source realizes spinning wheels when he sees it - and I'm sure his heart was in the right place.

He recommended a book to me entitled "What Should I Do With My Life?" by Po Bronson (and it was the second time in two years someone strongly suggested I read this). So, I figure, if someone is going to actually take time out of their life to recommend something to me that they feel will help or inspire me, then I should at least be courteous enough to indulge them - so I bought the book this morning and intend to read it.

****

In other blah, blah, blah news - I recently had a discussion with someone I know who loves music yet, for the life of him, cannot understand why someone would PAY for Sirius Satellite Radio (after I mentioned I own stock in the company).

"I bet they use to say the same thing about Cable TV..." was my only response.

And then, like Dr. Doom, I returned home to my hidden mountain lair where I picked up my Larry Morrow chess piece off of my Clear Channel chess board and informed it: "Soon, my pet. Very soon - victory will be MINE!!!"

Then, in a final theatrical fit of rage, I flipped the chess board and scattered the Kid Leo and Maria Farina chess pieces across the four corners of the room: "Bah, hahahahahahaha! DOOM!!!"

For Weekend Update, I'm Chris McVetta ...and you're not.

"Lost" in Translation

2005-11-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

The Cleveland Plain Dealer had a spoiler "news item" on "Lost" on it's frontpage concerning the death of another character on the show - and I completely ignored it (as well as any other media info) because I did not want to ruin the surprise. (Although, I guess, the REAL mystery would be why my hometown newspaper keeps delivering a Sunday paper to my doorstep every week - when I don't ask for it and I don't have a current subscription...??? Maybe they thought I'd be interested in Dennis Kucinich's love life (cough) or why this "lemon in love" endorsed Jane Campbell for mayor. Yeah - there's the kiss O' death! Anybody...? Anybody...?).

I thought Charlie was going to buy the farm, but I knew it was Shannon as soon as the episode began last night (why else would they be highlighting her-???)

The first couple episodes of "Lost" this season started off with a bang (down in the hatch) - and have since fizzled (although last night's still sizzled at the end).

But it's focusing too much on these "new" survivors who are rather lame - get back to the basics: Dr. Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Locke (and the great character backstories) before focusing on these new people. It feels like the show has "jumped the shark" - in a mere few weeks!

It was great to see Boone again (even in flashbacks) - but, please, keep the mystery going on with this island and what it REALLY means - and, damn, "Lost" folks and creators, bring back the Monster/Security System into the fold and the other odd, universal mysteries.

Box Office Poison reviews: George Clooney's "Good Night, and Good Luck"

2005-10-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

I recently had a chance to go and see George Clooney's latest film, "Good Night, and Good Luck."

"Good Night, and Good Luck" chronicles the turbulent times and tales of legendary newsman - and broadcast pioneer - Edward R. Murrow and his infamous battle with Senator Joseph McCarthy during the Communist "witch hunts" of the 1950's. This eloquent film - in all it's black and white beauty - does a fabulous job of exposing the hypocrisy present in Cold War politics - which still, sadly, runs rampant in this day and age - and the dangers faced by the brave media men and women who try and expose them.

In a time of illegal wars - and the "news networks" that whitewash them - this film by Clooney speaks volumes of the dangers of political power abused and misused at the highest levels - in the most "fair and balanced" fashion possible.

In an age where "broadcast journalists" are disgusted by the fact that today's youth prefer to get their "news" from such sources as Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" (a satirical show that speaks more - in volumes and spoofs - than any network news format on the air today), "Good Night, and Good Luck" is a thankful throwback to a time when people in the television industry risked it all - all for the sake of speaking the truth to the masses through the much-maligned medium of television.

The fact that Clooney portrays Murrow "bashing" the very medium he uses to bring down the bad guys is the most fascinating aspect of this very important American film. It's a must-see for every "patriot" who relishes their First Amendment "freedom of speech" rights in this most troubled day and age.

GRADE: A-

The id Oscar nods go to:

Best Actor - David Strathairn (Edward R. Murrow)
Best Film - "Good Night, and Good Luck"
Best Director - George Clooney
Best Screenplay - George Clooney and Grant Heslov

Box Office Poison is a subsidiary of The id and I - which is a subsidiary of Forbes Magazine and General Electric (Kidding!).

Big Money, No Whammies!

2005-10-28T01:24:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK, Oct 25, 2005 -- Infinity Broadcasting Tuesday said "Loveline" host Adam Carolla and former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth will fill the mics vacated by Howard Stern, as well as Penn from "Penn and Teller."

Well, as a shareholder in the company now, I guess I just pulled the lever and won the jackpot on my Sirius Satellite Radio slot machine: Howard Stern will soon move to Sirius in 2006 and will be replaced by ...THREE LEMONS.

Monotony (The Parker Brothers game of LIFE): "Do not pass GO - Do not collect $200"

2005-10-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

"What have we done with innocence-? It disappeared with time, it never made much sense. Adolescent resident, wasting another night on planning my revenge - one in ten - Don't wanna be your monkey wrench! One more indecent accident - I'd rather leave than suffer this. I'll never be your monkey wrench..."

So, I guess as some disenchanted semi-youth, past-his-MTV-demographic prime "Generation Xer" that I am, I'm supposed to be all "jazzed" about this new "up-with-people" slogan generated by a bunch of old tired white folks here in town: "Believe in Cleveland."

Yeah, that's gonna get me out of bed in the morning. It's funny that the people that actually come up with this crap - I'm guessing, probably have well-paying jobs. For the rest of us Atari-sucking neverdowells, I'm guessing that to the rest of us Lil ' Rascals - working in a stagnant Wal-Mart slave-driven economy - this "slogan" just sounds like more of a steaming heaping pile of bullshit - one that we've already fallen into one too many times before...

Sure, as a Communications major with a bachelor's degree from a state college, I do all right for myself, making my standard $35,000 - $40,000/year "liberal arts salary" - but that's because I do not work in the "liberal arts" anymore. Primarily, because there are NO liberal arts jobs here in Cleveland that pay above the minimum Wal-Mart/post-apocalyptic Planet of the Apes-type wage.

I am a survivor (not the lame '80's band, nor the semi-equally rancid reality show). So I know what it takes to survive, believe me. The fact that I'm not off fighting some illegal war like a lot of other brave men and women younger than myself should give me pause - and it does - but does that mean we (as a generation and a society) shouldn't want more for ourselves and the kids coming up to bat behind us...?

When I did work for large corporations in Cleveland, before they went boom or bust or relocated to Jacksonville, I usually ended my day by rushing out of those offices screaming like Charlton Heston in Public Square: "It's a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!!!" - only to be scooped up in a net by Dr. Zeus and friends for another day of fun and folly anyway.

When I tried to pursue a "job in writing" I would only find myself repeating myself over and over again in a freelance fashion, writing about how, say, McCarthy's Ale House (the Mos Eisley spacesport for journalists) was the best bar in Cleveland ...for the 15th time in a row. "Please stop by and say 'hello' - and we might let you fawn over us while you buy us a beer!" (Okay, aw shucks, I like McCarthy's Ale House, too - but it gets a little old after a while. If you want, stop by Ray's Place some time, you can buy me a beer, and ...I'll ...tell you ...all ...about it. Oh, nevermind! Yes, I'm a hypocrite - there, I said it - happy now???)

"Welcome to The Giggling Iguana, fellow Clevelander! May I tell you about our fabulous lunch specials today or perhaps tantalize your tastebuds with our wide array of amazing appetizers-? Or perhaps, just a job application..."

Seriously, I don't know what the solution for this town is - But unlike the "people in power" I'm certainly not going to piss in your face and tell you it's raining.

I know I don't want to end up working behind a customer service window asking Cool Cleveland's Peter Chakerian: "So, how much starch would you like in your sweater vest today, sir-?" While, in turn, said Chakerian hands me his late video rentals saying: "Thanks for the recommendations, McV. 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes 2: Massacre at Heinz Field' and 'Pitfall Harry and The Masonic Temple of Doom' were great rentals! And, hey, here's a gold brick for your trouble..."

"Don't mock people with Master's degrees, kids. We all make bad choices in life." -- Marge to Bart and Lisa ("The Simpsons")

I certainly don't regret my college experience - it was a fun-filled "3-hour tour" that turned into a 5-year "Love Boat" excursion, complete with shuffle-board and the sudsy such. But I don't know how I could justify telling any youngin's to pursue a liberal arts degree in a field they are truly passionate about - when a Syracuse graduate with a degree in journalism ends up working at Starbucks for $8/hour ...while trying to pay off a $100,000 student loan - and trying to "survive" in the process.

Do I tell these kids that you just have to "pay your dues." That's hard to (due) in my "Caddyshack" world where I make farely shallow, sarcastic remarks about Dick Feagler while, in return, he pats me on the head like Rodney Dangerfield and states: "Ah, McVetta ...cute kid." And then rolls his big fish eyes back into his head while remarking: "So, tell me ...what time are you due back in Boy's Town...?"

Maybe that's why I have never gone back to Bowling Green to get a Master's degree in Pop Culture while music from Dinosaur Jr. washes over me like a wave from the shores of "Dawson's Creek" (Well, that - and a sucky G.P.A.).

That's why I have (thankfully) tried to take matters into my own hands. I watch "Mad Money w/Jim Cramer" every chance I get and invest until it hurts in Sirius Satellite Radio (SIRI) in hopes of one day the rebels and myself topple The Clear Channel Empire.

So when fellow CSU college alum, Pete Chakerian, tells me, "Chris, you can do Chuck Klosterman better than he can do himself..." (Um, insert sarcastic innuendo here!), I try and find publishers for my non-sensical rantings. Does that mean I'll succeed-? Who knows! But I'm going to try, at the very least.

So, ironic as it is, while doing a search for book publishers, I stumbled across an article from a reporter with The Akron Beacon Journal about people who self-publish their own books in a slim chance to get some notice - (and it was a damn good article!).

So now what do I do-? Write "Scientology for Dummies (tm)" or "How Chris McVetta Got His Groove Back" in my free time-? Sure, why not - Oprah's Book Club, here I come! Or not.

Maybe it will work, and maybe it won't. If not, I'll just go back to spending my days with the rest of the "Lost" gang on Mystery Island trying to decipher these clues of this life. At least I can go to my death bed like Ricky Roma knowing I TRIED to do something different - and if this helps anyone else out there in the meantime, well ...so be it, Jedi. (I Want To Believe - but not some Cigarette Smoking Man corporate guy crap!)

Good night, and good luck!

"One in ten - One last thing before I quit. I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head. I still remember every single word you said - and all the shit that somehow came along with it. Still there's one thing that comforts me - since I was always caged and now I'm free. Don't wanna be your monkey wrench..."

In Action Id Comics # 65, we review Harvey Pekar's "The Quitter" (Oh, forget it ...I give up! Sooo, who's on Conan O'Brien-???)

2005-10-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

"If only you could do something useful with that mind of yours - You're like Lex Luthor!" -- Jerry to Kramer on "Seinfeld."

Meanwhile, at "The Daily Futile" (3rd-tier Metropolisp's only daily newspaper!), the editor-in-chief, Very White, begins his staff meeting...

Very White (chomping on his trademark cigar): "Great Caesar's Ghost! The mayor of Cleveland gets caught taking kickbacks from Wal-Mart - in the form of tacky polyester leisure suits - and we get scooped on it by a (shudders) free news and arts weekly! What AM I paying you people for-?!?"

Lois Lame (typing merrily away on her Fisher-Price (tm) word processor): "Um, how many 'P's' in 'pulitzer,' Chief...?"

Clark Cant Cut It (adjusting his glasses - made by Superhero Lenscrafters in only one hour): "Um, excuse me, Very White, but many of the local bloggers are doing a lot of great work exposing great injustices - maybe we could just steal some story ideas from them-?"

Very White: "At last! A reporter with an ORIGINAL idea! Good work, Cant Cut It! Finally, somebody's thinking around here!

Clark Cant Cut It: "I mean, sufferin' succotash, as writers we all steal things on a subconscious level at times - but anything else would just be sad and pathetic, right-?"

Lois Lame (to Clark Cant Cut It): "Great stories don't find good reporters, Clark. GOOD REPORTERS find great stories - Got that, Smallville-?"

Suddenly, a white dog wearing a red cape named "Krypto McSuperdog" comes flying through the window of The Daily Futile...

Very White: "Sweet Mother of Troy! Who let that dog fly in through the open window-??? What am I running around here - The Weekly World News!"

Krypto McSuperdog: "Arf! Arf!"

Clark Cant Cut It (leaning down to talk to his faithful mutt): "What's that, boy-? You hear somebody's Life Alert medical bracelet going off in town-?"

Krypto McSuperdog: "Arf! Arf! Arf!"

Clark Cant Cut It: "Great Scott! Auntie Jane has fallen down a well on her way to the Death Cab for Cutie concert-??? We've got to help her, boy!"

Krypto McSuperdog: "Arf! Arf!"

Clark Cant Cut It (removing his glasses that the nice salesperson at Lenscrafters said made him look "sophisticated"): "I'll just use my heat vision to cause a distraction by starting those stack of yellow newspapers in the corner on fire. Heck, nobody's subscribing to them anyway..."

As Very White and Lois Lame are easily distracted from their own self-importance - and, oh yeah, to put out the fire in the corner too - Clark Cant Cut It races to the nearest broom closet with his faithful companion by his side.

Clark Cant Cut It (ripping off his clothes faster than Bill O'Reilly on speakerphone): "Maybe lazy journalist-by-day, Clark Cant Cut It - or, hey, even Marty Sullivan - are not able to help Auntie Jane ...but Super Blog CAN!!! Now ...Up, up and malaise!"

*****

So I went to the book signing this week for Harvey Pekar's newest Vertigo graphic novel, "The Quitter." It was kind of a surreal feeling, having worked at The Free Times with Harvey for a brief time after college, kind of like when Marty McFly first encounters the younger version of his father, George McFly, for the first time in "Back to the Future."

I kept waiting for the space-time continuum to violently rip open in anger and suck me into the stratosphere, a black hole for psuedo-journalists or a Phantom Zone for hackneyed writers and scribbling wannabes like myself (Oh, wait - I'm already there: It's called ..."the blogosphere!!!").

But it never happened. And Harvey began his Pekar press conference to a modest group of fans, a bit uncomfortable at first and complete with his patented Pekar "trademark twitches." He started out squirming like Gollum under a heatlamp, but he sooned warmed up under the spotlight - and to the local Cleveland crowd nicely.

Some significant news Harvey announced was that he was bringing back his American Spendor series for DC Comics (the parent company of Vertigo).

When asked by a member of the crowd if he would ever return to David Letterman's show, Pekar cackled impishly: "Yeah, sure, I'd do it! For the money ...but I guarantee you that he (Dave) doesn't want me back on his show again." When pressed further for more info on this tantalizing tidbit, Harvey informed the crowd that whenever his people called "The Late Show" about Pekar's return to late night, the producers would only say one of two things: "No comment" or "Dave's not in the mood tonight."

Other than that, and a semi-awkward "meet and greet" with Harvey Pekar, I ran home - like Indiana Jones greedily grasping my prized "gold monkey" - with an autographed copy of "The Quitter."

I read it from beginning to end that night (after "Lost" of course!). And I have to say that "The Quitter" is absolutely brilliant in it's simple semi-self-loathing complexity! The black and white (with many shades of gray) artwork by Dean Haspiel and Lee Loughridge popped off the page in breathtaking fashion that pulled the reader right back into Cold War era Cleveland.

Sure, from a kid groomed on comic books, it was a bit of stretch for myself - someone not used to being grounded in realism, with an active imagination that often runs rampant ...like the Road Runner on ACME crack. I kept waiting for Harvey Pekar to find that green power ring and fly off into outer space wearing some funky green and black tights... but that's not his thing - and lucky for us, the readers.

No, it's not the Green Lantern/Green Arrow comics of the 1970's (drawn in demigod detail by comics' legend, Neal Adams) and fighting the injustices of racism, corporate corruption, social unrest and "The Man." Nor is it the dark and gritty "realism" of Batman: Year One by Frank Miller that "revamped the camp" of the Batman mythology (Sorry, Adam West! You were, um, Bat-groovy in your own way, I guess. Anyone who can shout the line: "Confess to your crimes, you hateful hussy!" with a straight face to Julie Newmar in a Catwoman suit has this square's admiration 'till the end of time).

But if you want to get to know Harvey Pekar, his work, and a slice of his not-so-peculiar world, then I suggest you run out and read "The Quitter." If nothing else, it cements a piece of Cleveland, Ohio, into the space-time continuum of underground pop culture history in glorious graphic detail...

Now, if DC Comics would only give me a call - and give me the greenlight to re-write The Atom! A six-inch superhero with an addiction to Hoegaarden beer bordering on the alcoholic - all the while battling "modern day" villains that would make the wacky weirdoes on "nip/tuck" look like freaking Betty Boop! Or not.

In the meantime, just like Wile E. Coyote, I guess it's back to the drawing board for me...

Arf! Arf!

The Id and I - "If web blogs were cereals, we'd be The King Vitamin of cyber-space!"

Weezer and The Foo Fighters at CSU...? Then Rodney McDangerfield sez: "Hey, everybody, I'm going Back to School!"

2005-10-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

"All my life, I've been searching for something. Something never comes, never leads to nothing. Nothing satisfies, but I'm getting close - Closer to the prize at the end of the rope. All night long, I dream of the day - When it comes around, then it's taken away. Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most - The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost..."

I never really got excited about "journalism" in any way, shape or form. There are only fond scattered memories of a simpler time as my tenure as Sports Editor at The Cleveland State University Cauldron student newspaper. I never got into it, like so many others did, for "a career." To me, it was more about belonging to something ...anything. It was, to me, more about saying something that mattered in a socially relevant, if not satirical, manner - back in a time when we didn't even know who or what The Onion or The Daily Show was...

Just like with Bill Murray in "Ghostbusters," to me journalism wasn't so much a science as it was "a dodge or a hustle" to vent my creative musings to a larger audience for my own selfish gratification ...and, hey, get paid to do so.

So when I returned to my alma mater, Cleveland State, last night to attend the Foo Fighters in concert, a flood of old feelings washed over me again that I haven't felt for some time. Oh, sure, they've reappeared in other shapes and forms, like The Free Times or The Second City, but there's just something special - something you can never forget - about your first true love...

I've gone on to slip in and out of the realm of Cleveland journalism over the years, taking each tiny victory whenever I was fortunate enough to grasp the opportunity. But The Cauldron was always the best and brightest memory for me shining brightly in a foggy Cleveland landscape - free of petty politics, corporate greed and the need for the constant flow of advertising dollars - no matter what the cost.

Actually, we had our petty politics, like any dysfunctional family would in a "bunker mentality" situation. But also, like any family, we pulled together and set aside our squabbling when it mattered most.

In a town where most "media personalities" have more DUI's than Emmys (Hey, we all falter at times, nobody's perfect), it's been hard to find a source for inspiration and guidance. Oh, sure, when I was an Editorial Assistant at The Free Times, I came in contact with some great talent at that time. But even though my primary duty was translating Harvey Pekar's "chicken scratches" written in a #2 pencil from paper to page, I never had much contact with him. He would stop in during office parties once in a while to scarf some free food, grumble something, and then be on his way - but a Master Yoda to me he was not... nor was it his responsibility to do so. I'm sure, in his own way, he is a nice enough guy (and "American Spendor" was an awesome movie).

And as for myself-? Well, I get no respect! (But, in truth, I've hardly earned it).

So walking through the old campus tonight (built with concrete, more concrete, and love) I couldn't help but feeling teleported back to that age of magic. I guess old feelings never die, they just lie dormant in the back of your brain until something triggers them back ...like tonight. As a rush of adrenaline raced through my veins, it took everything in my power not to race up the steps of the Viking Hall dormitories and start pounding on the doors: "Hey, everybody, come on out - I'm reviewing tonight's concert for a newspaper and I need your help - and, oh yeah - bring Jell-O shots!"

To which the startled tenants would most likely respond: "Get lost, you weirdo, before we call the cops!"

That's the spirit!!! (Sigh) The reality is, I don't know how Jane Scott did this for all those years. I'm only in my thirties now, and at times, I feel like saying: "I need your help, Luke. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing..."

But enough boring Episode I prequel babble: on to the concert! I have to say that Weezer was fantastic - and I didn't even go to see them, but those crazy kids put on a helluva show! "The Sweater Song," "Buddy Holly" and "Beverly Hills" are all enjoyable enough songs - and "Hash Pipe" (my favorite) got the crowd lathered into a frenzy as the opening appetizer for the upcoming Foo Fighter feast.

Dave Grohl is fantastic - a stage presence to be reckoned with, unlike the bullshit and self-pretence of, say, U2's Bono (a tip of the hat to rock journalist, Peter Chakerian, for that one). The entire Foo clan was electric, positively charged, and ready to bring the goods - they did and they delivered, much to the delight of their fans.

"Many years ago, on June 19th, 1969, my mom brought a baby into this world in Warren, Ohio," Grohl screached to the Buckeye crowd. "And she brought me into this world to ROCK YOUR FUCKING ASSES OFF!!!"

I have to say that The Foo Fighters concert at Cleveland State was probably one of the best concerts I have seen in my limited lifetime - it rocked the galaxy. And when they played, "Everlong," set to a lightshow that dazzled the senses and would make Spielberg envious, I have to say I must have felt like what my favorite uncle, Dick Feagler, felt like the first time he heard "The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B" - live and in person! (Sorry, Uncle Dick!)

So, I guess, it's times like these you learn to live again. Nothing can bring back the past to the present - life doesn't work that way. And even though a flood of great memories make me yearn (did I just say "yearn"?!?) for days gone by - days when the catchphrase "C-Ya! Get Rocked!" was all the rage on my former college campus - you can't relive the past. You can only keep it close - to keep you warm in fond remembrance of those rare brief snipets in time.

And, with that, I'll leave you with this passing quote that a great man once uttered:

"Shakespeare for everybody!"

Goodnight, Cleveland!

"And I wonder... When I sing along with you - If everything could ever feel this real forever-? If anything could ever be this good again-? The only thing I'll ever ask of you - You've got to promise not to stop when I say ...when."

"Choke" - Not just a novel by Chuck Palahniuk anymore, Tribe fans!

2005-10-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

"Summer has come and passed. The innocent can never last. Wake me up when September ends..."

First of all, let me just this say this: Eric Wedge and the Cleveland Indians' corporate marketing team can spin this whatever way they want to (and will) - but this team choked when everything was on the line. It's just that simple. They had their destiny grasped firmly in their hands - until they dropped it like a fly ball to Grady Sizemore in centerfield.

Aaron Boone can't bunt - and the Indians "manufacture runs" like Yugo manufactures cars.

My autographed Ben Broussard ball sitting up on my mantle was beginning to BLEED this weekend after all the vulgarities being screamed at it by angry Tribe houseguests. Sorry, Ben, it was nice meeting you - you were a cool guy - but I have to wonder if you will be around in the spring (or deserve to be, quite frankly). Maybe I should have autographed a baseball for him... it would be worth about as much on eBay right now.

Yes, the Indians have "progressed" this year - but they only have gone from "choking" after being one game behind the Twins last year, to choking in the final week of the season this season. That's progress, huh-?

As much as I predicted the White Sox would choke, the Cleveland Indians turned around and collapsed even harder in the most embarrassing, inexcusable manner possible - let's not sugarcoat it, because that's exactly what happened this week - and everyone knows it. Ironic, huh-?

"I don't know much. But I do know talent when my producers tell me about it." - Krusty the Clown ("The Simpsons")

That being said, it was - and is - great to have an actual baseball team to cheer about again this summer in Cleveland! I cringe when I think about those damn Yankees and whiny "woe is me" Red Sox fans in the playoffs - no, FOX, not everyone wants to see that matchup in the postseason - there is life here in middle america, too.

This team is exciting to watch, talentwise. Travis Hafner is the new Thome. Grady Sizmore is the new Lofton. Victor Martinez is the new Sandy Alomar. Jhonny Peralta is - well, nobody will ever replace Omar Vizquel - but Peralta is as good as a replacement as you could hope for, I guess. And Coco Crisp-? Who is this crazy wildcard who came out of nowhere-??? Who cares, we're cuckoo for Coco Crisp here in Cleveland! And Cliff Lee and C.C. Sabathia are going to be a potent (and nasty) 1-2 pitching punch to beat.

I'm still not completely sold on Ronny Belliard - despite some amazing defensive plays. Kevin Millwood will most likely have his bags packed after Larry Dolan holds out his empty pockets like that Monopoly guy on the "Pay $15 poor tax" Community Chest card...

It's not guaranteed that this team will only get better, either. Bob Wickman may not return - and things change. This year was our shot at the postseason and The Cleveland Indians did not capitalize on it - but that's life here in The Plum ...sometimes it's the pits.

I choose not to sit and sulk in the Cleveland corner anymore - I had a chance to throw out the opening pitch at Jacob's Field this summer and those are the kind of memories I want to hang on to ...one of the greatest moments of my life.

You can choose to do likewise, my friends. You can choose your own destiny, Cleveland, so which is it: Ziggy or Superman-?

So, thanks for a great baseball season, Indians, even it resulted in another bitter end. But it's not my bitter end, nor should it be yours...

The Weekly World News Reports: "Giant Squid Squashes Indians Playoff Hopes as Sasquatch in a 'Mrs. Sizemore' T-Shirt Abducts Cliff Lee's 19th Win!!!"

2005-09-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - "I went to Cleveland State University and all I got was this stupid blog spot!"

So, the Cleveland Indians are seemlingly blowing their chances of a well-deserved - and well-earned - spot in the playoff race by losing to the limp and seemingly toothless Tampa Bay Devil Rays in a (another) sorry excuse of a loss tonight at The Jake.

The first loss to the Devil Rays was a wash - and excusable. But when you have your best pitcher, Cliff Lee, on the mound - who only gives up one - count 'em ONE - run and you cannot muster enough bat strength to beat them - I'm sorry, there's just no excuses for an exercise in futility this feeble...

But you know, I supported this team for the entire season. They are an engaging and exciting team and will be a powerhouse for years to come if the current line-up stays intact. So I'm not going to stomp my feet like some spoiled sports brat (tonight) in order to make things right - ain't gonna happen.

A female friend I met up with to watch the game tonight informed me of the latest Tribe "marketing strategy" in which they were selling pink "Mrs. Sizemore" T-shirts to lady Indians' fans and horny Desperate Housewives' wannabes in order to - I suppose - drum up interest in a team which (up until the last few games) has not been selling out seats down at Jacob's Field.

Interesting marketing strategy... Here's another one: WIN A FREAKING WORLD SERIES!

I suppose desperation sets in when you put an exciting contender on the field - and, yet, no one shows up until the very end. But I'm not sure that you want to "whore out your players" in an anemic attempt to sell tickets and bolster interest is, um, the best approach.

What's next-? A "Pronk" pin-up calendar??? Casey Blake edible underwear sold exclusively at Ambiance (the store for lovers)...? But, hey, what do I know, huh-? After all, I'm a whore, you're a whore ...we're all whores in a certain sense, I suppose, when it comes to marketing our own self-interests (Okay, that's a tad harsh, maybe I'm just a whore - I AM trading laughs for love, after all, ladies and gentlemen...).

But that's neither here nor there. I'll continue to support this team and wish them the best - they've given me hours and days of unmeasurable enjoyment, so I'll just quit my fussin'. A sports title will not make this town whole again - but, if nothing else, it has brought this community together in a rather unholy alliance to cheer on our Tribe - and as Martha Stewart might say ..."that's a good thing." (Well, before her lame "Apprentice" spin-off show gets cancelled anyway ...get over it, Martha ...bake a cake with a file in it to take your mind off it or something!).

I meant what I said: Grady Sizemore, Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez and Jhonny Peralta are going to be baseball stars very soon (as well as the rest of the Tribe line-up!). It's the rest of the national numbskulls that need to get up to speed ...not me.

And to all those critics who bemoan the fact that it takes a sorry sports team - and title - to get this town excited, let me say this on my own behalf: I would cheer just as loudly for any and all victories pulled off by the arts and culture community as well. It's all important pieces of the puzzle to make this town great again - but that's just my worthless opinion.

Anyway, before the hate mail rolls in because of my opening Id joke, let me say this: I love Cleveland State University and I am extremely grateful for all the opportunities it has provided me over the years. It is on the verge of being a GREAT center of education - and I was very fortunate to be able to seize all the opportunities it has provided me. But, just like Cleveland, it needs to work together as a cohesive unit to exlpore - and exploit - those opportunities to it's advantage. There's NO REASON why Cleveland State could not be the NYU of Ohio.

Okay, enough inept babbling here - I'm going to go sit on my patio with my beer and marvel at the storm that's scheduled to be rolling in today. Thunderstorms and rain are instrumental in my deep neanderthal thought process...

Also, thanks for all the kind words from the new readers. I am humbled - really - and shocked that anyone actually reads this garbage - but thankful nonetheless! I am even going to use the quote that my writing is like a "double shot of espresso" - or something to that effect - on my writing resume (if, of course, the fine person that wrote it does not object!). I could not wish for a more creative tagline! (Screw Larry King and Pat Collins - they love EVERYTHING!)

I'm sure with that will come some harsh criticism of my writing as well - but, hey, that's life ...you take the good with the bad ...it's all about balance in the universe. Roll with it, people!

Good night ...and good luck!

And to quote Dr. Jack from "Lost": "All roads lead to THIS...?"

Oscar The Grouch Blows The Lid Off of "Lost" and Melts His Own Icy Heart in the Process

2005-09-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - "Blow the hatch off, crawl down the ladder into my private bunker and let's go all J.D. Salinger together, shall we-? (P.S. - Bring pizza and beer!!!)"

So, I was down at the Cleveland Cinematheque this week to be the first in line to preview a screening of Kieslowski's Three Color Trilogy: Blue/White/Red. No ...I'm kidding!!! What kind of crack pipe was your momma smoking, crack baby-? Obviously, I was home on Wednesday night watching the season premiere of Lost...

Come on, what else would I be doing-? Watching the series finale of Dancing With The Stars...??? Please - the only dancing I'm interested in is done by myself - with lots of smoke and mirrors - to the tune of Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" down at The Velvet Dog - anything other than that and I'm not interested! Hey, at least I wasn't watching sports (never let it be said that I'm not "well-rounded").

Anyway, we here at The Id and I are gigantic fans of Lost. It's hard not to be with all the talk of "fate" and "destiny" and "invisible island monsters who double as security systems." I mean, the creators of this show must of had a picture of ME up on their Power Point presentations when they were pitching this show to the network and trying to figure out their target demographic.

ABC Executives: "So, it's a show about a bunch of beautiful, scantily-clad people who crash-land on a mysterious island with invisible monsters, and nobody knows what the hell is going on because it's a constant mystery wrapped in a riddle where each question is answered with another question on a weekly basis. It sounds completely implausible - who's going to watch this crap...???"

J.J. Abrams (Pointing to a picture of my face in the middle of a bullseye with his pointer): "McVetta ...McVetta WILL watch!"

And then the ABC Executives gasp with delight as they clap their greedy hands with glee...

"Lost" is the coolest - and best - show on television ...and Matthew Fox just keeps proving my point that the Emmy voters goofed when they did not nominate him for Best Actor - Dr. Jack is the glue that holds that shaky island together!

And let's not forget Kate - To quote "Max" from Hart to Hart: "She's gorgeous - she's one lady who really knows how to take care of herself!"

I was so entranced by that damn hatch and the hole it led down to - I didn't even realize that they were saving Sawyer and the gang on the raft for ...next week. It just goes to show you why J.J. Abrams and company are the BEST storytellers on television right now!

And let's not forget about those fabulous flashback sequences, eh-? They bring to life the beautiful idiosyncracies of every character on a weekly basis, each one more impressive - and engaging - than the next.

It reminds me of one of my own futile flashbacks - to a simpler time, when I was working for Scene Magazine back in the late '90's. I had just gotten "the call" to the editor's bullpen where I was sat down to face my own delusional demons head-on.

"Chris," the editor at that time told me. "Chris ...we don't want you making fun of Dick Feagler anymore in your articles..."

"What-???" I gushed with disbelief. "Why not-? Dick Feagler is Cleveland comedy gold!"

"Well, be that as it may, Chris," the editor continued solemnly. "It can't continue-"

"Awww, geez," I gave my best Archie Bunker groan. "Well, can you at least tell me WHY-?"

"The thing is, Chris," the editor shifted dramatically in his seat. "We got a call from Feagler's people - and they just don't like it. You know, mocking him."

"Dick Feagler has people...?!?" I gasped in horror. "But - I - I don't understand. I thought journalists had a sense of humor about themselves!" I went on to babble like some journalistic Bambi on holiday.

"Well, you see, Chris, the thing is ...they don't," the editor enlightened me. "And we don't want you to do it anymore. Case closed."

And it was then and there that I had my moment of Zen - where I leaned forward as seriously and solemnly as someone wearing an "I'm With Stupid -->" T-Shirt could in that situation - and proclaimed to my editor, to Scene Magazine, and to the entire world of Cleveland journalism: "I'm going to fix you."

And, of course, I didn't. But I did go on to crash-land on my own little cyber-island of wonder and amazement where I was subsequently, just like the survivors on Lost, never heard from again...

"You gotta - Make your own kind of music. Sing your own special song. Make your own kind of music. Even if ...nobody else ...sings along!"

Paula Cole asks: "Where Have All The Tribe Fans Gone...?" (Hint: Maybe Big Dawg Ate 'Em!)

2005-09-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - "Time to take out the trash!" (No, literally, the garbage in my house is really starting to pile up in here... Geez.)

Nostradamus R' Us

Oh, stop the presses, True Believers - the national media has said that your Cleveland Indians are (gasp!) ..."the best team in baseball." Well, what a stunning revelation! I applaud them for "going out on this limb" before Bud Selig actually handed Eric Wedge the World Series trophy - what courage, vision and prophetic insight!

Not to go all Medium on you or anything, but we here at The Id and I have only been telling you that the Chicago White Sox would completely COLLAPSE in the second-half of the season ...AND that the Cleveland Indians would win the AL Central division! It hasn't happened yet - but I'll stand by what I predicted months and months ago - and live with it. Not flip-flop and change my opinions on national television on a, um, daily basis so as to "appear" to viewers that I actually might have a clue as to what I was talking about...

I believe we also predicted the Bengals winning the AFC North, the Baltimore Ravens going 6-10 and the Cleveland Brownies finishing a respectable 7-9 (for them). Sooooo, how are those Super Bowl-bound Baltimore Ravens doing, by the way...?

Ah, true genius ...it's never truly appreciated in it's time, is it-? But enough crowing for now - Believe me, I'll say enough stupid things in the weeks and months to come to counteract all of these prognostications...

"Larry Dolan will do the laundry - if you pay all the bills. Where is my happy ending - Where is my prairie song - Where have all the Tribe fans gone...???"

Another big story brewing on the horizon is all the empty seats down at The Jake - but the feeling in town is that unless Jacob's Field starts cashing unemployment checks at the gate, those seats are sadly going to remain empty in Cleveland. As one Willoughby fireman told me after a Sept. 11th memorial parade last weekend, "Chris, if I've got to choose between sending my kids to a good school, or my Indians' season tickets, I'm going to choose my kids' future every time - it's just a matter of priorities."

Although I believe that Jacob's Field is one of the most scenic and serene architectural landmarks in Cleveland - it is also (sadly) one of the most expensive to attend (when you factor in parking, eats and drinks). No more "cheap seats" down at the empty Municipal Monolith Stadium of yesteryear, kids - nickel beer nights went the way of the Dodo.

It's obvious that this is - and always has been - a "Browns town." However, for my money, nothing is more enjoyable than a warm summer night down at the Jake. Nothing against the Browns, I love 'em - but going to Cleveland Browns stadium is like taking a trip to freaking "Thunderdome." I'd much rather watch all the action of a football game unfold in the comfort of my own home (or a neighborhood sports bar ...uh, tomato/tomatoe) - complete with fantasy football tickers and highlights flashing at well-timed intervals.

Regardless, when the Indians are fighting for the division title against the Chicago White Sox in the final series of the year, I'll sell all my TIVO stock to get tickets to see the Indians win it all - LIVE AND IN PERSON! I can't wait! Yippee yie, yippee yeah!

And, um, did I happen to mention that I think Grady Sizemore is going to be a major league superstar for the Cleveland Indians yet...???

NEXT ISSUE: In "Action Id Comics #64" - Why we think Mayor McCheese would clobber Jane Campbell in a steel cage match ...and a Cleveland mayoral election (No, seriously).

Toobin' The Tube 2005: Gilmore Girls, Girls, Girls!

2005-09-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

"Truth is ...I don't stand a chance. It's something you're born into ...and I just don't belong. No, I don't - I'm just a no class, beat down fool - And I will always be that way. I might as well enjoy my life, and watch the stars play..."

Gilmore Girls and Lauren Graham have to be THE BIGGEST SNUB in the entire Emmy universe! I'm a football, sports fanatic guy, whose biggest idea of watching "chick flicks" is watching Rudy on a rainy afternoon (which, um, is kind of like a Lifetime movie for men, I guess...).

But I got sucked into the last season of Gilmore Girls - it was brilliant! And now I'm addicted. Kelly Bishop is also fantastic and deserves a Best Supporting actress nod - How the "Emmy voters" missed this show is beyond me! I can only quote Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross: "Where'd ya learn your trade-?!?"

Also, Scrubs deserved a Best Comedy nomination as well as Matthew Fox for Lost (he's the GLUE that holds the island together!). Arrested Development is funny, but too "nerd-centric" which is why all the critics love it - but it's too "out there" for consideration. Jason Bateman rocks, but that show is completely overrated!

And Will and Grace-? Who's left to guest-star on this show-? Charo-? Or Charles Nelson Reilly-??? Give it up, it was a good show in it's day, but it has jumped the shark...

And no one makes me laugh harder on Monday nights than Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men (other than the St. Louis Rams!) - if comedy is hard, than he makes it look easy! And there's more to it than "Charlie Sheen just playing himself," Emmy simpletons!

Annie Lennox to Terrell Owens: "No More I Love You's"

2005-09-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - And all the journalist's say I'm pretty fly for a cyber-guy!

Well, Philadelphia Eagles' wide receiver and God's gift to himself, Terrell Owens, was out of the ESPN national spotlight for a mere 5.5 nanoseconds - and, folks, he didn't like it. Neither did ESPN much for that matter as T.O. quickly passed a note to Donovan McNabb (and "the world leader in sports") asking:

Donovan McNabb, I love you. Do you (and ESPN) still love me...???

Please check box:

( ) Yes! Let's go to a Day Spa together.
( ) No. You're too much man for me. Can Sharon Reed play wideout-?
( ) Maybe-? Can I turn over and sleep on it-?

Anyway, after a fantastic Monday Night Football kickoff game between Philly and the Falcons ...the freaking Eagles lost! Can we PLEASE bury the memory of Terrell Owens in the back garden with the rest of The Flowers in the Attic...??? McMemo to ESPN: Terrell Owens is not a story anymore - REPEAT ...NOT A STORY - even if he tells you that he is! X-File's Case #0388-7 solved and CLOSED.

An Evening with Joe Andruzzi: What a snoozy!

Last night, a local watering hole of mine was having a "promotional party" for MNF - featuring a guest appearance by Browns' offensive lineman, Joe Andruzzi. It always sounds intriguing - at first - until all the usual crowd changes and morphs into something new altogether, leaving me with frustrated sober soundbites like: "Hey, where have all the beautiful people gone...?" to a few beers later, lamenting: "Is the circus in town, tonight...?"

I'm sure Mr. Andruzzi is a fine fellow - he seemed nice enough peddling his Cleveland Browns' not-ready-for-QVC merchandise to the crowd - but I wasn't buying nor biting. I just wanted to get my baby bladder to it's required bathroom break during the commercial - but instead all I got was Joe Andruzzi (and his flunkies) blocking my way to the "Little Journalist's Room."

Andruzzi was signing T-shirts and other memorabilia - but I already had my autographed baseball from Ben Broussard this summer. And sorry, Joe Andruzzi, but I trade UP ...not down ...when it comes to rubbing elbows with local sports stars and the such. Hey, even cyber-shut-in's have their standards!

Never fear, I blew by all of them like a Cincinnati Bengals' pass rusher on holiday without buying a single piece of merchandise! Again, Mr. Andruzzi seemed like a nice enough fellow, but I was just in no stinking mood with a half-dozen Hoegaardens in me - and my beloved Cleveland Indians losing to the Oakland A's, 2-0, that evening. Hey, Terrell Owens isn't the only temperamental prima donna on this tragic reality tour!

"Reality is for people who lack imagination..." - Anonymous Bumper Sticker

So, yeah, I don't know - it's nights like these that I get into one of my "moods." There's only so many more "Ferris Bueller-like stunts" I can pull - like throwing out the first pitch at the Indians' game this summer - before I run out of steam.

"It's crazy, I'm thinking - Just knowing that the world is round. And here I'm dancing on the ground - Am I right side up - or upside down? Is this real - at all ...or am I dreaming?

And then I get in those crazy funks where everything seems to bother me - no matter how insignificant! Like I'll be sitting at home watching TV, and say bizarre statements like: "What's with that new Cold Pizza logo-??? It looks like something you'd see plastered on the side of a shaving cream can!"

"Hey, Cold Pizza," I'll blather to myself, "Gillette called ...they want their logo back! Um, did you at least save the receipt for that-?" But it's not THEIR fault they got snookered by some big city marketing firm - I mean, the host of the show, Jay Crawford, went to Bowling Green - Have you ever been to Bowling Green-??? I have - I was going to get a Master's Degree in Pop Culture from BGSU ...but I decided that $20,000 was just "a tad pricey" to write a thesis about Dawson's Creek... but that's neither here nor there, I guess.

There's certain points in time that keep sticking in my mind, for sure: About five years ago, we had a "reunion special" for The Cauldron, the Cleveland State newspaper I worked for years ago. We were high atop a Gold Coast apartment complex, which is like a high-rise refugee camp for Golden Girls' fanatics and the such, but our friend, Shelby, lived there and we were getting drunk, laughing, and reminiscing on the rooftop nonetheless.

It was there that my friend and colleague, Angie Stetzy and I, were soaking in the blinking Cleveland skyline. She told me matter-of-factly: "Why don't you move to California and write television shows-? You'd be a millionaire!"

I laughed, half in the bag at this point, but she went on: "And more importantly - you'd be doing something you are really good at - and, most importantly, something you have always wanted to do..."

At times I think it would just be easier if life was more like Lost - when I get bored, I wish there were times when I could just get sucked out of the back of the plane like that one guy with the rest of the Samsonite (tm) luggage about 3,500 feet over the Pacific Ocean - and just free-fall.

But that's just me ...Lost. Par for the course here on Mystery Freaking Island...

Fighting Irish, Bleeding Brown and Orange, and Grady Sizemore is Bouncing Off The Walls!

2005-09-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - Jump aboard and take a ride on "The Penny Press Express of the 21st Century."

So how about those Cleveland Indians, huh-? Did they shine on the ESPN national spotlight ...or what? The stadium and team looked great shining bright here in Cleveland - sweeping The Minnesota Twins and crushing their playoff hopes into oblivion.

The highlight of the game-? Grady Sizemore slamming against the backfield wall - while going after a near home run ball - and bouncing back about 10 feet. ESPN kept showing the replay of this classic kid sacrificing himself for his team - even though the Tribe had already, for the most part, won the game. That was great - nice hustle, kid!

But take it easy, Grady, we here at The Id and I already know we are watching Greatness - We've been saying that here since the beginning of the season - it's just taking the other "media mongoloids" on the national scene to catch on, is all.

Speaking of, I didn't seem to hear much this morning from the fine folks over at ESPN concerning our white hot Tribe - how are the Yankees and Oakland A's doing, by the way? And those Chicago White Sox - how are those windy city Wahoo-wannabes doing up in Chi-town-? I believe someone around here ...oh, I don't know, who could it be...? Oh, wait: It's me! I believe The Id and I has been saying - since the early innings of this baseball season - that the Chicago White Sox would COLLAPSE and The Cleveland Indians would win the A.L. Central. Again, you heard it here first, folks...

Queer Eye for Brutus Buckeye: It must be that damn sweater vest!

Did you watch that Texas-Ohio State game Saturday night...? Somebody call those five guys from Bravo, because somebody's college football team needs a serious "sports makeover." Oh, Jim Tressel, what were you thinking! You had that game won, dude! I haven't seen anything so sad since Donovan McNabb handed the Super Bowl trophy to the New England Patriots on a silver platter in last year's Super Bowl. LISTEN TO ME: I absolutely hate the "two quarterback system" ...it doesn't work ...stop using it immediately, Coach Tressel! You may have just cost this year's OSU Buckeye team a shot at the National Championship because of it...

Oh, Bless Me Lucky Charms! Is that Notre Dame 2-0 and Ranked # 10 in the Land???

Charlie Weis - who was my first pick as head coach of the Cleveland Browns - has brought his patented brand of Patriots' magic to my beloved Fighting Irish. I no longer have to watch Notre Dame games in shame - with a brown paper bag over my head like "The Unknown Comic" of sports fans. I no longer have to watch repeated viewings of Rudy (which is like a Lifetime movie for men). Love 'em or hate 'em, folks, Notre Dame football is fun again! And then there's Maude...

Cincinnati Bengals: Looks like these cats have claws!

Well, after a valiant 1st-half start, the Cleveland Browns folded faster than Superman on laundry day in the 3rd and 4th quarters. Romeo Crennel has his work cut out for him - and even though the Bengals did not look stellar on either side of the ball, they are balanced and young enough to win the AFC North (Again, you heard it hear first...).

The Baltimore Ravens, um, on the other hand - not so much. While everyone else in the sporting world were picking these pretty in purple and black roadrunners to win our division, I just scratched my head and looked at the quarterback situation. Kyle Boller...? Anthony Wright! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I don't care how good your defense is, you are not going to beat any Super Bowl contenders with an inept offense.

And although the Browns fell apart late in the game, they were just simply overpowered by a much better Bengals team. It is what it is, kids. Though there were some bright spots on the Browns' new offensive and defensive schemes, they are certainly not one of the worst teams in the league right now as Cold Pizza's Woody Paige suggested this morning - by saying Matt Leinart would wind up playing in Cleveland next year (because we'll have the #1 pick).

Of course, our illustrious Mr. Paige also picked the Denver Broncos to win the Super Bowl (cough) - and I would think that the New York Jets, um, might be a better fit for Matt Leinart, don't you, Cleveland...? I do - in a New York minute.

The Id and I - McMemo to Jurassic Journalists: If this web blog is rockin', don't come a knockin'!

Torching Frankensteinbrenner's Yankees with My Beautiful "Abby Normal" Mind

2005-09-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - We eat danger for breakfast!

Are you believing yet, Tribe fans? Do you want to believe...? The Truth is Out There: The Cleveland Indians are in first place in the best wild card baseball race in years - ARE YOU EXCITED? You should be! This is going to be the most exciting September in years for baseball - and Indians' fans - and we owe it all to the creation of the wildcard spot by Major League Baseball.

Don't tell me a "wild card spot" doesn't mean anything either! Getting into the playoffs is just the foot in the door to wedge it wide open for a successful playoff post-season run - and to quote G.I. Joe: "Knowing is half the battle..."

Do you think ANYONE in the American League would want to face YOUR Cleveland Indians in a playoff series right now-? Guess again, Chester! We are currently the scariest damn team in baseball...

Look at this starting lineup: Lead off lightning bolt in a Chief Wahoo cap, Grady Sizemore! Cuckoo for Coco Crisp cracking the bat with his patented scowl on a consistent basis! Jhonny Peralta just gets this team JHAZZED!!! Travis Hafner brings power to the plate - He's The Incredible Hulk without the GNC juice! And Victor Martinez - he is just amazing on both sides of the plate!

And that's just our offensive lineup, gang! What about our fantastic pitching-? C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee are a potent one-two punch that even Ron Howard and Russell Crowe couldn't quite deliever to us on a silver platter... and let's not forget about the big guy cleaning up on the mound, Bob Wickman. The big man has done everything asked of him and more!

So let's go, Tribe fans - I mean, the REAL TRIBE FANS. Even if Oakland knocks us out of the playoff picture, you've got to admit this is one damn exciting Cleveland Indians' team - and if you don't think so, then you don't know shi... uh, Sizemore!

"New York City-?!? I don't want anything to do with that urban death maze!" - Homer Simpson

Get to know these, kids, Cleveland - because they're your team! And they are only going to get better with time - and I'm going to enjoy the ride. So grab your torches and head down to the Jake to show Mist'ah Steinbrenner that his $200 million monstrosity is about to get torched by the Cleveland villagers!

It's a great weekend to dot the "i" in Ohio sports! The Browns and Bengals, Ohio State and Texas - and ESPN will broadcast the Indians-Twins game on a special Sunday night game of the week with a special September 11th tribute. So get out there and enjoy!

The Mental Defective's Guide To The Galaxy

2005-09-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Who let the C.H.U.D.'s out ...? Woof! Woof! Woof!"

Well, Labor Day weekend has come and gone once again in our fair city here on the North Coast (with "Labor Day" being kind of an oxymoron here in Cleveland as of late). But there were a lot of things to celebrate this weekend in Cleveland, and even this cyber-C.H.U.D. was out and about enjoying the sun and fun - flying down Interstate I-90 as the Cleveland National Air Show jets buzzed by overhead, and every one in the car screaming, "Pull up, Striker! You're too low! YOU'RE TOO LOW!!!" and other such absurdities.

Ingenuity Clev.05 - "The 1st annual Arts and Technology Festival" was a big hit this weekend and even managed to drag this Oscar the Grouch out of his garbage can (decorated in early curmudgeon) for a brief moment in time. It was very reminiscent of our old Cleveland State "block parties" back in the day - where we would close off entire segments of Euclid Avenue for an afternoon of local music and merry mirth - but just on a larger and much grander scale (and, um, minus the vomit-soaked couch).

And, shockingly, even though my "art exhibits" were not accepted into the festival this year (which included, The Homeless Hal 2000, my panhandling robot, "Excuse me ...sir ...but could you ...spare ...some change...for a 'bot ...down on ...his luck...?" - or my short 16mm film featuring myself - dressed as a bottle of Hoegaarden - sliding down a chute into a pool of raw liver (symbolizing my own "descent into madness" set to the Footloose soundtrack) - it was all good nonetheless!

But I'll leave the art and exhibitions to the professionals... it was just nice to see somebody trying something NEW in Cleveland - and succeeding. The Ingenuity Clev.o5 logo and web site were also very cool as well!

I probably should thank them - or at least send them a nice muffin basket or something. The Ingenuity Clev.05 Festival actually got my own creative juices flowing and got me thinking about building a few pyramids on a Pop Culture Planet of my own...

Kyle Orton Hears - A Who?

2005-09-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

The Id and I - Where those other "jurassic journalists" come to learn their trade!

(About Grady Sizemore being a baseball god, Hoegaarden being THE beer of choice, and the Brownie Elf taking the Notre Dame Leprechaun in a mascot cage match, along with a great many other things...)

The Cleveland Browns have finished their pre-season with bonafide bang over the Chicago Bears with a 16-6 win at Soldier's Field and a sound, if somewhat meaningless, 3-1 exhibition record. But the real story is not the scores, or the records, but how this lastest crop of Cleveland Brownies handled themselves in Coach Crennel's new system. Very well, it would appear, as the Dawgs seem to - finally - be playing as a cohesive football unit; something they never could seem to do under the Butch Davis regime of doom.

General Manager, Phil Savage, is the real deal and the Cleveland football equivalent of Mark Shapiro in regards to evaluating talent. They obviously don't need any focus groups to tell them how to do their jobs, do they...? And I don't need any focus groups to tell me that Charlie Frye is looking like the steal of the draft, either!

I'll be honest, I've said this before, I was "jones'ing" big time for the Browns to pick Purdue quarterback, Kyle Orton, in the April NFL draft - but the more I see of Charlie Frye, the more I like him. He's not flashy, but he's got the talent, the intangibles - and the fabulous Mr. Frye has that "gritty MAC football mystique" you need to succeed out on the grid iron in the 21st century National football League. I still think Kyle Orton will be a Band-Aid blessing in disguise for the banged-up Chicago Bears ...but, for once, it's nice to see the Brownies end up with the better prize - rather than the "year's supply of Rice-A-Roni" after winning big on Plinko!

So what does this all boil down to for the Cleveland Browns this season...? Well, let's not print those Super Bowl tickets just yet, kids. Realistically, we're still far away from that lofty goal if not at least headed down the right road. But if everything "goes our way," we could be looking at a "coach of the year" award for Romeo Crennel and the rest of the Fat Albert gang. Here are my AFC North predictions:

Cincinnati Bengals: 11-5
Pittsburgh Steelers: 9-7
Cleveland Browns: 7-9
Baltimore Ravens: 6-10

Other than that, bring on the Bengals! Yes, I've got a feeling they'll win the division and, yes, I know that the Ravens have a ravenous defense, but I'm just not sold on them as much as other people - but we will see.

Fantasy football 101: "Smiles, everyone ...smiles!"

I've already had one draft and I've got my second one tonight. Depending on your league rules and scoring, it may vary a bit, but it's hard to argue with LaDainian Tomlison or Shaun Alexander being your # 1 pick. With the the 9th pick out of a ten-round league, I managed to snag Bills running back, Willis McGahee, and then Kevin Jones (RB, Lions) with my 2nd round pick. I might get "thrown to the Lions" if Joey Harrington and company cough up a big hairball, but that's what this game is all about, boys. Here are a few other players who are on my radar this fantasy footaball season:

Julius Jones - RB, Dallas - "Fast as lighting if Drew Bledsoe doesn't blow the offense."

Michael Jenkins - WR, Atlanta - "Former Ohio State standout and Michael Vick's main target."

Roy Williams - WR, Detroit - "Best young wide receiver in the league, and I ain't Lion!"

Larry Fitzgerald - WR, Arizona - "A touchdown-catching endzone magnet!"

Dallas Clark - TE, Indy Colts - "Minus Marcus Pollard equals double the touchdown fun."

Mike Nugent - K, NY Jets - "How can you go wrong with a guy that chugged a beer bong with Brutus the Buckeye at Ohio State!!!"

Well, that's all I've got for you, folks. Go out with this knowledge and do what you will... I am off to Ray's Place for some much-needed "rest and recreation" and a double atomic cheeseburger and an ice-cold Hoegaarden on draft.